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Laurence Llewelyn-Bozo (the clown)
what he would be like if the BBC sold the programme to channel 5...

(Tue 13th Nov 2001, 9:12, More)

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» Vomit Pt2

boil in the bag
After a night on the piss I drew the short straw and ended up in this little rib doing support vessel operations. Was choppy as hell and I lost my goggles about nine seconds after setting off; cue high velocity rain and spray rinsing through to the back of my eyeballs.

As it was such a cold day I'd put a fleece jacket on under my drybag so when the rib pilot thought it would be ace to do eleventy knots and leap off the top of every wave i felt hot, queasy and gnarly as fuck.
Pulling the neck seal on my suit would release the high pressure combination of ale farts, sweat and scorching heat into my face.
The heebie-jeebie man had arrived.

Luckily in a quiet period the other chap pulled out a bag of pasties and convinced me it was a good idea to line my stomach. After the second bite we got given the order to 'go see whether that buoy is tethered in case i can rob it for my yacht hurr hurr'. Setting off at max chat, my pasty got blasted with so much seawater it became saltier than a dead sea bukkake sex cruise for pirates.
Two more bites went in, followed by all four coming out, followed by more going in, out, in out etc like some nautical meat-and-pastry based guttural hokey-cokey.

All was masticated because of the superior flavour (Ivor Dewdney's I believe) but i think most of the digesting was done by crabs.
(Fri 8th Jan 2010, 0:31, More)

» Corporate Idiocy

cooling off period
Took out motorbike insurance for a week's time (this story is set further than a week ago, in the past).
The next day, before any of the bits of pointlessly wasted tree turned up with whoever-it-was' logo on them I decided to add my dad as a named rider.
Gave them a call, apparently it would be no extra on the premium but there would be a £15 'admin charge'.
Pointed out that the cover hadn't even started yet and I could just cancel it and sign up again in the same phonecall for additional net cost of 0 pounds.

'I'll just check with my supervisor.... Sir there will be no extra charge today'
Cheers robot phone mong.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2012, 19:04, More)

» Irrational Fears

cocktail sticks
I have an irrational fear that someone might wake me up by pulling one set of eyelids apart and jabbing a cocktail stick into one eyeball, then rotating it independently of the other eyeball until the stick breaks.

I am writing this with one eye clamped tightly shut, trying not to even think about fish hooks and eyes... eyes.
(Wed 28th Jan 2004, 15:17, More)