» How I Skive Off Work

Quake Breaks
As the boss of a small company I very stupidly allowed the installation of Quake on the few computers we had. And a couple of times a day I'd allow a 'fragfest'. Obviously as soon as my back was turned, my workshy employees used to fire-up and spend the rest of their day blasting each other to smithereens. Can't imagine why the company went tits-oop.
(Fri 29th Apr 2005, 12:00, More)

» Crap meals out

Was in the Phillipines for a couple of weeks a few years ago
Not one good meal the whole time I was there. I was really looking forward to the cuisine of a country sitting between Thailand and China must have absorbed some culinary influence. Not a bit of it. Either Americanised or bland were on offer. Oh and dog. India on the other hand, specifcially Kerala fantastic, best in the world. But for the fact that every tourist joint wants to dish out what you'd find on a menu down yer local tandori. The thalis that you can get away from these places are AMAZING. In one of the tourist joints in Varkala I witnessed rats running around ON the tables.
(Thu 4th May 2006, 9:45, More)

» Teenage Parties

Joint effort
It was my mate’s joint eighteenth with his twin sister. She was horribly prim and proper. He had hair down to his ankles and a penchant for hallucinogens. So we decided that rather than be caught smoking dope, we’d bake a cake. We all chipped in half a sixteenth of finest morrocan, all in all half an ounce between eight of us. This might not sound much. Believe me. By the time we were fifty metres from the pub where assorted family members etc were gathered we might as well have been tripping. It was like that Soft Mints ad where everything is moving reallllly slowly. We gingerly made our way in and most of us slumped against the tables with ex-school mates looking on and asking when we’d made the leap to smack. I spent half an hour in the bog trying to sober up.

Another time, the same bloke had a party and after buying a sixteenth of an ounce of tarragon and having my photograph taken in bed with some bird not my at the time partner I was beaten up by a girl.
(Tue 18th Apr 2006, 16:32, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

At the time I was an IT journalist, so this is pretty inexcusable
After a long boozy lunch decided to pop into Dixons - first mistake - to look for a new computer. Second mistake was to choose ex-display Packard Bell. And third and final and most unbelievably stupid part was to be conned into buying their stupid bloody protection plan. Computer was pile of shite obviously, at the time PBs were shipping with bizarre proprietary OS that sat on top of Windows. Was a nightmare to uninstall.. and everything else was clunky as hell.. But worst of all the 'protection plan' with 'hotline' was a complete waste of time, with nobody EVER at the end of the line. I made the fuckers give me the money back for this... but was still left with the crappy computer.
(Wed 15th Jun 2005, 11:42, More)

» The Onosecond

Was working many moons ago...
in a bucket shop type business taking calls from people after cheap flights. I transferred one call with a shout across the office: "It's that wanker Mr X." Colleague taking call was greeted with: "So I'm a wanker am I. Perhaps I'll take my business elsewhere." Doh, perhaps I should have remembered the mute button!
(Fri 27th May 2005, 16:19, More)