» Best Graffiti Ever

Cocking supermarket...
Me and my mate Ryan saw this rather lovely sign on the soon-to-be-demolished Safeway daan saath....

Oddly enough when I took the picture I only noticed the title, which made us both giggle like little schoolgirls and it ws only after I downloaded it to my PC that I noticed the the rest of the text below.



Length? It was 4 foot high and green....
(Sat 5th May 2007, 13:13, More)

» Too much information

Too much mum-information...
Being extremely sick *and* open minded and having an like minded circle of mates, I am quite used to having way too many moments that almost anyone normal would describe as TMI.

However I think the real icing on the cake was when my then new boyfriend was meeting my mum for the first time. All was going well until the lightweight had consumed perhaps one too many glasses of wine.

It was at this moment that he chose to inform my mum that "your son really does give the most amazing head!"

Bless her, she chose to politely ignore him, although she did later threaten to throw him off the balcony, so perhaps the two are related. I'd like to think so.

Also ..my mates and I reguarly discuss toilet habits...with me often describing my output as "like giving birth to a mud fish".

A subsequent megadump was described as "son of mudfish" until one day after a particuarly heavy toilet session fuelled by way too much pizza the night before, I emerged wasted from the shitter to be greeted by my mate Angela. "Remember the son of mudfish?" I asked innocently, "....well, that was the whole mudfish family..."

TMI to be sure, but I do seem to have created a circle of friends who are almost totally unembarrasable...and I'm so proud :-)

Actually, this was demonstrated to me recently when my mate Ryan emerged from the toilet after using up what sounded like 3/4 roll of toilet paper and I asked him "Did you just give birth to a mudfish?" and he replied "It waved and called me daddy!" Gotta love him :-)

Length?...nah..more a sort of runny girth...:P
(Mon 10th Sep 2007, 19:11, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

3 for the price of one.....
My family arn't the the closest in the world - and when my dad died end of last year I seized the opportunity, as only I can to turn it into a rather tasteless joke. Cue many looks of horror/disgust when I calmly asked my work collegues "Whats Equalizors dad getting for Christmas?" "Cremated!".

Ahh, I'm so proud. And Dad would have been too.

Since it's not actually a funeral story and continuing the theme of my dysfunctional family...

My mum attended her Dads funeral, (in fact we all did). It was, as you'd expect an extremely solemn affair, held in a rather old Cemetary building.

Not only did the vicar get his name wrong multiple times,as well as the name of his children, but my mum ended up in a fit of the giggles which set her sister off.....

and finally...

One of our customers runs a Funeral Directors.

On one occasion they were given a CD to play at the funeral, I believe the chosen track was to be "In My Life" by the Beatles. So imagine the fun, when in the middle of a quiet, packed church "HELP!" by the Beatles kicks in, as only "Help!" can.

Wonderful.

Rob
(Thu 11th May 2006, 20:00, More)

» That's me on TV!

TV hacking fun.
I was in a program called "Thames Reports" in the early nineties. The segment was called "Computer Crooks" and I was "playing" the part of a bank hacker. I say "playing" the part, because that's exactly what it was. I only got in there through being acquainted with one of the *real* hackers in the piece. You don't see my face as it was silhouetted out, but you do see my arse, which was quite nice back then.

Bill Wigmore was the reporter and he was very much in the "old school" mould of presenters, ie pissed before lunchtime, lecherous and rude. Think Henry Davenport on Drop The Dead Donkey and you have the right idea.

Anyway it was all a total fix. I knew the passwords because my mate told me, I lied and said I had hacked it by logging in at a "higher level" The interview was filmed in the directors flat, using the directors shitty PC. Even the exterior shot of the flat lights being turned on was faked. They just rigged up 2 TV lights on big stands and help a big piece of rigid board over them. When the "lights" came on, then simply moved the board away from the front of the lamps and voila. Oh and the cameraman fell over a car bonnet while filming a foot tracking shot.

It may not be much but I did get 3 days free bar privs at Thames Television, and 50 quid a day for doing essentially fuck all.

Also me and my best mate were visible briefly in "Another Audience with Al Murray" broadcast about a year ago.

That's it really.
(Tue 16th Jun 2009, 18:52, More)

» The last thing that made me cry

Here we go again....
My dad texted(!) today to tell me he has lung cancer.

Naturally, I called my twin sister and told her and she came round straight away so we could ring him. I asked him why he didn't ring and tell us, and he said he couldnt cope with that! Ironically, he gave up smoking 15 years ago, but according to the specialist this kind of lung cancer isn't typically tobacco related.

He's off for chemo on Thursday for the next 12 weeks and then radiotherapy (?) afterwards, however he reckons it's just a cancer reduction thing as opposed to actually ridding himself of it and admits he's on borrowed time.

Him and my mum divorced when I was 2 and it's only recently that I have begun to get to know him and realise how alike we are.

I could hear how upset he was on the phone and I don't think I've ever even seen him upset, and that's when the tears welled up in my eyes. At that point I hastily arranged a visit and said my goodbyes.

Who'd have thought it, first my stepfather and now my dad both get cancer.

Sometimes life really sucks.
(Wed 20th Apr 2005, 0:59, More)