b3ta.com user grumpypolecat
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» When Animals Attack

Owl outrage
After a typically drunken student night out I was walking home down a rather dark road lined with trees. Receiving a sudden blow to the head I turned around to defend myself to see... nobody at all. Shrugged and carried on home.

Woke up next day to a pillow reminiscent of a butcher's slab, so I ambled off to the doc to be told that I was one several owl-attackees in that road. Anway, the head-slashes didn't need stitches, just antibiotics. Messy though, glad I'm not a mouse.

I've also been bitten by a mole (long story) & spat on by a llama.

Some people have a natural empathy with animals - but not me.
(Thu 24th Apr 2008, 20:12, More)

» Sexual Disasters

Tampon trouble

Back in my student days, when I did such things, I got drunk & picked up a (not terribly attractive) lady who invited me home for 'coffee'. I'd had enough Newcastle Brown for the offer to be acceptable & matters took their usual course until the point of clothing removal when she piped up with 'I'm on, but I'm nearly finished'. By this point there was no going back, so I just grunted & thought no more of it until the deed was done & I was leaving. This being student halls, it wasn't unusual to encounter debris on the floor. I thought I'd picked up some chewing gum or an old pie but when I looked I found a used tampon, that had been flung across the room in a moment of passion, glued to the sole of my shoe. I quickly peeled it off, dumped it in the nearest toilet & went home.
She never spoke to me again, so if you're reading this San, I didn't take it as a souvenir. Honest.
(Mon 23rd Mar 2015, 18:01, More)

» Home Science

How not to make vodka
1. Brew veggie peelings (include sprouts) with bread yeast in shed until has appearance of pea soup, but smells much worse
2. Wait until parents go out. Rig up home made still using ally bike bottle and plastic tubing tied under cold tap
3. Heat mixture in bottle, stand well back as tube blocks and foul smelling mixture gets blasted over kitchen ceiling
4. Clean kitchen including repainting polystyrene ceiling tiles with dap whitener
5. Spray kitchen liberally with air freshener, go out for long bike ride and hope parents have calmed down on return
6. The end.
(Thu 9th Aug 2012, 18:27, More)

» World of Random

Any other long-time Bristol residents remember the stick thin guy who used to roller-skate down Whiteladies Road wearing nothing but speedos, a cowboy hat & pair of kids six guns in holsters?
Fast too...
(Thu 21st Apr 2011, 19:21, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Vodka disaster
At 14 or thereabouts,I read that one could make a drinkable vodka substitute from discarded potato peelings. Cue disastrous distillation experiment. Having no spuds to hand, I settled for sprouts and cooked these up with other bits of vegetable matter until I had a green gunge, which I then attempted to ferment in the garden shed with some yeast nicked from Mum's baking cupboard.
After a few days, I reckoned that there must be enough alcohol in the bubbly green soup to justify distillation. With a home-made still made from a metal bike bottle & plastic tubing, I put my first batch of voddie on the kitchen stove.
Sadly, as soon as it got hot, the (very bright)green sludge blocked the tubing & the resulting pressure blew out the top - along with a pint of boiling gloop which coated the kitchen ceiling and dripped everywhere.
There followed a panicky hour cleaning up & repainting the ceiling tiles with dap whitener before the parents came home. I couldn't believe they hadn't seen , but they said nothing - thanks M&P...
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 20:11, More)
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