b3ta.com user The Cats Twat
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» My sex misconceptions

Damn babies
Damn babies, coming out of our women, taking our jobs . . .




DEY'RE TAKIN AAR JAABS !!!!
(Fri 26th Sep 2008, 22:23, More)

» Turning into your parents

Waistbands
pearoasted from a reply at the suggestion of mr twisty cheeky and pooflake

Waistbands

I think there is a nominal tolerance for waistband acceptability and seeing as I have a pen and paper, a ruler and a hot cup of peppermint tea in front of me I have elected to pin these tolerances down and may submit them to wikipedia for global refference.

On measuring the person ones legs measure approximately 50% of total personage, the stop point for 'legs' being a slight variable between the gusset area and about half way up the arse cheek.

The upper torso including the head measuring from the head down to slightly beyond the hip and comes in at a lovely 37.5% of the total prole.

Now between these two entities remains an area that measures 12.5% of any given motherfucker.

So this distance represents the very maximum limits of 'play' with ones belt line, at the lower end of the scale being plumbers, tilers, gardeners etc and at the upper limits we find middle managers, sales people and jehovahs witnesses.

Now this tollerance scale can also be read as a ratio of lower body to upper body and as such can be expressed as

4-4 or 5-3 as being acceptable ratios.

Now as we are aware the elderly often flout this entirely by presenting a ratio of 6-2 or worse, however what I would like to draw attention to is the reverse scenario typically sported by young people (under 23+-) as ratios of 3-5 with underpants clearly on view and pants held in place in an unclear manner. It is not cool, pull your fuckin pants up.
(Sat 2nd May 2009, 18:34, More)

» Heckles

nice little crowd
Jo Brand played a gig in dublin and as she gracefuly transported her massive bulk onto the stage she openened to a lovely calm crowd with . . .

"well you look like a nice little crowd"

some punter down back replies,

"so do you love!"


it got a laugh,
not like my knob coz shes a beauty

such a long lurk there....
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 16:06, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

moo
I think I might have posted this before under some other heading, but my memory is many things, sketchy being one...

anyway...


A long time ago and old friend of mine by the name of Podge was just a wee boy and full of the wonders of the world was he.

Young Podge recieved an invite to his cousins place in the countryside for a week and this filled his little nine year old head and heart with glee and would be a nice change from the urban life he knew.

So it was with an excited air of anticipation that the short panted Podge began his sabatical on the cousins farm. Now Podge's cousin Alan, was a slightly bigger boy of about twelve and in Podges view he was the most worldy chap upon whom he had ever come across. He could catch rabbits, knew how to fish and seemed to know a lot about this sex stuff that Podge had been begining himself to become more aware of though not so clued into during his current life phase.

So it came to pass that the two lads were up in the top field tending to the new calfs and providing feed for the cows. Podge was a bit fascinated at the little calves and their eagerness at the udder and as they suckled away as nature intended a wry grin fell upon Alans face...


... "Ere Podge, watch this" he said, undoing his trousers while simultaneaously sequestering a calf from it's mother... Not yet being well acquainted with the pleasures that moist organic cavities can bestow to a resourceful young mans tadger Podge could only look on in some confusion as Alan presented his ill intended sausage to the wee calf in place of its mothers teat....

Some more research on the project would have served Alan well as calves are not noted for their gentle bedroom manner.

As soon as the Alans wee prick came within sight of the lunch expectant calf its first action was to bite on then deliver a good firm tug followed by a sudden upward headbut into the 'udder' to get the 'milk' flowing... the udder in this case being Alans bollocks...

Alan screamed , Podge laughed and the story has I'm sure been told many times since...

...
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 23:22, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

it begins quite young
The following story is a true story of how one little boy learned at the tender age of four that women are not to be trusted, how the genders differ fundamentally and how women though considered the weaker species by some ignorant dopes out there are in fact cunning shrewd devious sneaky cheaty things.

The tale begins and ends during the late sixties in an average living room in an average three bedroom house on an average suberban estate in an average part of southern Ireland. The breadwinner is away winning bread and the proud housewife tends proudly to the housework while the then three children play in their childlike way at this and that. The eldest upstairs reading her book while the younger two, a boy aged four and a cute little girl aged three a glance at whom one would suspect her mouth to be a place where butter could not possibly melt, played between themselves downstairs.

It was alsmost time for father to arrive home and as it was friday the two youngest had become sometimes accustomed to recieving small sweet edible pressies every so often, generally coinciding with pay day for the man of the house. They waited hopefully and patiently.

Sure enough the working man returned with two distinctly different packets of sweeties for his two little miracles. 'here you go young man' he said to mark, the little boy, 'your favorites', 'and here you go too maggie my pet, your favs aswell' delight ensued and father went to another room to greet his wife and do the usual things that he would do on his return from the workplace.

What occured next left Mark permanently scarred for many years and unable to trust females and is it no wonder . . . . you see what happened was this . . . Maggie turned to Mark and says in her three year old language . . . 'hey maky, we swop sweeties today for a change?'

poor innocent thick ignorant mark forever wanting to please his baby sis saw no problem with this and says . . . 'ok mag mags, here you go.' Mark recounts the next episode thusly, Maggie, normally a slow thoughtfull diner literally shoved one sweet after another into her gob chewing and swallowing simultaneously while Mark looked on in awe, his packet as yet untouched... 20 or so seconds passed and maggie now stood over an empty sweet packet smiling at poor stoopid fuckwitted mark still clueless as to the little demons plan. She began to cry, a loud bawl getting the father up from his cup of tea to investigate what the woe was . . . he entered to room to see maggie bawling, an empty sweet packet and Mark holding the full packet of the sweets that he had given to her, her favourites.... 'Mark ate all my sweets' maggie blubbed through reptilian tears . . . WHAT ! excalimed the father as he snatched the packet from mark clipped him round the ear and handed them to his innocent wronged widdul baby girl before leaving the room and getting back to his tea.

Maggie proceeded to slowly eat one sweet after another in a very teasing manner in front of Mark, rubbing her belly and mmmm mmmm mmmmming all the way, waving each one around for a bit before munching it.

the little bitch.

She of course laughs now when the story is told and claims not to remember her cheating ways as an infant, Mark however has never forgotten. He has learned to trust and married several years ago and now has two young ones of his own. He is always sure to conduct thurough investigations when his judicial capacity is called upon mind you.






no apologies for length and you will learn to like in an odd way the cheesy whiff
(Wed 23rd Nov 2005, 20:59, More)
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