» Now, there was no need for that...

No need
I used to live in a flat in a dodgy area. I came back from work one evening to find that some bastard had kicked my front door in and robbed the place. Loads of my stuff was gone.
I rang the police and they told me not to touch anything as they'd send down C.I.D. to dust for finger prints.

So I was left not being able to touch anything in the front room.
I'd come to the conclusion after four days that nobody was turning up. Well not until about 8:00 a.m. on the Sunday morning another day later. After tearing around to get rid of the bong and the roach ends from the previous nights late session, I let them in to hear them utter the words;

"Nah, it's too dusty to get any fingerprints from here", when the jobsworths turned around and walked off.

After taking the piss by not showing up for five days, waking me up at that unearthly hour, nearly giving me a heart attack, there was no need for that.


I saw the same pair examining the crime scene when I arrived at work a week later. Someone had tried robbing the place and they'd turned up and got the finger print kit out within half an hour.

The Konts.
(Fri 17th Jun 2005, 1:18, More)

» Toilets

The Buster
I was a passenger in my brother's car and we stopped at a roadside cafe for something to eat. It was one of those greasy spoon, portacabin type places frequented by many a trucker. My brother needed to have a pee before continuing the journey. He opened the portaloo door and called me over instantly and pointed out the enormous turd that the previous occupant had left behind. It had quite a girth and was pointed upwards and was truly a specimen to wonder and marvel.
My brother couldn't face the prospect of going in the portaloo, so it was time to go elsewhere.

It was then we spotted the poster on the side of the cafe advertising an edible speciality of the establishment:-

"Kev's Belly Buster"

There were childish laughs abound.
(Sat 3rd Sep 2005, 2:22, More)