» Have you ever paid for sex?

smoking
i had a girlfriend once. she was lovely. pert in all the right places. except her lungs. she was as asthmatic as they come. she would regularly ruin my nights out by saying "bert i'm starting to get a tight chest again". i would lovingly potter off outside into the cold night to stand with her as she gulped and gasped away at the most phallic looking inhalers you have ever seen. oh yes and i had a reasonably heavy diet of both jazz and normal cigarrettes at the time.

the two didnt go together overly well. i was forced to make a pact with her that i would give up all forms of inhalational pleasure. in return i got a blowjob a week without complaint and without asking. not once for the rest of the 2 and a half years did i let her forget the deal.

i was a happy man

and i continued to smoke everytime i left her flat. she lived a long way away. it my dirty little secret. i should feel ashamed but i dont
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 19:00, More)

» Teenage Parties

so many stories so little time
back in the day it was all about the house parties. and the drugs. i dont think i have ever had so much female attention as when i used to walk into parties smoking massive joints that had taken hours to craft - 11 inches was the biggest and everyone loved it.

anyway. it was one new years eve. my gf had to work but said that she would come to the party that i was as soon as she finished work at 11. i got to the party at 7. i proceeded to get wankered. by 8 i was trashed. the combination of drinking lager two cans at a time from my beer dispensing helemt and drinking brandy from a vase took its toll. i decided that it was probs time to sober up a bit and wait for the arrival of my ladyfirend so i could get some good love at midnight.

she arrived and the goodlove was had. i was pleased with my performance. she however was pissed that i was wasted and she wasnt. to counteract this she set about a bottle of white wine with much gusto. not being a big drinker necking the bottle was probably her first mistake. her second was to wash it down with vodka. she got a little bit hyper and then a little horny and then decided that she could do with fresh air. on her way through the kitchen something bad must have happened in her little world cos all i heard was a terrible gushing noise like someone had emptied a bucket of water against a wall.

the sherlock homes in me decided i should investigate. she was stood looking a little sheepishly at a four foot spray of vomit which ran from her feet to the cubpoards beneath the sink, up the sink and then onto the windo behind said sink. she said she felt much better . and then added to it.

i thought that the toilet was probably the place for her to be so took her to go and sleep on the floor of the downstairs toilet. i got sleeping bags and a pillow and made it kind of homely in there. being the good boyfriend i am i stayed looking after for a while. then my best friend came looking for me.

he saw the state she was in and decided that we should get settled in for the night. he returned with numerous cans of beer, a bottle of malibu and can of coke. we sat, him on the toilet me on the floor getting progressively more and more and more drunk. then the need for drugs became apparent and he rolled a couple of spliffs for us. we opened the tiny little window and set about the smoking.

after a little while we had created a nice little hotbox effect. this didnt sit well with my gf who was ko'd on the floor. she reared up towards the toilet. nick, ever mindful of such an event jumped up lifting the lid with him. she spewed in a perfect arc through his legs and into the bowl before crashing back into a heap. result. nick casually rested himself back down, leant back wioth his elbow cocked and with the sly-est of movements flushed the bog. all the time chuffing away and grinning as if this was normal behaviour for those in such a state. laughed. i almost shit

she was embarrassed and i laughed at her a lot for the rest of our relationship

length - as discussed ealier 11 is a goodly number
(Fri 14th Apr 2006, 17:14, More)

» Annoying words and phrases

Nurses
I'm a doctor and there is one phrase which fills me with loathing, hatred and dread all at once;

"doctor, just to let you know..."

examples from my short career

mrs smith is a bit chesty - mrs smith was in crushing heart failure. She was propmtly admitted to the coronary care unit.

Mr jones looks a bit peaky - mr jones was dead

mrs White has had a bit of bleeding - mrs White had emptied half her circulating volume into her catheter bag, onto the bedsheets and the floor. She went to theatre and then to intensive care

miss pink's blood sugar is a bit high - miss pink had a glucose of 50 and was in diabetic ketoacidosis and was very very sick. She went to the high dependency unit.

Mrs blue is in agony - mrs blue had asked for some paracetamol

mr green isn't talking very much - mr green has had a massive stroke

Mr yellow is a bit constipated - mr yellow had large bowel obstruction and had a laparotomy to remove half his colon that afternoon

got to love my job

bert
(Thu 8th Apr 2010, 20:58, More)

» School Sports Day

not quite sports day
back in the day, when i were a yout', in a vain attempt to interest us primary school children about the wonders of ancient greece, the school organised a greek day.

this must have seemed like a cracking idea to the teachers one evening as they sat in the pub on night. i can see the converstion now. "so why dont we make the little bastards dress up in nothing but a bedsheet, wander round the place looking like poor quality ghosts. they can all wear jesus sandals and look like uttter tossers. instead of letting them have their lovely packed lunches with that tasty ham and mighty white brought from tesco, we will feed them pitta bread and honey and maybe a grape if they are lucky."

the last part of the plan was to hold the "olympics" on our school field. i got given the job of creating both the discuss and the javelin, as my father was somewhat handy with a metal lathe. the javelin was a beauty. made from an old landing net pole (a fishing type impliment) and a skillfully honed spike which fitted the screwthread in the pole nicely. it looked lovely.

the discus however was a different matter. haing spent all that time on the javelin, it got left til the last minute. i know thought my father "ill just cut out a fucking massice disk of 9 layer ply wood. that will do. it will have the size and weight that will allow children to throw it for miles."

the dreaded day came and all of the predictions the teachers had made came true. even the pitta breads tasted like a stale imitation of the jesus sandal i was happily wearing. the afternoon came and hurray the olympics had arrived.

i failed miserably in both the long and the standing jump (jesus sandals arent exactly nike 's best effort and definately not for the explosive power a 10 year old needs to hurl himself a good metre into the catshit filled sandpit)

it was then time for the discus. oh why why why. why did i not look before i threw, why did fat michele not look before she ran across the field in front of me. why when time slowed down did i not look away from what was possibly the most hideous accident id ever seen? who knows. she certainly didnt. she didnt wake up for a good minute after recieving a fairly hefty lump of wood in the side of the head.

she got herself a week off school, concussion and a head CT. i got sent to the headmasters office.

still, it was hard to take a man seriously when he is also dressed in a bed sheet and jesus sandals.

thank fuck it wasnt the javelin

bert
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 22:51, More)

» Guilty Secrets

there are only two kinds of doctors
those who piss in on call room sinks

and liars

im not a liar
(Sat 1st Sep 2007, 11:56, More)