» Hotel Splendido

I was
at a works do in Maidstone once next to a hotel. Got pretty pissed so me and a couple of mates decided to go for a wander around the hotel and cause some trouble. Couldn't really find much to do and was feeling quite tired so went into one final room where there was a huge blue rug. "Lovely!" I thought, so went for a lie down.

Turns out the big blue rug was an indoor swimming pool
(Thu 17th Jan 2008, 23:16, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Not me but a mate
He used to deal pills out in New Zealand a few years ago. One day he started drinking at about noon, and carried on for a good 12 hours. He may have popped a few as well; I forget.

It gets to midnight, and he decides to drive (yes drive) to an out-of-town rave a few miles away. He pulls into to the venue's car park - cue a jam sandwich flashing its blue lights in said mate's rear-view mirror. It's obvious to the NZ rozzers that he's pissed, so they bung him in the back of the squad car and drive him down the local nick.

On the way to the police station, he remembers that his pockets are full to the brim with pills and tablets. Not wanting to be caught red-handed in the cop shop, he decides what he thinks is best in his drunken state and stuffs all of the pills down the back of the seat. In a police car.

He gets to the nick, they take his details, search him, and all the other usual formalities. After a couple of hours, they decide he's free to go, and being good-natured antipodeans, agree to take him back to the rave (minus his car keys of course).

So he jumps in the back of the car, and after a mile or so it suddenly hits him that he's in the same police car as before! So he sticks his hand down the back of the seat - lo and behold, his pills are down there. He stuffs them into his pocket, goes to the rave (albeit 3 hours late) and sells the lot.

Result!
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 13:50, More)

» Failed

Oops
I once told a girl in Dublin after a rigorous game of lacrosse that I was "sweating like a Jew in a shower".

She failed to see the funny side.
(Tue 9th Jan 2007, 22:59, More)

» My Collection

My Parents are collecting...
...humourous anecdotes which my dad can use in his speech at my wedding in however many years time. Their favourite so far goes something like this:

One day when I was about 17-18 I had been out on the piss and had my taxi money stolen by some bigger boys. I decided I wouldn't ring my parents as they wouldn't be too pleased at having to pick me up at 2 in the morning.

So I began an 8 mile trudge home. I was quite pissed at the start so it went rather quickly. However the alcohol eventually wore off so I started to get a bit scared as I was walking down an unlit and unpaved road through the woods. I started hearing loads of funny noises, and after about 6 miles I was too scared to continue, bit the bullet and rang my my mum.

I called her and she got my dad to come and pick me up the 2 miles or so journey it was into the woods. I asked her to stay on the phone until he arrived; I thought it would help for some reason. He collected me after ten minutes or so and I went off to bed.

Anyway, the next day, I came down from my room and my parents were laughing at me. I asked them what was so funny, and my mum said that in my semi-drunken state, I had said to her whilst on the phone and walking through the woods that the squirrels in the trees were throwing nuts at me!

Oh the shame.
(Sat 13th Jan 2007, 23:45, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Joke 5
Police admitted today that George Best was not buried in Belfast last week and the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning may have been a mistake.
(Wed 14th Dec 2005, 10:11, More)