b3ta.com user Axe murderer
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» Weddings

Imagine sitting at the wedding reception table, looking onto the top table, and my girlfriend knowing that I had actually shagged both the bride and the 2 bridemaids.

Pure Quality
(Wed 20th Jul 2005, 10:05, More)

» Fire!

Hot Lock
During army basic training we kept our pristine equipment in our bedside lockers and always locked.
One of the lads had gone to the toilet, so for a joke we thought we would make his locker padlock redhot to touch as we knew he would return to open it, burn his hand, and this we would find hilarious!!
Using an aerosol and lighter, we fashioned together a crude blow torch and preceded to blast his lock with the red hot blue flame.
Of course this not only turned the lock searing hot but it also flashed through gap between the doors and set fire to his clothes.
Imagine, the locker was burning from the inside, smoke pouring out of the top and him unable to open the locker because the lock was too hot to touch.

How I laughed......I was jailed for 7 days for that little prank
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 16:06, More)

» Weddings

Not a good idea
Got severely pissed, ignored the buffet queue and tucked straight into the food without a plate. Threw anything I didn't like back onto the table, half-bitten. Proceeded to slag-off the bride to a couple who happened to be her best friends. Spent most of the night being threaten by the families parents for laying on-top-of the expensive leather sofas. Narrowly avoided a beating by the skin of my teeth.
Spent all day Sunday ringing and calling on people to say sorry, beg forgiveness, lick arse and the rest of it.

not good.
(Sun 17th Jul 2005, 13:35, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

Pretentious names really fook me off.

These are name of people Ive met, generally girls, who think there being unique and its just a load of fooking shite.

How about Soozie instead of Suzie
Or Dannii instead of of Danny
Vici instead of Vicki
Or Ceri instead of Kerry

Oh and personalised number plates?
Using a 4 in place of a A, a 3 for an E.
Get a fooking life you closet chavs and if you've nothing else to do with your money either give it to charity or piss it up against the wall.
(Tue 4th Oct 2005, 11:26, More)

» Jobsworths

Bouncers Again Again
I paid my money and entered the club but was no sooner through the door before being collared. A hairy-arsed, baboon, meathead type bouncer approached and gestured to me to remove my jacket (at the expense of another quid)! The said jacket was hardly noticeable as a jacket, hence passing through the entrance and paying my 10 pounds entrance. This I explained but with his insistence and my refusal a standoff occurred at 5inches.
He very kindly escorted me to the front entrance, my girlfriend giving him a lesson in how to swear at the same time.
Other bouncers gathered, and, being early-on in the night hadn't seen much action. They decided I was fair game.
In the ensuing fracas I managed to bust a bouncers nose and have one arrested. (The police were outside and were sympathetic to my unprovoked attack which spilled into the gutter).
The morale of the story is, if your a bouncer being a jobsworth I will break you're twunting nose you cants

I always win
(Thu 12th May 2005, 14:48, More)
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