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» Heckles

The Mighty Boosh
At the Reading Hexagon the other night the Mighty Boosh was on. Vince came on wearing a cape, and said "I'm bringing the cape back in man," at which point some girl got annoied and shouted "THAT'S MY LINE!"

Vince quickly responded with "what, you part of the show now are ya?" and the lass explained that she was bringing the cape back in, not him, so Howard suggested they have a twirl off in their capes, but she's left her cape at home. Vince then said "everyone's got capes at home, this guy has 9, but he didnt bring 'em tonight!" While pointing at a random member of the audience, oh how we laughed as the girl sat down defeated by Vince Noir.

Someone else also heckled by saying one of the lines of the show a full 20 minutes before it was due to come up in the show, so when they got to the line, he cheered and Vince called him "Nostradamus of the hecklers: It will all become clear soon!"

(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 14:05, More)

» Useless advice

A wise old Glasweigan
I say wise old Glasweigan, I mean a piss'ead in McDonald's just before closing. Anywho, he was about to leave, we were right behind him, as he gets to the exit, he drops his burger onto the wet, dirty street. He then stares at this burger and, remembering the 5 second rule, snaps it back up again. He then turns to me and says, "Y'see the problem with this country is we don't eat enough shite, if we ate more shite, no one would have things like asthma." He then took a big bite out of his burger and buggered off into the cold Scottish night.
(Thu 19th Oct 2006, 13:08, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

While working at Legoland
The amount of Muslims who came up to me and yelled at me for selling their kids hot dogs that contained pork! Shock horror, sausages, with pork in them!?!

Firstly, I'm sure it was the parents that gave these kids the money to buy the hot dogs, secondly, how is it MY fault I don't tell every customer who looks like a Muslim that Hot Dogs contain pork? I dunno...

The best part for me came when a parent was screaming "is there pork in it?" and I calmly said, the hot dogs are made from Pork, Chicken and Turkey (or so the packaging said), she then spent 10 minutes telling me to sell her a chicken one... despite all my protests stating that they were a mix of the three meats. Ah well.
(Fri 21st Jul 2006, 10:56, More)

» Terrible Parenting

My Dad
used to take me to the cemetry instead of the park because it was closer...

Explains a lot.
(Mon 20th Aug 2007, 18:07, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Not me, but my neighbour
I was at my next door neighbour's house and we were all quite stoned and he turns around and says, in the most serious way possible "Hey Twizt, did you know that black people absorb light." Which had us rolling around on the floor laughing so much that it woke up his housemate... a black bodybuilder, who didnt take too kindly to the rest of the things my neighbour chose to say about his race... :S
(Sat 17th Dec 2005, 0:07, More)
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