b3ta.com user RandomTwat
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» The last thing that made me cry

I have a lot of problems due to my dyslexia, such as reading things. But I was close to tears when I found out Popeye had died last week. Luckily I re-read it and realised it was some other bloke.
(Wed 20th Apr 2005, 11:25, More)

» Jobsworths

MOT Testing Tosser.
The day before I took my car for its MOT, I had the misfortune to snap my inner drivers door handle. Thus making it impossible to open the door from the inside of the car. I solved this problem by winding the window down every time I stopped and opening it from the outside.

Knowing that this would be the only failure, I kindly asked the chap if he could turn a blind eye (my alibi being it snapped as soon as I left the test centre) as I would have to wait another week before I could afford the new door handle.

Alas the bloke gave me a MOT failure sheet, exclaiming "If the car was submerged" I would have difficulty escaping. We then had a 10 minute debate on escape procedures and their flaws, such as:

If the window was permanently left open, the car would fill with water quicker.

I could not possibly have enough time to jump from the passengers door or the sunroof.

He was not even interested in my idea of keeping a Coke bottle full of air in my car at all times.

I wouldnt have minded except now I have to pay £12.50 for the re-test and £? for the handle (from Ford).

P.S The centre wasn't KwikFit or anything, it was a place owned by the afformentioned tester, the spiv.
(Thu 12th May 2005, 12:45, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

The Complete Stone Roses
After hearing The Complete Stone roses were doing a small secret gig (on some guys garden stage), I managed to skive work and make it down. I caught the last of their set but unknown to me, a small Sheffield band had just supported them. To say these guys were worse for wear would be an understatement. As the night drew in, I was asleep in my tent, when I was cruelly awoken by my own drowning, due to the running hose pipe that had been inserted through the gaping hole cut into the nylon. When I awoke, I went to find the culprit(s). After I went into the house (to my disgust) I find the lead singer (of the afformentioned Sheff band) wearing nothing but a vest, pleasuring himself with a Dyson Dual Cyclone. Sick to the stomach I went outside to discover the Bassist fighting with the Complete Stone Roses (plumpish) tour manager. To say the manager was angry would be accurate, but when he took his shirt off and the Bassist shouted "Titties" (in his best Scottish accent) he went wild. Ive never seen so many veins appear so quickly on a forehead. I think it took about 10 people to split them up.

I wasn't going to name the band, but fuck it. they were called Vegas Child.
(Fri 30th Jun 2006, 10:51, More)