» * PFFT *

Ah...
When I first met my girlfriend, I was particularly shy about farting in her presence. I was keen to impress, and I didn't think that letting rip would be the key to her heart. Two and a half years on, I'm more than making up for lost farts, and I now go out of my way to make sure she takes the full force of my offers.

For example, I called round her parent's house, only to see her in the garden crouched in front of one of the dogs. Her back was facing me so I thought this would be an excellent opportuniy to release a fart I'd been saving for her all day. So with all my stealth, I crept up, turned around and sat on her shoulders, pinning her to her knees. I flatuated with such force there were tremours in my legs, and the volume was enough to drown out the screams of anguish. I then brought my legs in front of her, locking her head in my thighs, and produced another stormer.

No sooner had I finished, my girlfriend calmly asked, "What on earth are you doing?" Imagine my surprise to find my her standing in front of me, and her mother's head between my legs.

This was two months ago, and I've been too scared to visit her parents since.
(Sat 14th Jul 2007, 17:20, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

I used to go to a swimming pool...
...where instead of one changing room for ladies and one for gents, it was one huge room split into cubicles. Some clever chap thought it was a good idea to drill holes through the cubicles walls for spying. I looked through one of the holes to find an eye staring straight back at me. God knows how long that fucking pervert was watching me wank over the lady undressing on the opposite side.
(Mon 21st Aug 2006, 10:17, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

That'll learn him...
I was five, my brother seventeen. Said brother took my chocolate bar which renedered me somewhat angered. My reaction? A leaping punch that connected with (what we later found out to be) his penis. The result? A swift trip to the hospital for an emergency circumcision. The moral? TAKE MY CHOCOLATE BAR AND I'LL FUCKING OWN YOU.
(Sat 15th Jul 2006, 13:27, More)

» Sleepwalking

Several years ago...
...myself and my girlfriend of the time went out on the piss, and subsequently went back to her flat for the night.

Come the early hours of the morning, I shook her by the shoulders to wake her up, in a sleep-like trance, urgently saying "Wake up, wake up! I need a piss!" Her response, naturally, was "Go to the bathroom then..."
Me: "Are you sure, are you sure?"
Her: "Of course, go on!"

So I threw my legs over the side of the bed, pulled out my cock, and pissed all over her bedroom floor.

She screamed at me asking what the fuck I was doing, which I apparently replied with, "What, just cuz I'm a guy I can't sit down to pee?"

She laughs about it now.
(Mon 27th Aug 2007, 13:30, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

More of a title than a nickname.
I went to uni with this chap named Herok. We allowed him his name, though when we wished to summon him he would be called:

Herok, DESTROYER OF WOOORLDS!

When saying the "DESTROYER OF WOOORLDS!" part, you need to amplify it and say it like the sinister and enthusiastic voice from movie trailers.
(Fri 19th May 2006, 11:39, More)