b3ta.com user ElGatodeBarco
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» The Onosecond

Another mate...
In the presence of a new member of staff my buddy was having a 'self concious' moment feeling very uncomfortable as she was so pretty. He'd gone to meet her to assist with problem of not being able to pass an exam. After exhaustive practice testing it was obvious her problem was not with the content of the exam but the pressures of exam conditions.

What happened next is now famous in our team. She was discussing the fact he had a calming nature. He actually meant to say 'I really wish I could come into the exam with you'. What he actually said was 'I really wish I could come inside you'.......

Nice. Lenth is relative don't you think
(Tue 31st May 2005, 9:21, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

They didn't get the job
A few years backI worked in a recruitment department. We kept a record of CV own goals. Some of which are:-

'I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms'
'It's best for employers I don't work with people'
'I was working for my mum until she decided to move'
'Let's meet so you can ooh and aah over my experience'
'Marital status: often, Children: various'

and my favorite

'References: none, I have left a path of destruction behind me'
(Sun 9th Jul 2006, 12:40, More)

» Going Too Far

Well deserved as far as I'm concerned
My mate at Uni shared a house with four others, all of whom were complete twunts - you know the kind, sing loud songs while swilling cheapest lager wearing rugby shirts with the collar turned up and picking on the smallest - my mate.

Now I was out of this living arrangement being the Uni was in my parents home town and there was no need for me to expose myself to the ritual humiliation of these wankers or, more importantly, the expense.

One term in and my pal couldn't take anymore and moved out - not before emptying the communal industrial size tin of coffee, laying the most beautiful brown trout in it and refilling the coffee.

Several weeks later the household discovered the festering lump of human excrement, only after using up the contents of the tin.

Revenge is sweet? Putrid for these tossers
(Wed 15th Nov 2006, 15:43, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Boredom in the workplace
A good few years ago I worked in an industry that was 'seasonal'. The wintertime was long and boring. To add insult to injury myself and a collegue had to endure working with the bosses son who was lazy and up his own arse so far he needed a glass stomach to see where he was going.
A regular practice was to get in early and drill a hole through his mug at the bottom then fill it with wax. When he eventually arrived he would make a cup of tea and settle down to read a newspaper at his desk. The wax would melt through and the liquid would drain onto his lap - making him look although he had an early incontinence problem.
How we laughed.....
(Thu 5th May 2005, 9:43, More)

» Shame

I know I should but I don't
Probably because I'm a horrible person and I should be ashamed but I'm not.

Having been stitched up for a considerable amount of money from two family members I sent one a load of hyperlinks to dodgy websites from an internet cafe (not traceble see). I then reported him to the police who raided him and ran a check. Cnuts on the sex offenders register now.

Second one I reported as overhearing him planning to do an insurance job on his car (untrue). It got torched 2 nights later and when he reported it got arrested for fraud and the insurance never paid out.

These are things I have done when sober. I've done lots of daft things drunk as I have a wonderful imagination and a lust for misbehaving.

Perhaps I should start a revenge company?
(Mon 28th Nov 2005, 16:34, More)
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