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» Stupid Tourists
TRUE -questions to Oz Tourist Board
The following is from an email I received, great stuff...
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour:
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how
do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
(Wed 13th Jul 2005, 23:53, More)
TRUE -questions to Oz Tourist Board
The following is from an email I received, great stuff...
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour:
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how
do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
(Wed 13th Jul 2005, 23:53, More)
» World's Sickest Joke
For the builders.
How many blacks does it take to tile a roof?
3 if you slice them thinly.
(or just use wood - expensive but coming back in fashion)
(Mon 16th Jan 2006, 2:21, More)
For the builders.
How many blacks does it take to tile a roof?
3 if you slice them thinly.
(or just use wood - expensive but coming back in fashion)
(Mon 16th Jan 2006, 2:21, More)
» World's Sickest Joke
Not too sick & not about babies etc
there were these 2 rats in the sewer.
One says to other "whats up, you look right cheesed off?"(no pun meant with cheese)
2nd rat replies:"I've had a guts full.every days the same..shit for breakfast, shit for lunch, shit for tea"
1st rat: "tell you what, why don't we have a night on the piss"
(Mon 12th Dec 2005, 16:58, More)
Not too sick & not about babies etc
there were these 2 rats in the sewer.
One says to other "whats up, you look right cheesed off?"(no pun meant with cheese)
2nd rat replies:"I've had a guts full.every days the same..shit for breakfast, shit for lunch, shit for tea"
1st rat: "tell you what, why don't we have a night on the piss"
(Mon 12th Dec 2005, 16:58, More)
» It's not me, it's the drugs talking
Whats that in the bin?
"Whats that in the bin?" was question put to me once.
After many an evening as a teenager returning home with eyes a little reddened (as teenagers do) I would typically open something 'snacky' to cure the munchies. Whether it be a kit kat, mars bar or banana the nutritious part would be thrown into the bin whilst I'm holding the wrapper trying to look intelligent and hold down conversation, obviously not succeeding well and talking bollocks.
Yep the Banana went one night and mum just had to point out in the nicest way - why am I about to eat the skin!
(Mon 19th Dec 2005, 12:58, More)
Whats that in the bin?
"Whats that in the bin?" was question put to me once.
After many an evening as a teenager returning home with eyes a little reddened (as teenagers do) I would typically open something 'snacky' to cure the munchies. Whether it be a kit kat, mars bar or banana the nutritious part would be thrown into the bin whilst I'm holding the wrapper trying to look intelligent and hold down conversation, obviously not succeeding well and talking bollocks.
Yep the Banana went one night and mum just had to point out in the nicest way - why am I about to eat the skin!
(Mon 19th Dec 2005, 12:58, More)