» Mistaken Identity

Costner or not Costner
I used to work in the WH Smiths computer games desk with a crazy old Polish lady called Gerta who used to insist I looked like Kevin Costner.

Every customer she turned to for reassurance would shake their head, pull a face and admit I looked nothing like him. But it never stopped her.

I mean, I'm black for a start.
(Thu 31st May 2007, 16:30, More)

» Shoplifting

Jeans, but not genes
When I was 15, me and my mates used to go down to Fosters Menswear after school, take a few pairs of jeans into the changing room and put them on under our school trousers, then leg it out the shop.

I held the record - 4 pairs of Pepe jeans. It made me run like I had bum grapes.

But when I took them off down the local public lavs, I realised I'd stolen four pairs of 38 waist and 34 length.

But it was ok. The old man bought a belt and turned them up at the bottom. He looked like John Wayne. He still wears a pair down the allotment.

I told him that I'd found them on the bus. But he gave me a wink and said, "Just don't get caught, son, and next time nick the correct size, you plonker".
(Thu 10th Jan 2008, 17:43, More)

» My first experience of porn

three words
three words: Jenny, Agutter, shower.

Saw Werewolf again recently and not much of a stir. But then back in those days, a naked woman was enough. Nowadays, after years of the internet, anything short of a doity-mouthed squealing Barbie doll bouncing up and down like her life depended on it isn't worth the click.

Ahhh. How times change.

*click*
(Mon 29th Jan 2007, 9:04, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

Bullying ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Why a few b3tards have associated a harmless post on weird kids with bullying is defensive to say the least.

And the constant harping on about the bullied being more successful now than the bullies is dull dull dull and smacks of reinforcement rather than an observation of any truth.

Recounting funny anecdotes (of which i failed) of weird kids isn't the same as asking for posters to tell us stories of weaklings. Isn't this a celebration of weirdness?

The weird kid in my last post displays outstanding bullying behaviour, so put that in your pouch and smoke it.
(Thu 25th Jan 2007, 12:02, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

Like that mental
Not much of an anecdote, just a recounting of a horror. My kid has thsi crazy-haired best friend who is the weirdest creature this side of one of them David Attenborough programmes.

He's only six. Few weeks ago, he came round after my kid's constant bellyaching to have him round. So I pick up the kid and his best friend. Hie best friend's called Alec. His mum's quite posh and his dad's a banker, but Alec talks like he was born and raised by the king and queen of ASBO land.

Here's a few examples of the gems he comes out with.

Me: "Anyone want some squash?"
Devil child: "Haff ya go' ennyfink else?"
Me: "Squash or water."
Devil child: "I 'ate wa'er. Get me sumfink like a milkshake NOW!"

I asked my girlfriend if I could smash someone else's child's face off, but she tells me this is socially unnacceptable. Damn you, liberals. This kid's going to grow up to be a twunt.

First time I met him, at a birthday party, all the other kids were playing by the swings and Alec was on his own, in the corner, pacing up and down, mumbling to himself, looking like a cross between Ian Beale and that child prodigy mental who became a cross-dresser.
(Thu 25th Jan 2007, 11:35, More)