» Petty Sabotage

A warm tingling feeling in the nether regions
I was living with my mate and his girlfriend in Glasgow. Should be a laugh, I thought, they're both up for a good time.
Little did I know before I moved in that the girl was sex mad. She would talk about sex all the time, constantly have her tits out to show us (the boyf found this amusing), but the worst thing was that when we went out, she would go into the lounge and pleasure herself with her vibrator.
Not that bad, I hear you say.
Yes, but she would leave it sticking to the couch, or on the coffee table. The last thing you want to see when you're tucking into a plate of sausages is a large, pink, glistening vibrator looking at you.
My revenge?
Some cotton buds, some Tiger Balm, and a light coating on the vibrator.
Strangely, I never saw her little pink friend again.
Sorry about length, I'm new to this game.
(Tue 10th May 2005, 13:06, More)

» Going Too Far

Real life grave robbing
My mate, who shall remain nameless, and who I don't know if any of you lot grass me up, had a little problem with his mental health.
In order to help himself he thought that shooting up large amounts of speed into his veins would help him.
Obviously that didn't work so he became a rent boy. As he was straight.
Nope, still mad as a bucket of frogs.
Aha, I know, he thinks, I'll start to dabble with the black arts, paganism will sort me out!
So one night, whilst hammered, he went with his brother to a local graveyard, dug up a corpse, removed the head and put it in a bag.
Back home he had to boil the head to remove the flesh that was still on it, dry it out, and then he had a really nice candle holder.
That, my friends, is going too far.
100% Gadjietrufact
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 11:22, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

I knew it was over when....
1 - Jar-Jar Binks appeared on the screen and said "me-sa". I knew then that my love of Star Wars was gone forever.
2 - I couldn't be arsed getting up for work at BK on time so toddled in late to find fire engines outside the store. Someone tried to do my (highly skilled, honest!) job, couldn't o manage it, and set all the oil vats on fire. Suffice to say, I knew I wasn't going to be getting that notoriously difficult 5th star, and my career with them was over.

Come of folks, cheer up! We've all got each other, a predilection to drinking too much, and it's the weekend!
(Fri 22nd Jul 2005, 10:30, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

B3TA customers/ patrons/ parasites
If you want food that doesn't contain any additional extras -
1. Grow your own vegetables.
2. Tend your own livestock, then kill it (may not apply to veggies)
3. Cook it in your own immaculate kitchen, following careful food hygiene practises.

Otherwise, stop fecking whinging!
We don't care about you punters that come in, you're stopping the kitchens from being a place to skive in and it means we have to clean them after we've made your food.
We still get paid if we make 1 or 100 dishes, you're not special, you're just another gaping mouth to feed. Yes, you can lose your job, but there's loads more jobs, as there's always drunken fools wanting fed.
Having said that, I'm glad I don't do it anymore. IT does tend to involve less bodily fluids.

PS - Oh, you'll want a story. Ok, here goes.
Was working in BK in Bristol, having a lovely day. In comes some snobby girl with her mum, dressed up to the nines, and giving my staff a load of grief. She asks for a burger with extra ketchup. I send it out, it comes back with a complaint that there's not enough ketchup on it.
Cue 1/2 bottle of ketchup in the burger. We all peered over the shake machine and watched as she bit into this burger, which promptly exploded over her lovely white blouse. Strangely she didn't complain.
(Thu 27th Jul 2006, 16:32, More)

» The B3ta Cookbook

Ma Po Tofu (veggie version)
Dunno if you've tried Sichuan food, it's the spiciest, most mouth tingly food ever. The peppercorns actually make your mouth go numb so you can eat more chillis. It's the perfect soul food after a crappy day at work, and it takes less than 10 minutes to make, especially if you use a jar of garlic/ginger paste.
This is the veggie version, instead of mushrooms, you can fry up diced pork if that's your thing.

Ingredients:
2 large mushrooms, cut to tiny cubes
3/4 tsp salt
1 tbs soy sauce
1 tsp Chinese red vinegar
Groundnut oil
700 g regular (not silky) tofu, drained and cut into 2cm cubes
3 tbs chili paste
1 tbs soy bean paste
10 dried red chilies
1 tablespoon fermented black beans
2 tsp peeled and minced garlic
2 tsp peeled and minced ginger
200ml water
1 teaspoon granulated sugar
2 teaspoons light soy sauce
3 tbs cornstarch/ potato starch mixed into 100ml water
1 bunch spring onions, green tops only, finely sliced
1 tsp ground Sichuan peppercorns (toast and grind them yourself)

How to:
Add mushrooms and 3/4 tsp salt to a small bowl and mix well with your hands, pressing the salt into the mushrooms well. Add soy sauce and red vinegar and mix to combine. Let marinade for 5 minutes, then squeeze out all liquid by pressing mushrooms firmly between paper towels or cheese cloth. This bit is fun.

Heat a wok over high heat, add 2 tablespoons oil and when hot, add the mushrooms. Separate the pieces so they don’t clump. Once they are golden brown remove using a slotted spoon and transfer to a kitchen paper lined plate. Clean the wok and heat over high again.

Add 2 tablespoons oil to the wok and once heated, add the chili paste, soy bean paste, chilies, black beans, garlic and ginger and stir-fry for about a minute.

Add the water, sugar, and soy sauce and stir well to mix.

Slide the tofu and simmer for 3 minutes.

Mix the cornstarch well and then pour evenly into the wok. Stir gently and simmer for about 3 minutes until the sauce has thickened.

Add mushrooms back to wok.

Sprinkle the spring onions over top just before removing from heat.
Top with ground Sichuan pepper and serve immediately over medium grain white rice (tastes better of you soak the rice for an hour before cooking)

If this sounds like your sort of thing, Fuchsia Dunlop's Sichuan Cookery cookbook is amazing, highly recommended.
(Fri 29th Jun 2012, 12:45, More)