» Now, there was no need for that...

Dont do Drugs, Drugs are baaaad MMMOKAY
in 1992 we did the annual pilgramige to Glastonbury festival, we had a couple of pub aquaintances who were festival virgins, tag along...

we arrived and set up camp without incident.. then got down to the job at hand , getting wasted and listening to some cool sounds..

One of the "virgins" we shall call him Dan for that is his name started quizzing me about dope... whats it like, how does it make you feel, is it addictive... blah, blah, blah i offer him a go on the reeefer that i am smoking which he turns down on the basis that he just cant smoke... I then suggested to him that he might try eating some, i told him in the top pocket of my rucksack there was same flapjacks that had hash in them, he was welcome to try it... the guy ummed and arrhed for a while, well "The Senseless Things" were due to play so i made my excuses and left.

After a jump around and a walk i returned around 3 hours later to base to find Dan... well, totally twatted, i asked him how he felt and he said he was having a bad time, it transpires he had eaten 1 square of my flapjack.. as it has kicked in he had gotten the munchies and eaten half of my stash (about 8 squares)

THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THAT!!!

As time progressed the apprentice Psyconaught got more and more fucked up, ultimately entering the worst state of paranoia i have ever seen. The attempts of me and the rest of the gang to reassure him that he would be fine were falling on deaf ears, he had convinced himself that he had done drugs and fucked his brain, and that he would never be normal againg. I finally tell him that there is a drugs councilling tent where he can go and talk to someone "professional" (though in my hayday there was nobody more professional of dedicated to the fine art of getting wasted than me IMHO :p) if he doesnt believe me this strikes a chord with him and we leave the tent in search of the drug awareness tent..

Upon arrival the scene is like an out take from Naked lunch meets apocolpse now, i have never seen so many fucked up people having such a bad time.. we take our place in the que , in front of us there is a guy who has done far too much Ket... rushing his face off, every so often he would get a massive rush and make this "YYYYahhhayayayayayyaaaahhh" kinda noise. There are people on shrooms, smack etc etc. a Group of 3 old hippies roll up behing us, they start talking to us, it becomes apparent they have dropped alot of acid AND done some fly agaric on top... Space cadets doesnt even come close, any how they are all talking about how wasted they are and all that, it is at that point when one of the Hippies asks Dan "what have you done man?" to which Dan answers "FLAPJACKS"


THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THAT

Talk about way to kill your credability and cool....nob.

Length, i have none, but the girth would win a blue ribbon at a country fair.
(Fri 17th Jun 2005, 15:12, More)

» Jobsworths

The customer is always right
I used to work as a chef on the isle of wight, by night we were a pukka establisment serving decent food, but the owner was a greedy twat and decided to do lunch also... so we serverd up the usula dross, chilli, chicken and chips, lasagne....

one lunch shift one of the waiteresses came in and said there was a man at the front desk wished to talk to the chef... I walked out to be confronted by an American man in his 70's wearing a stetson, embroidered waistcoat and cowboy boots...

"Now then sonny..." he starts... and not the best one IMHO "i see you have chilli on yer menu"

I try to keep it together "thats correct Sir..."

He continues " how hot is it ?? cos i'm from Texas and we like our chilli Damned hot..."

"Well sir it is what i would call medium strength , but if sir would prefer it hotter i can surely accomodate your needs" (you old cunt)

To which he answers " i'll take it as hot as you can make it"

Now i am sorry, but that, to me soundsed like a challenge, a challenge to which i arose magnificantly

I returned to the kitchen and dished up one portion of chilli into a bowl, then in a blender i placeda habnd full of Jalepeios, 1 whole red Habeneros, 1 full bottle of tabasco and a serving spoon of cayenne pepper, whissed it up for 10 seconds and added the resulting liquid fire to the portion of chilli, sent it out to the tosser with my complements, i wasched from the sidelines as the old duffer tucked in... with the first forkfull i saw the back of the guys neck turn purple :)

He sat there for an hour and 25 minutes before he finished the meal...i bet he never ate chilli again

i guess the moral of my tale is be careful what you ask for and how you ask for it

i make no appologies for length or content
(Tue 17th May 2005, 16:50, More)

» Toilets

Bloody cat
around 6 months ago my better half took a shine to one of the local strays, a pretty enough cat (if you like that kinda thing)but was completely ferral, you couldnt touch the thing for fear of losing a limb or 2

Things started out ok.. the cat was fed in the garden and made a dash for cover anytime i got too close to it. As time progressed the cat would allow you to pet it but was very unpredictable and would turn on you for no apparent reason. then when summer came and the weather warmed up, we had the back door open during the day the cat started exploring the house a little..

It was a sunny saturday morning, i woke up in bed alone, dragged my corpse downstairs to find a note saying that the Mrs and kids had gone to town, so i engoy a rare moment of having the house to myself... i went to the bathroom to takecare of morning ablutions all is right in the world peace and quiet, a read of the paper and a good dump..

The bliss was shattered by a howl hithertwo unheard by humanity and pain like i had never felt... the fucking cat had violently assaulted my bare legs whilst i was on the bog, a violent and completely unprovoked attack, my legs wer scratched and bitten to ribbons and blood pissed everywhere. The worst of it was the little fecker took full advantage of the fact that i was blinkered by the news paper and didnt see it approach.

Enter stage left the Mrs and kids... Oh how we laughed.. for about 10 seconds until i told them i wass gonna off the fucking cat

Well that was some time ago and the cat now sits on the Mrs's chair arm every evening lucking at me with the smuggest look on its face you can imagine
(Mon 5th Sep 2005, 12:21, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Robot cat
when we were young uns, my sister and i put smarties tubes on the cats legs, this resulted in said cat taking on the gait of a robot, my sister laughed so hard she pissed her pants...
(Sat 8th Dec 2007, 1:46, More)

» Urban Legends

Not me but my best mate
A good ten years ago we went surfing to the North bay in Scarbourgh, we were sat in the car after partaking in cheese sandwichs, cuppa soups and a joint (its the law after surfing)... my mate looks out of the window and says
"look at the size of those snails , they are chuffing massive",
i looked over and said to him dead matter of fact
"They arent snails, they are land limpets"

His first reply was along the lines of what utter bollocks, but i was persistant, i gave him some bullshit about being a specialist animal onlu foun ina narrow band of vegetation just beyond the sea and that the readons they were so big was to do with the saline content of the air and osmotics, the largersize meant the surface area to volume ratio was smaller which meant it could keep itselg hydrated easier... eventually he conceded and took the bait.. at the time i was a biology under grad, a combination of technical bollox deadpan face and cannabis induced confusion won him over.

I didnt say anything for years until one day the subject of "land limpets" was brought up in conversation.. i fessed up to the fabrication...he laughed his ass off

Trouble is he will not believe ANYTHING i tell him now truth or not....
(Fri 6th Jan 2006, 15:37, More)