» We have to talk

We need to talk about your sandwich.
I work in an after-schools club that goes full time daycare over the summer. I work with a bunch of tit-heads that think they can dump 14 kids aged 5-12 into a swimming pool and bugger off for tea and fags leaving them in the care of the lifeguards, because none of them has the nerve to don a swimming costume and actually look after the kids, or even thinks to round up the kids and bring them outside when the fire alarm goes off, things like that, so I'm very much trusted and sent on all field trips and they'd be screwed without me.

We have a minibus driver who took his much deserved 3 weeks off last summer, so my boss asked me (as the only other person with a licence) to drive the minibus for those weeks. She couldn't do it because she'd be "too nervous". I pointed out that I didn't have a PSV licence and had never driven anything that size before but I basically wasn't given a choice. Drive the bus or else. So I did. For three weeks I took the kids and a couple of my co workers (who actually are lovely people, just crap at being the grown ups)to the Giants Causeway, Stormont castle, Folk Parks in Omagh etc. I'm 5'1, by the way, and it was a workout for me to reach the pedals and handbrake.


Summer scheme ends and everything goes back to normal. Round about October, I was late several times in one week and the boss calls me in with "We need to talk". I go into her office and immediately start into "I'm sorry, I know I've been late, it won't happen again" etc. No, that's not the problem. I'm being warned for gross misconduct, she says. Gross misconduct?! I'm very taken aback. I pride myself on doing my job very, very well. I also work with other peoples precious babies and was very hurt and upset. What the hell have I done?

Turns out I'd taken the minibus out on my lunchbreak to fill the tank and been seen buying lunch for myself in the service station when I paid for the diesel.

Of course, I immediately tendered my resignation as I'm obviously some evil, dangerous, lunch-purchasing cnut who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near kids lest they witness me consume a sandwich or a mars bar or something equally innocence-shattering. I was told that wouldn't be necessary, but that the warning would go on my record. I suspect my sarcasm went unnoticed.

She ignored my questions about "Didn't you once send the bus to the airport to pick your entire family? And get a lot of stuff taken from your house to the dump? And have it decorated and driven down the road for a parade?". Those are perfectly acceptable things to do with a school minibus, it seems. But buying a sandwich (all service stations should have a Subway... mmm) while paying for fuel is bang out of order.

It was three months after the event too! She'd sat on the knowledge of my heinous behaviour for all that time because she kept forgetting to mention it to me. The woman is utterly, utterly insane. And foriegn. I'd look for another job but the boss is emigrating home at the end of this summer so I won't have to put up with her insanity anymore and intend to start bullying my new boss into running things my way before she can settle in.

I expunged my own record 2 days later too. Now *that's* gross misconduct.
(Fri 20th Apr 2007, 14:16, More)

» When animals attack...

fcuk a dcuk
When I was three, my parents took me to the local Waterworks to feed the ducks and ducklings and the swans.

I was desperately trying to get some bread to a poor, bedraggled duck-runt but a big swan kept getting the way. I was yelling at it to "Go 'WAY!" but it wasn't exactly listening.

So I punched it right in the face.

My mum completely freaked and picked me up and ran away (swans are notoriously nasty pieces of work and it hissed and spread it's wings) and my dad couldn't move for laughing at the way the swan's neck had rippled and it's head had whipped round. Then he remembered some archaic law about swans being the property of the Queen and he legged it too.

First post and being a lady, no apologies for depth.
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 16:28, More)

» Nativity Plays

Not my story
But I found this:

Went to Abigail’s school Christmas concert (no “proper” Nativity this year). Each class did a little something followed by a song or 2. Anyway, Ab’s class did a Nativity scene, with Ab as Mary (How proud was I?). A few mins into their bit Ab promptly lifted her dress & shoved baby Jesus up it. The script then wandered away from what they’d learnt & goes as follows….

Joseph: “What are you doing?”
Mary: “I’m feeding our baby”
Shepherd: “Have you got a bottle up there then?”
Mary: “Don’t be silly he’s having milk from my booby”
Joseph: “That’s disgusting”
Mary: “No, that baby milk they have in Tescos is disgusting. My baby’s having proper milk”
Shepherd: “What’s a booby?”
Mary: “Those sticky out bits ladies have”
Shepherd: “They’re not boobies, they’re nipples”
Mary: “No they’re not, they’re boobies”
Joseph: “So why can’t Jesus have milk from a bottle then?”
Mary: “Because I haven’t got a breast pump with me - you forgot to put it on the donkey”
Shepherd: “Can’t you ask the teacher for a bottle to feed Jesus with?”
Mary: “No because this is the best way to feed Jesus. Anyway bottles haven’t been invented yet & even if they were I’ve just had a baby so if you think I’m faffing about round Tescos to buy baby milk when I make proper milk in my boobies you can think again”


Here: www.hunnybeez.co.uk/hunnybeez-nativity-breastfeeding
(Tue 31st Mar 2009, 17:06, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

If only politics was this simple
Me: "Did you hear that Ian Paisley retired today?"

Ditzy co-worker: "Oh. Does that mean that Gerry Adams wins?"
(Thu 3rd Mar 2011, 23:02, More)

» Vandalism

I do apologise
I went to a play in the Lyric theatre in Belfast a few years ago before it closed for refabulousment.

A previous interactive production (I was there for a set of 24 hour plays) had been about apologies or some such and so in the bar area they had these huge metal room dividers up with marker pens attached and a sign saying to add your own apology to the wall. The graffiti covered the gamut of regrets from "I'm so sorry that I ever hurt you" to "I'm sorry I let you hurt me" and even a few "I'm sorry our president is a warmongering bastard"s from the septics that visit our thespian establishments.

Me, I drew a big CDC.

And wrote "I'm sorry for drawing a big cock".
(Fri 8th Oct 2010, 9:39, More)