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» Heckles

Daniel Kitson at the comedy store in Manchester
My mate who was well lubricated and leery pipes up during Kitsons inspired set 'Oi Kitson, tell us a joke'

DK (without missing a beat) - 'Knock Knock'
Mate - 'Whose there?'
DK - 'Your a cunt'

(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 12:51, More)

» Pubs

It is hard to know where to start
There is a pub called The Greyhound near where I used to live in St Kilda, Melbourne. This pub is frequented mainly by washed up middle aged folk who have spent most of their lives taking huge quantities of illegal substances. Needless to say, Sunday night karaoke is quite an interesting way to spend a surreal evening. I shall list a few of the things I have personally witnessed.

Keith - There is no other way of describing Keith other than odd. He wears loud suits and talks utter bollocks, hes very reminicent of Uncle Pete(Charlie Chuck) from Vic Reeves Big Night Out. Hes the kind of person you would imagine in your head if you were to think about how I person would look and behave if they had taken LSD every day for about 15 years. What Keith likes to do whilst singing his song is thow packets of spam in to the audience and prepare sandwiches for them using food secreted upon his person. He is particularly inventive as to where he hides this food as to the actual food items themselves. Luckily I have never seen him produce anything from the more obvious hiding place but I would guess its only a matter of time.

Margie - She is a mid 40s lady who, whilst belting out Queen songs badly, models different T-Shirts for a man known only as Dirty Kurty, you will have to trust me when I tell you that this name is quite apt. For reasons known only to herself she frequently abandons the modelling part of the show and likes to bare her breasts. After seeing what naked clock guy has to offer this is sometimes a welcome interlude. Unfortunately however if Margie is particularly refreshed she has been known to get completely naked and lie on her back with legs apart and nothing left to the imagination. Believe me when I tell you that this is not a welcome nor pretty site, this behaviour usually results in people taking off their own clothes in order to throw them at Margie in the hope of covering some of her up and saving the rest of us from having to use too much mind bleach. I have also personally witnessed Margie dancing naked on the stage with her own pet Greyhound. In fairness the dog does seem to enjoy the attention.

Naked Clock Man - He likes to take his clothes off and sing his song stark naked with a clock hung around his neck. On occasion I have also seen him with the numbers of a clock drawn around his manly bits and with a bit of strung attached to his member he will point it to different numbers whilst he sings. Nobody knows what the significance of the clock is and frankly are too afraid to ask. I have also seen him perform with a live rat balanced on his bits. As the compare so delicately put it "It only hangs on there for the promise of cheese"

These three are amongst the regular performers, there are other and occasionally stranger people who come and go. Usually the two compares are drunk and on various drugs and this can make for a higly entertaining evening.

So anyway, if you fancy a cheap and terrifying night of entertainment when you next visit Melbourne, get yourself a tetanus shot, head down The Greyhound and strap yourself in.
(Sun 8th Feb 2009, 4:15, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

This appears from time to time
Usually people manage to climb up the wall and cross the first 2 letters out but this pic gives the general idea.

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(Sun 6th May 2007, 7:22, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

Penn and Teller
Apple logies, if this has already been pointed out. Penn and Teller did a very interesting series an episode of which was based on Ouidja Boards. They got a group of people who were using one, then blindfolded them. It worked fine. Then without telling them they turned the board upside down. The pointer kept moving but to where the letters used to be. Proving that it is not ghosties but some sort of subliminal thingymajig.

Also i did one with some mates as a kid and spoke to scooby doo and popeye which first raised my suspicions that we might not be communicating with the 'other side'. It did say my mum used to take lots of acid though which i always suspected but i have no idea how Dangermouse would have come by such information.
(Fri 21st Apr 2006, 20:51, More)

» Racist grandparents

When my grandfather was very ill, he had a nurse who would come in every day and look after him,
Once when the family were all round visiting and said nurse, who was of Jamaican origin, was bustling about doing a fantastic job as always, my granmother commented "Oh she is wonderful you know, works like a black!"

Que Reeves and Mortimer moment as the room went silent apart from the sound of every persons jaw hitting the ground and a tumble weed rolled in from the hallway and across the living room carpet.
(Thu 27th Oct 2011, 21:58, More)
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