» Toilets

Yay, we're finally getting new toilets!!! Or so we thought....
I'm at a fairly well respected university and I've been complaining for months about the state of the loos, I'm on a committee which gets such 'illustrious' speakers as Sir Robert Winston in for evening science talks and think it's a bit embarrassing showing doddery old ladies to a toilet which is, quite frankly, covered in shit.

So one complaint meeting in September I was told that they wouldn't bother trying to hire cleaners who actually use anything more than a hopeful flush to clean the loos since they were being refurbished in summer.

Yes, they think that a rehaul in June is a good excuse not to clean the loos from September onwards. A student house yes, but one of the oldest chemistry departments in the country?? Shocking!!

I bided my time patiently, took the old doddery ladies to the second floor bathroom or told them to try and hold it in for a whole academic year (my biding, not their holding it in...) and finally the builders arrived. They drank tea, they whistled at the hot scientist girls, they even picked up a screwdriver once. Steadily the summer disappeared and my hope grew in an inverse relationship. Finally yesterday my day of reckoning came, the builders had taken down the paper&magic marker 'Do not use, toilets being refurbished' sign.
Instead of going to the basement to use the loo, as I had been for many months, I ventured into the ground floor loos.

The floor shon!
The walls gleamed and sang happy peeing songs to me!
I felt like eating my lunch off the restroom floor, smiling all the way.

I headed towards the dirtiest of the loos and with trepidation opened the door....

Imagine my horror on discovering that the cheapskates had changed everything in the loo except that actual shit stained loo itself.

Yes, that's right, they'd put a new floor in, put up new partitions and doors, even changed the loo roll holders, but it had not occurred to them to change the actual loos.
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 16:49, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

There's a moral here somewhere...
A little while ago I was a single floozy around town and was accustomed to having the odd one-night stand. Some of these were great fun whilst others were grim affairs which I would not have embarked on sober.

One such liaison involved a man who I shall christen Spitting Nick for his habit of spitting both on my face and on my bits while shagging me (unfortunately I didn't learn my lesson the first time and had three different nights with him-why oh why?!?!?).

I didn't like this but he didn't seem to care. It turned me off quite a lot in fact, so much so that it made my otherwise err juicy bits quite dry. Again- he didn't seem to care.

Spitting Nick humped away at me for quite some time while I was dry and not really enjoying it- I was trying really hard to moan and groan in the hope that it would turn him on so much that he'd come quickly and get off me as it was really beginning to chafe, my poor labia don't like being rubbed by a dry condom-clad erection!

Anyway he finally finished and I made up some rubbish about being busy so I could get rid of him. I had a bath and felt a throbbing tenderness in my left labia, I tentatively put a hand to it and it felt weird, a bit bigger than usual. I had a look and it was slightly redder than the other, I was hungover and didn't really pay much attention beyond this.

On getting dressed and going downstairs for T4 and toast I sat down on a hard chair only to spontaneously burst into tears, my lady lips hurt A LOT!!

Much to my flatmates' amusement I went upstairs for a proper examination and was confronted by what can only be described as a bright purple sausage where my right 'lip' should have been. It looked JUST like a baboon's arse during mating season.

So now he's known as 'Spitting Nick who broke my minge', he'd be so proud if he knew!!!

My only regret is that even though my friends begged me to, I didn't take a picture...
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 11:33, More)

» Awesome Sickies

No shoes
I once phoned in sick with the excuse that one of my feet had swelled up and I couldn't fit into my shoes*

It was 100% fact, but I did get some very funny looks when I hobbled in 2 days later.


*A little known inflammation of the skin called cellulitis
(Wed 14th Jun 2006, 16:42, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Blisters
A few years ago I was staying at my posh old aunt's house and we were about to have dinner.

Being posh, she always warms the plates before eating. Being old she sometimes forgets how long they've been heating for.

I pride myself on my asbestos fingers so I always take the plates out the 'cool oven' (posh!) bare handed. On this occasion I shouldn't have.

I yelped lots and tried not to drop the two £50 plates on her floor, which resulted in my getting 3rd degree burnes to each of my finger tips (well there were blisters on most of them)

I phoned in sick for the next 2 days to my crapy data-input summer job using the excuse that my fingers hurt too much to type. Complete rubbish but on the third day I still had blisters so they couldn't complain.

Hurrah!!!!!!!!!
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 12:36, More)

» Essential Items

he he apathetic anglish swine
I also carry round a dice for those oh-so inportant decisions, Luke Rhinehart had a big impact on me!!!!
I also carry a special handmade inch-cube metal dice (no idea who made it, my lovely grandma found it somewhere and gave it to my brother, she doesn't believe girls like dice) which is magic beacuse it has two 3s and no 1.
Not sure why this piece of trickery amuses me so much but I like getting people to roll it for something when the favourable option is 1. I giggle lots as they lose again and again.

I also carry superglue with me, it's very handy. And a tapemeasure, and my entire jewellery collection in a small silver carrier bag.

I hope my mum gets me a jewellery box for Christms, but even more than this I hope that my silver carrier bag doens't get stolen.
(Fri 28th Oct 2005, 12:55, More)