» Pet Stories

Patchwork
My mate Steph has a border collie that his mum got at christmas time. A gorgeous thing that was bought from the one of the local farms. When it was a pup it had an annoying habit of slipping his lead an legging it, this usually resulted in me and Steph running like two arthritic walruses after a cheetah. Damn that dog can run.

One morning right on cue dog slips his lead and legs it. Only thing is Steph is getting ready to go to work in the local hospital. So he wakes his mum up and tells her what's happened and heads of to work. A few hours go by and his mum hears the dog scraping at the door and goes to let it in. She opens the door and there's Holly with a huge shit-eating grin and the remains of a well chewed rabbit.

After letting the dog in and starting to clean up the 'gift' his mum realises that this is in fact the neighbour's boy's pet bunny.

I a moment of halucinatory genius Steph's mum decided rather than come clean she would clean up the bunny carcass and stitch the woulds closed. She then sneaks into the neighbour's back yard and puts the floppy corpse back into the hutch.

About 2 weeks go by and my mate runs into the neighbour in the local supermarket and they start chatting.

'Did you hear my boy's bunny died?' asked the neighbour, Steph feigning ignorance replies that he hadn't heard and asked how the lad was doing. 'Well, he would've been fine if someone hadn't dug it up and stuck it back in it's hutch.'

Length? Considerabley shorter post mortem.
(Sat 9th Jun 2007, 18:12, More)

» Terrible Parenting

Some people.....
.....should simply not be allowed to have kids. When my mother was pregnant with me she met the man who would eventually become my father.

I was 2 years old when my mum and 'dad' got married. They decided that he would legally become my father, owing to the fact that biological daddy was a shit and wanted nothing to do with me. After some minor legal wrangling I was no his 'son'.

Daddy dearest was a paranoid wreck of a human being. This first manifested itself after she went to a New Year's party at my aunt's house. He called shortly before the bells to wish her and her kin all well for the year ahead. He heard laughing in the background and took this as a direct assualt. When she returned home the next day he beat her so badly that she couldn't walk for about a week. He also held me under the water, for I was in the bath at the time, until I stopped moving. Did I mention he was a paramedic??

Over the coming 10 years they had another 3 kids, 'daddy's' paranoia grew worse. He would stop by the house in his ambulance 2 or 3 times a day to catch her cheating on him, which she never did.

I knew what it meant to walk on eggshells before I even knew the phrase. The slightest infraction by me would result in hideous beatings. I remember leaving a book under my bed, something that I did when reading late at night, and he beat me with big heavy fists. Always to the stomach, ribs, back and legs. His favourite thing was to heat the botton of an old bottle on the stove and burn me with it.

My brothers would be chastised regularly, but never to the same extent. It was only recently after reading the 'Child Called It' series that I found out that this singling out of a child is a well known phenomenon.

To date I have about 30 or so scars that I can attribute to him. I still have issues with trust, intimacy and sleeping.

My mother had a far worse time of it than me. I'm terrified at the thought of having kids of my own, what if I turn out like him. Oh, I know I would do my damndest, but what if that isn't enough.

Thanks for reading.
(Sun 19th Aug 2007, 0:40, More)

» On the stage

If You Do It Bad Enough......
Appeared in only one primary school nativity. Walked on stage threw up all over Mary and fainted. Never asked to be involved ever again.Job done.
(Fri 2nd Dec 2005, 11:58, More)

» Food sabotage

When I moved away...
...from home for the first time I moved in with a guy called Pete. We were good mates and he still is to date the best flat mate that I have ever lived with.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, Pete's idea of housework was...well..inventive at best. Downright clatty at worst.

Pete's approach to washing the dishes for example was to let his dog lick the plates clean. Give them a quick wipe with a tea towel and then put them back on the shelf. I should point out that I only found this out after we had been living together for about 2 weeks. I was working nightshift at the time and left for work just after dinner most nights.

When I found out, a mutual friend clued me in, I was less than thrilled. My plan for vengeance was to make 2 mini steak pies for our dinner. One for me with lovely prime steak and one for Pete with lovely Winalot Prime. I put our first initial on each pie just to prevent any mix up.

His only complaint during the meal was that it didn't taste as nice as the last ones I had made. I told him that the butcher I usually went to was closed. When he finished more than half of his doggy delight I mentioned it's ingredients. After about a 5 second pause he just shrugged and carried on regardless. The man had a stomach like a steel trap.

Bon appetit.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 19:11, More)

» Sacked

Soon to be sacked......
I have just started with a new company and will be spending the next 3 weeks in training. One guy has already managed to be late 3 times this week and didn't even show up on Thursday. The rest of us are running a book to see how long it is before they sack him. I've got him down for for Tuesday.
(Sat 25th Feb 2006, 11:32, More)