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» World's Sickest Joke

How can you tell if its your turn to do the washing up?
Look down your trousers and if you've got a dick it isn't your turn

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps
So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "you're going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing napies"
"Why? Am I Pregnant?"
"no" the doctor replies, you've got bowel cancer

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.

'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging
out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'
(Wed 7th Dec 2005, 22:56, More)

» Mugged

Parisian Muggers
In december last year i was in paris visiting my freind at uni there. My last night there we proceeded to go out and get well and truely wankered. When we left i decided that i wanted food and wandered off telling my mates that i would meet them on the metro (underground) platform. Somehow i manage to beat them there so i sat down, and rang them to see how long they were going to be. Just after i had hung up i noticed i was surrounded by three yoofs. Two of them sat either side of me with one stood in front. Bearing in mind i was exceptionally drunk and my french speaking abilities consist of a C at gcse, the enirely french conversation went along the lines of "can we borrow your phone?" "i dont have a phone, its in england" and went on like this for a quite a bit until it turned to "give us your phone, or we'll hit you" que drunken stupidity, "i've told ya, my phone's in england" They appeared to lose intrest at this point and leave nicking only my fags until after about 3 minutes of realisation one of my assailents returns to give me my phone back that one of them had managed to nick out of my pocket with out me noticing, saying that it was too old and shit to actually sell and gave me a new pack of fags to appologise for the inconveniance caused

(muchos apologies for general overwhelming size)
(Tue 20th Jun 2006, 13:37, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Whats black and blue
and afraid of sex?
A rape victim

Whats red and black and makes women cry?
(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 0:46, More)

» My first love

First TRUE love
10 year old Vauxhall Cavalier, 1.8 injection engine. More broken things than an orthopedic waiting room, 0-60 in about a week but my god do I love it.
You just can't beat ur first car!
(Sat 22nd Oct 2005, 12:03, More)

» My first love

4 first loves of increasing magnitude
1) Jet from the gladiators

2)I met my next first love at the age of 4/5. St Jospehs primary school at handsworth, a girl called Alice. I once dived over the table in reception and ripped my mates maths book cos he stole my seat next to her. I even shunned the first girl in our class to get breasts for her. We stayed freinds through secondary school but it never amounted to much.

Que first love 3) I met a girl called becky on a family camp for our scout groups (she was a cubs older sister) After about 3 or 4 weeks we were on a coach coming back from alton towers we were snuggled up on the back seat with her coat over her lap. It was at this point that i first came to know that "fishy fingers" wasn't just something ur nan cooked for ur tea on thursdays. About 2 weeks later I had decided that I must be in love with her and went and told her. (being the young, nieve, 15 year old virgin with a hard on that i was i thought it wud be the best way for me to finally get my end away) She dumped me the day after :(

and finlly first love number 4) I met a girl at around june time last year and we really hit it off and i ended up snogging her at a party. when i eventually had to go she spent the rest of the night crying cos she'd just cheated on her bf of 6 months. We stay freinds but nothing much ever happens. Que 6 months later she accidentaly send a message to me which was meant for her best mate goin on about how she's thinking of ending it with bf who she's been with for nearly a year now.... que shoulder to cry on!!! We ended up sleeping together and she still remains the best shag of my life. After a couple of weeks at this she diceded to finally end it with her bf on their year anniversary. She didnt want to go straigh back into another relationship so we spent the next 3 months as fuck buddies until eventually in may she aggreed to go out with me. Come the end of the summer we went to Filey for a weekend together (non-stop-party-town!!!) On the second night we'd been stood on the sea front just holding each other looking at the stars and the waves and shit, then we went up to the room and just laid in bed together at which point i finally plucked up the courage to tell her just how in love with her i was. It ended 2 weeks later and we hardly speak any more.* It still hurts and depresses me just how much i managed to fuck things up with her.

*Sleeping with 2 of her mates a couple of weeks after we broke up probably didnt help the situation

(Thu 20th Oct 2005, 19:19, More)
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