» Now, there was no need for that...

broken limbs aplenty:
Having fallen arse over tit down some stairs and suffering a badly broken ankle, I have an operation to fit many screws into my newly deformed limb.

Everything is going swimmingly until the physiotherapist says I have to prove my mobility with the use of crutches before I will be allowed home.

"okay" says I and off I go - determined to prove my agility, until that is, I have to prove my competency ON THE STAIRS!

"shit" says I and try to weasle my way out of said task, but the physio guy isnt going to give up on me that easily and will not let me away with this part of my task,
"just give it a try" says he...

momentarally followed by my falling spectacularly down said stairs, and breaking both my wrists, my collar bone, my left elbow, and my other leg, and just for good measure 2 ribs! (oh and lest we forget 'two' black eyes)

Some time later I am lying in my hospital bed contemplating my future (ie: How does one wipe ones arse with just such injuries)?
When who should visit but mr physio,
(and here comes the 'no need for that' bit)

he brings with him a big bunch of flowers not realising the fact that I have acute hayfever and will now go on to bruise my remaining (healthy) ribs further by violently sneezing for the next hour or so...
(Fri 17th Jun 2005, 0:26, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Russian roulette texting
For some reason (probably because it's been bounced drunkenly off the floor more times than I can count) my mobile is very unpredictable... for instance it will send a text meant for one person to 5 random people from my address book!!!
This might seem harmless enough (and is occassionally funny until one drunken night when sending my chap a vodka fuelled message full of horn which went something along the lines of: "My pussy is aching for your cock, I want you to bend me over the counter top again and fuck me hard until I squirt all over the kitchen floor"... a few minutes later I get a reply, smiling to myself I quickly open the text anticipating some glorious filth from my fella only to have received a text from my mum.... "I don't have a cock, and if I did I wouldn't be using it in the kitchen! I do hope you have been using dettol afterwards" !!! Oh the shame, it made sunday lunch interesting the following day!

On another occassion after sending a text full of bitch to one of my mates all about how another friend of ours is a slag *insert lots of spite at this point* blah blah blah, pressing send and then realising that text had not only gone to its intended recipient, but also my dad, my nanna, and the (ex) friend of whom the text was referring!!!!! I got several replies not least of which from that 'friend' but the best was from my nanna who simply wrote "I could have told you that years ago, her mother was the same" lol

I still use the phone daily, it adds a touch of excitement to the day and I like living on the edge (although I have now removed all work related numbers from the address book..... well I'm not totally stupid)!
(Thu 6th Aug 2009, 7:17, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Bad eggs!
Age 14, I was making fried egg and bacon butties (mmmmm) upon cracking an egg open into the frying pan a dead chick and lots of blood and liquid falls out! ((heave))

Took it straight back to the grocer (frying pan and all) and got myself a free box of eggs a bottle of coke and a pack of bacon yum! (like as though i was gonna continue with that meal after such a gruesome discovery)!!!!!!

Apparantly this type of occurance is quite rare or so i thought until the same experience befell my best pals mum! pah!!!
(Fri 1st Jul 2005, 15:30, More)

» Weddings

At a cousins wedding many moons ago:
The priest says the obligitory "....speak now or forever hold your peace" when my dad sitting next to me - let out the loudest (smelliest) fart I have ever heard in my young life! And then makes a big fuss of how rude "I" was and how awfulof me to do such a thing!
This lead to a lot of muttering from the older folks, and raucous laughter from the younger crowd.
Nobody believed my red faced protestations of innocence,and then to make matters worse the bride ran off crying. sadly I wasn't invited to the reception (pah, dad you really are an old fart)!!!!!!!!!!!
(Tue 19th Jul 2005, 2:52, More)

» Banks

I heart NATWEST
I have read all your horror stories and sympathise, but I have found banking with natwest fantastic, firstly a few years ago I was in a relationship with a crappy cheating nasty fuckwit of a partner who after begging me to move in with him (so giving up my own lully house and most of my belongings) decided 12 months later that it wasn't working out and I was thusly rendered homeless!!!
I didn't have a bank account at the time as I was on benefits before I moved in with him (long story about depression and agoraphobia)so I had been receiving benefit which was paid via the post office, so now faced with being made homeless (how does an agoraphobic person find a new place to live??? well luckily I have a fab sister who did all the ground work for me and eventually drove me to my new place.... but I digress)... I now am faced with having to contact the benefits agency and explain to them that I needed to make a claim as I was now single, homeless and still very much agoraphobic, I also needed to open a bank account as thats how the benefits agency wanted to pay me - Oh no, fucksticks!!!!!
I called numerous banks but was told by every single one of them I'd have to go in person to open an account, no amount of tearful begging and pleading would sway them, that is until I called natwest and having explained my situation to a lovely lady called Pam, she sent out some paperwork for me to fill in and I scanned a couple of utility bills and my sis posted them off - hey presto basic account all set up and ready to go!!!! Some time later I went over my limit with them due to an asda delivery payment not leaving my account until 6 months after I had received the groceries (and then promptly spent the money believing Asda would never find out ... they did) and when I spoke to another helpful person she waived the £18 charge ... So I really can't complain about the good people at natwest because in my case at least, they have been wonderful!

Sorry for lack of funnies but I just wanted to redress the balance, not all bank employees are the spawn of satan, some of them are just really very nice! x
(Mon 20th Jul 2009, 19:58, More)