b3ta.com user ZoomZoom
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I am named after the Little Green Man, and I have a little ZoomZoom tattooed on my left shoulder blade.

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» Stalked

I was walking home through Victoria Park in Manchester late at night, which is never the most sensible of things to do. I fell into step behind a young woman, and being a young and naive prick, I was amused to think that she may perceive me to be a stalker/mugger/nasty piece of work, so I didn't cross over the road or overtake her,or do any of the courteous things one might do to reassure someone in that situation. I got a perverse sensation of power from it too, and I could sense her anxiety. Well anyway, she escaped when I eventually turned off to walk up another road.
I turned into an alleyway to take a shortcut and was promptly mugged by two guys with knives. I've never heard of someone deserving to be mugged before, but I certainly did.
(Sun 3rd Feb 2008, 10:25, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Must ...resist ...this ...thread. Dammit, can't do it.
One notable incident:

Mag out on my desk as a 15 year old kid giving it the old heave ho when my Dad walks in without knocking.

Fortunately I managed to throw the mag behind my desk and pull my t-shirt over my bits in time - incredible reactions caused by a surge of adrenaline.

Unfortunately I had started to ejaculate. Either he's a very cool dad and didn't mention anything, or he just didn't notice it, but he started to engage me in conversation. You know that face you can't help pulling as you spume? He must have known...

I've got some good locations under my belt as well:
- In a packed dormitory when I was a cadet.
- On someone's doorstep before I posted their copy of the Sun as a paperboy
- In one of the reading bays on floor 2 of the John Rylands library at Manchester University.

An illustrious career I believe.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 13:48, More)

» Other people's diaries

Not really read anybody else's diary
But my diary has been read by others... I accidently left it round a friend's house (in 1997 I think), and he came up to me the next day and asked me why I'd written that his girlfriend had dumped him, but no one was remotely surprised. Cue much grovelling. There really was no way to recover from that major faux pas.
I also wrote prodigious amounts (in the same diary) about a girl I had a minor obsession with, and about half a year later, a girl I went out with read my diary whilst I was out at work. She wanted to know why there were pages and pages of heartache written over some strange bint, and not a word written about her. "It's because I'm happy with you, and I was miserable about her" I replied. Was that a good recovery? I have my suspicions to this day. I'm still single a decade later if that's any measure of it.
(Fri 2nd Feb 2007, 0:16, More)

» Dad Jokes

Sunday roasts
Apart from always refering to gravy as gravity ("Pass the gravity please" etc.), my Grandfather (who is after all my mother's father) always came up with the classic line to stop us resting our elbows on the dinner table,
"All joints on the table will be carved".
(Wed 10th Dec 2003, 17:26, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Not me
But a friend overheard one of our alien friends exclaming on seeing Edinburgh castle:
"That castle sure is nice, but why did they build it on a hill? it's so hard to get to..."

Or words to that effect.
(Wed 13th Jul 2005, 21:38, More)
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