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(Tue 5th Sep 2006, 21:17, More)

New eye test charts are in

(Wed 30th Aug 2006, 21:09, More)

» Food sex

The Sweet Spot
I was shocked to find out my girlfriend could fit all of the following in her mimsy:

1 orange
1 apple
15 grapes
4 strawberries
6 raspberries
A handful of blueberries
and 1 banana.

It was hard work to get it all in but it was worth it in the end, as we both enjoyed the fruits of her labia.
(Sun 9th Aug 2009, 15:43, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

I have tried:
Being chivalrous
Being romantic
Being macho
Being incredibly cool and laid back
Being sensitive and attentive
Being a bastard
Stalking
Ignorance
Writing letters
Chatting online
Phone calls
E-mails
Talking openly and honestly
Lying
Dancing
Singing
Being who I am
Being the sort of person I hate
Romantic gestures
Fighting
Playing sports
Being nerdy
Being dim
Being intelligent
Arguing and being stubborn
Being weak and giving in
Letting the competition win
Meeting halfway
Pretended to be interested in the same things
Actually being interested in the same things
Begging
Being forceful
Being exactly who they want
Being exactly who they think they want

All of these things, though not all at the same time, obviously. With several women. I have still had no luck. I must be ugly.
(Sun 15th Apr 2007, 20:33, More)

» Spoooky Coincidence

I was once a barman
And I was working behind the bar one evening, and it was nearly the end of my shift, I was just waiting for the manager to come down and take over so I could go home. It was fairly quiet, as it was mid-week, and I was chatting to a guy stood at the bar. He happened to turn around and spot someone at a table, and he said 'That fella looks like me! I should introduce myself!', and off he went.

He got to the other guy's table and pointed out that the two of them looked very similar, to which the other one agreed. The guy I had been speaking to asked "Where are you from?"
"Cork" came the reply.
"Me too, which road?"
"Andrew's Lane"
"Andrew's Lane? That's where I'm from too! Which number?"
"Number 23"
"I don't believe it, me too! What are your parent's names?"
"John and Sarah"
"Incredible, so are mine!"

At this point, the manager came down, signifying the end of my shift. "Anything happen?" he asked me. "No", says I. "Oh, but the O'Malley twins are drunk again".
(Sat 10th Feb 2007, 20:13, More)

» Addicted

Kinder Surprise
Since starting work in a building with it's own shop, I have become addicted to the eggs of numbing inevitability. Not to the point where I ask for them in the third person, but still.

It started innocently enough as a bit of a jape between myself and a co-worker. We bought them, and sure enough got a nasty little toy inside the horrible chocolate. We did this for a couple of days just to see what pitiful, shoddy lumps of plastic were on offer. Then it happened.

The other guy got a miniature helicopter (which can be seen at the bottom of the pic below). It was great. Simple, effective, and it really flew. We played around with it for a bit, and eventually he challenged himself to get it out of the skylight. He did. The fun was over.

I had to have a helicopter of my own. I hadn't had enough fun with it, and he'd lost his. So I bought some more. And more. Even though I got strange looks from the cashier and other customers. And then I got one. So the other guy had to have another one, as we'd discovered they could fly sideways as well. After a while the teeth on the pulley system which allows the spinner to take off wears out. I was desperate for another, and my co-worker was helping, but at a slower rate than I. He wasn't addicted. I was.

And now, even though the helicopters are no longer included as one of the prizes, I keep collecting, on the lookout for the next great lump of plastic. I'm eating endless amounts of shitty chocolate in the vain hope there might one day be something amazing in the little egg. Occasionally, there are some nifty bits, but most of the time it's cack. Stuff you have to build is generally okay, especially if it doesn't fit inside the egg it came in. You might notice there are some strange animals in there. They have interchangeable parts, and you can give a fish horse legs, and a rhino crocodile legs, etc. I keep collecting so I can have complete variation. The main collection at the moment is 'Pirates and Monsters'. I'm two figures away from a complete collection (mental analogy welcome), but I keep getting the same ones again. Still I don't stop. At 55p a throw, the collection now stands at around £40 worth. It's ridiculous. It gains me nothing. The chocolate is crap, and the plastic is poorly painted. Some of it is just useless (flick books, jigsaws, etc). But as this picture shows, I am addicted:



P.S. And this is without going into how to choose the egg from the display, whether to eat or open first, the savouring of unwrapping the foil or the dedication in applying stickers. All have procedures which I must strictly adhere to.
(Tue 23rd Dec 2008, 19:05, More)

» Cringe!

I was in school.
Photography class. Lots of nice girls and 3 boys (one of which is me). Teacher (female) is taking the register. There is a discussion about some sort of school activity, and it ends with one girl somewhat angry about some detail of it (I forget most of this, but unfortunately not the worst bit). So all the class is silent for a second, focusing on the anger of this girl. The silence is broken by me saying:

"Tch. It's that time of the month"

I have no idea if I was just being incredibly dense, or if there was some element of trying to be funny/etc. involved. Either way the class was now doubly silent and staring at me.

I tried to escape my shame by saying "Tuesday".

I'm still ashamed of this now (along with many other cringeworthy things I did in school that I've currently forgotten).
(Thu 27th Nov 2008, 21:03, More)