b3ta.com user Chocolate Hostage
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» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Children are more disgusting than the internet.

Offspring #1 was 3 years old and Offspring #2 was a 1 year old sproglet.

Me and Missus Hostage were snuggled up together in bed in the early hours of Sunday morning, sleeping soundly due to the several bottles of wine we had polished off the night before to celebrate our anniversary. I was woken by soft giggling noises drifting from the Offspring's bedroom. Bleary-eyed, head still spinning from grape-related shenanigans, I blinked at the bedside clock.

Four in the morning? Those kids are taking the piss!

I stagger through to their room, open the door and I'm about to whisper softly to them to go back to sleep because it's not time for normal people to be awake. The words catch in my throat as I detect a strong, meaty whiff. Missus Hostage staggers up behind me. Everything's still pitch black because the lights are off, but then she detects the same pungent odour, reaches past me into the room and flicks on the light.

I have never been greeted with such horror.

Offspring #2 sleeps in a cot. Offspring #1 has taught herself to climb into the cot, so she can play with her little brother in the morning before Mummy and Daddy Hostage drag themselves out of the fart sack. This morning, Offspring #2 has explosively shat his nappy. Offspring #1 has climbed into the cot, discovered the contents of Offspring #1's arse napkin, and devised a fun game with the aforementioned contents. Which mostly involves both Offspring eating large amounts of it, rubbing it in each other's hair, and fingerpainting every reachable surface with it. I'll never forget the sight of their fat, happy faces, streaked with dung, beaming from ear to ear because Mummy and Daddy had got up early. You could see smears of shit between the few teeth they had.

Try washing still-warm turd out of your kid's mouth and hair. At four in the morning. With a pounding hangover. And every time the kids tried to say anything to me that day, I had to scamper to the loo to vomit because of the combination of my hangover and the shit-fumes coming out of their mouths.

I wish I was making this up.
(Tue 26th Jun 2007, 23:00, More)

» Training courses, seminars and conferences

Leadership and Penis
During my time serving in the RAF, I was selected from a cast of several to attend a leadership course. This appeared to consist of a series of retarded team-building exercises. One of these exercises involved a large amount of small foam cylinders and an empty floor. The idea was that these cylinders would be placed on the floor in a random pattern and each person would attempt to guide their blindfolded team-mate through the foam minefield. Because obviously matters of national security require the same leadership qualities as an episode of the Crystal Maze.

The instructor, a naturally boring man with a small, untidy moustache and a savage overbite, decided that it would be a good idea to leave his students in charge of placing these cylinders in a fiendishly complicated pattern on the floor while he nipped downstairs for a coffee. He exited the room, along with the people who were to be blindfolded (obviously so they couldn't instantly memorise whatever intricate configuration we came up with). As soon as he left the room, I put my leadership skills to work in organising these cylinders. I outlined my proposal for the pattern, considered advice from my fellow planners, and set my team to work.

After around five minutes or so, the instructor re-entered the room. He could only applaud as he was faced with six giggling adults and a crudely drawn foam penis, complete with scrotum, spanning the entire length of the particularly large classroom.
(Sat 17th Mar 2012, 1:51, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Party Poppers
I've been to a party. I've probably had a few drinks, then a few chasers, then a few more drinks just to cleanse the palate - in actual fact I'm probably more pissed than Grandad's pants. The function is either a wedding or a birthday of some relative I have very little to do with. I may, at some point during the night, have performed the 'canoeing' action to Jive Bunny. The finger buffet consists of soggy vol-au-vents and open cheese sarnies. Chocolate fingers if I'm lucky.

The best bit is that there are Party Poppers on every table. EVERY TABLE. At some point during the proceedings, these beautiful little devices will explode into action, ejaculating their papery, ribbony poppermess skywards to rest upon the doddering head of some elderly person.

And nothing, no matter what sad, shambling state of inebriation I have managed to gulp myself into, can stop me from sticking my nose into the empty, spent casings when no-one's looking and sniffing that glorious burnt whiff.

Also, showing someone that you don't like that you can fire a Party Popper into your own mouth (it doesn't hurt one bit). Then, when they gasp with shock at your sheer ninja awesomeness, spitting the whole thing into their fat, stupid face in a gut-churning ball of saliva, chewed vol-au-vent and brightly-coloured crepe paper.

I love you Party Poppers.
(Thu 13th Mar 2008, 21:46, More)

» IT Support

Does It Run On Pixie Dust
I'm an Electronics Techie in the RAF. I was visiting the Help Desk of a certain base located deep within the wilds of Suffolk and was lucky enough to eavesdrop on this particular gem.

Caller: "There's something wrong with my computer."
Operator: "What seems to be the matter with it?"
Caller: "Well, I can't log on."
Operator: "What's happening? Is it telling you that your password's wrong?"
Caller: "Nothing's happening, that's why I called you."
Operator: "Okay, when you try to log on, what do you see on the screen?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing?"
Caller: "That's what I said, isn't it? It's all just black."
Operator: "Have you tried to reboot it?"
Caller: "I've pressed the power loads of times, it's all just staying black. Nothing even happens when I type my password in. Will this take long, I have emails to check you know?"
Operator: "Are there any lights on the front of your computer?"
Caller: "Lights? What sort of lights?"
Operator: "Green lights? Little flashing green lights?"
Caller: "No, nothing like that."
Operator: "Okay, could you just look around the back of your computer. Above the power lead should be a switch, could you check that's set to the I position rather than the O position?"
Caller: (sounds of fumbling for 30 seconds) "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, is the switch set to I or O?"
Caller: "How am I supposed to tell? It's pitch black in here."
Operator: "Could you not just turn the lights on and have a look?"
Caller: "How the hell do you expect me to do that in the middle of a power cut? Now get someone down here to fix my computer, this instant."
(Sun 27th Sep 2009, 21:04, More)