» Other people's diaries

Wife, best friend; a common enough tale, but there is a joke at the end!!!
Oh dear, in the spirit of a lot of these posts where we can share the pain of being shat upon by now ex-partners...

3 years ago in the browser history of the home PC I spotted an entry for "hotmail folder: John". Mmmm.. I thought, strange, I only know one John and he's my best mate, now why would my missus have a hotmail account that I didn't know about with a folder titled "John"?

Well, obviously the installation of a key logger that night revealed all the following day when I managed to get into her secret email account and read all the lovely messages and dirty stories they'd been sending each other for 3 months along with the descriptions of what they'd done and would like to do to each other!!!!

When I confronted her that evening, she had no real choice bu the admit it but somehow it was all my fault for "not communicating". She then said that she fancied a 3sum. With hindsight I should have told her then to sling her hook, but my little head overuled my thinking head and I agreed, you see, I still loved her and couldn't imagine life without her and thought that maybe this would help somehow! (I know , I know, hindsight's easy).

So we had a few 3sums, she was a slut during them I'll give her that...but after a while you realise that it's just not right. It took me 2 years to finally realise that she was never going to love me again and that I didn't love her anymore and I eventually ended a 20+ year relationship with the mad slapper bitch!

And now I have a girlfriend who loves me, actually wants to shag me and is incredibly sexy and fun to be with.

And she ,the mad slapper bitch, is having to learn to deal with getting a job , living to a budget and pleasuring herself for a change! I pity whoever ends up with her and her issues!

Guys and girls, a piece of advice, if you catch your partner cheating, it's over, right! No doubts, no way back, it's over, walk away and find someone else! Believe me, I wish someone had told me that 3 years ago, would have saved me 3 years of hell on earth!

And breathe....

right, so to lighten this post up and in a pathetic attempt to get people to click the "I like this" link here's a joke:

Q: Why do mice have small balls?
A: Becuase not many of them can dance!

Click it you b3stards, you know that's a brilliant joke and worthy of making up for the lack of humour in the rest of the post!!!!

Length, girth? The girlfriend says it's too much sometimes but I think she's just being nice!
(Fri 2nd Feb 2007, 16:13, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

Brother's revenge
When I was about 10 and my brother about 12, I used to be the obnoxious younger brother and would fart on his head whenever the opportunity arose. In all he took it in a very restrained manner. Our parents however didn't think this was acceptable behaviour and used to egg him on to retaliate and duff me up as he was a bit wet at that age, kinda like a pacifist or something!

One day I guess I must have been being especially obnoxious as he cracked, jumped on me, pinned me down and starting hitting me about the head whilst kneeling on my shoulders.

My parents initially supported his eventual retaliation, but after 5 minutes realised that he was getting to enjoy this a bit too much and had to physically lift him off me before permanent damage was done!

I think it's fair to say he taught me a lesson that day, I never farted on his head again, and started to show him the respect an older brother deserves at that age!

That respect has long gone now mind!!!
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 16:01, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Someone mentioned bangers....
...which reminded of one of the funniest things I ever seen, which was closely followed by one of the true moments of fear I can remember.

In France, on holiday with my cousin and his family. We being about 12 and 13 decide to go and buy loads of bangers from the local shop. We buy a stack of them, including some about 4 inches long and a quarter inch across.

So we've got these bangers, and we're in one of the bedrooms of the gite. We decide that they need to be tied together to form a bundle like you see when they're about to blow a mine in a western movie.

So he takes about 8 of these things, holds them all together in his hands and I twist all the fuses together to form one massive banger.

We're standing there admiring this object of pubescent beauty, real dynamite!!!!, when he says to me "Go on then, light it".

Now, I had the lighter in my hand, he had enough bangers in his hands to blow them both off. So, of course, I lit the fuse! I couldn't stop myself, he'd told me to do it so I did!

We stood there looking at the burning fuse when we both suddenly realised what we'd done, I backed away mildly worried but smirking with that look on my face that says "Well you told me to!" He's stood there with a look of abject terror in his eyes. He looked around for somewhere to throw this TNT and spied the small 12 inch by 12 inch window in the wall 6 foot above the bed. He did what he had to do, and threw the TNT out the window.

Only thing is, the window was shut!

The bundle of big bangers bounced back off the glass and landed on the bed where they all proceeded to explode within about a quarter second of each other. Mayhem, it sounded like the battle of the Somme in that little bedroom, even from where we both were, lying flat on the floor with our hands over our heads.

Well that was the funny bit, the frightening bit was as we looked at each other and realised that our parents were all in the lounge approxiamately 10 foot away. Oh shit!!! How were we going to explain this one especially as the bed was now smouldering badly!

We only had time to make eye contact before both our fathers came in and lifted us by the scruffs of our necks and literally threw us out the front door of the gite.

We then had 5 hours of somewhat lessened terror as our fathers refused to let us back in the gite until they'd decided what our punishment was to be.

I don't remember what the punishment eventually was, I think they were so relieved once they'd calmed down that we hadn't actually shot each other that they kinda couldn't think of anything bad enough to do to us, we were just made to feel like twunts for the rest of the holiday.

P.S Dad, it WAS me that broke the vase in the front room whilst playing football in there, I swept it up and hid it in the bin before anyone noticed. I'm sorry that you had to have a stand up row with the owners of the gite denying that it had ever been there after you'd asked me if I'd ever seen it!

Phew, glad to have got that vase out of my system!

Length, girth: It was about 8 inches high, but my word the girth was HUGE!
(Wed 28th Feb 2007, 10:10, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

'ALMOST' virginity - only having ever been with 1 person, for 20 years, it's like being a virgin , but not quite technically!
Right be gentle with me here as it's not exactly my virginity, but my 'almost' virginity, and these events are still fresh, very fresh in my memory! This for me will be cathartic... I hope!

I lost my proper virginity 24 years ago at the age of 14, and then went on to marry the girl and live with her very happily for 20 years without even so much as kissing another girl. I kinda assumed that this was a good thing and guaranteed me entry to heaven when I died for leading such a pure life. Then 2.5 years ago I found out that this 'love of my life' had been shagging my best mate! I spent 2 years trying to sort out the marriage until I gave up 6 months ago and started looking around for some fun of my own.

I started getting close to a friend of a friend a few months ago. Close enough for me to tell the 'love of my life' it was over and this freed me up to pursue my new beloved! My beloved and me have spent many weeks emailing and chatting, I've been working away so we have spent hours on the phone getting to know each other but she was always adamant that nothing was going to happen 'that way' as I was still living with 'phsyco bitch from hell'

See how they change? 'the love of my life' to 'phsyco bitch from hell' in 2 short years - beware!

So anyways, I arrange last week to come home from a business trip a day early, not to tell 'phsyco bitch from hell', but go and spend the night with new beloved, who is still insisting that nothing is going to happen, that we can just go to bed together and cuddle and sleep. So I get to hers on Thursday night, we have a few drinks (well, champagne, ouzo, vodka and wine) and then she says at 3.00am that it's time to go to bed. Ok sounds good, I'm knackered after a week away and all the drink. We head upstairs, strip off and get into bed, cuddle up, me expecting to just snooze off like that.

And then she jumps me! Starts snogging and getting well into it. I'm lying there in the arms of only the second women I've ever even snogged let alone anything else. I'm pissed and very tired, caught totally unawares. I did rise to the occasion, but I'm sad to say, not for long enough. The nerves, booze and sleep deprivation kicked in and I had to admit defeat.

She was understandably upset, although not as upset as I was considering it was my equipment at fault! But she was certainly making more fuss about than I was as I slipped away into a drink induced slumber!

So the following morning, I have to spend many, many minutes saying that "No, I don't want to go back to 'phsyco bitch from hell', that I love her and that the previous night was due to nerves, booze etc..." and we start to get amorous again, eventually. I give her a couple of good seeing to's but my equipment is now on total strike and would not rise to the occasion, why did it have to pick this morning of all mornings to fail!

She wasn't complaining too much mind as she was getting hers, actually she reckoned that she could get used to this kind of service!

So there you go, I failed to lose my 'almost' virginity last friday morning. I'm hoping this open and honest confession of my failings will help to expunge the horror of it from my mind and allow me to give her a bloody good seeing to the next time we get together, although I have thought that maybe giving up wanking 3 times a day may help more!


Oh and for the record, I did go back again on Friday evening and did rise to the occasion, but she's so small down there I thought I was hurting her and that put me right off my stroke! So I failed again on Friday night, although I suppose it depends on how your technically define losing your virginity!

Obligatory size comment:

After the cavern that was 'phsyco bitch from hell', I don't need anything huge for new beloved.... which is just as well!
(Mon 30th Oct 2006, 12:05, More)

» Weddings

My wedding...
Whilst stood at the alter with the good lady wife, all we could hear from behind us was this blubbing and sobbing. We both naturally assumed it would be my mother, but I glanced round at an opportune moment only to see my mother with a face like thunder and my father making all the noise as he was rather 'tired and emotional' from drinking gin and tonics since 9.00 that morning.

All the post wedding photos show my father wearing pitch black sunglasses to cover the red eyes, he looks like a blind man.

At the reception he made it through the meal but my brother (the best man) and I had to take him to bed when he started to slump into the desserts. He missed all the speeches and finally re-appeared just as we were leaving in the taxi for the airport. It was nice to see him.

Best bit was when we got back from honeymoon to find out that my parents and my aunt and uncle had been ejected from the reception hotel at about 2.00am for letting of fire extinguishers. They vehemently deny doing any such thing, but do admit to 'moving' one around!

First post , yippe, and probably last.

Length and girth always quoted in centimetres, makes me feel better.
(Wed 20th Jul 2005, 11:43, More)