» Weddings

I'm a Dj,
and back when i was young and stupid, I used to do the mobile circuit and was regularly employed by a big hotel to do all their functions,which mainly consisted of Weddings.

Most of them usually went without a hitch, although you always got the brides dad or mum having a go because they wanted to hear Bridge over troubled water or the bridesmaids wanting some hardcore rave techno 160bpm song that would probably makes old granny hubbard's packemaker go into spasms. but most of the time you pay a bit of crap and a few new songs and keep most of them happy, job done.

One particular wedding disco that sticks in my mind was a couple who seemed about that same age as me, clearly forced into it, the brides dress, slightly baggy and lumpy around the tummy region and the groom in his army number ones looking embarassed all night. Her side of the family seemed quite respectable and quiet, but his were pretty run of the mill chavs and he had brought his full squadron of army pals with him for a right old piss up.

There must have been 20 of them all together all suited in their best army togs and up for a mad night.
I could sense it was going to be a bit of a dodgy night when 3 barrels of Stella, the good old wife-beater juice were consumed in the first hour of the bar being opened, I was told by the nervous and equally young bar manager.

After the traditional cutting of the cake and first dance, the biggest of the army spods came to me and demanded Madness, not wanting to argue with this meathead who was trained to kill I nervously complied.
Immediatly all 20 of them ran to the dancefloor and started jumping around and nutting each other,once it was over he asked for more Madness, so I again complied and then afterwards i moved onto something else to get the rest of the people up. This wasnt good enough for these lot, who all approached the disco and started shouting for more Madness, I told them I would play some more later, to give everyone else a chance, but this clearly wasnt going to pacify them and they started kicking the lights and speakers.

The brides father then came to see what the problem was, he clearly agreed with me and told the guys to sit down, they werent having any of it and one guy lamped him and knocked the poor guy onto his arse. His brother got up and came running and he too got chinned. This started a chain reaction which involved all the disco equipment, being thrown around the room, tables upturned, glasses smashed, 2 ambulances, 3 police vans and a tub of vaseline to remove a microphone from a place it wasnt supposed to go.

Me? Well as the equipment belonged to the hotel, I picked up my music, and slowly nipped out the fire exit behing me, laughing my tits off all the way as I'd been paid in advance. Result.

Aplogies for length, and for Gloria Gaynor at every wedding disco, ever.
(Wed 20th Jul 2005, 13:41, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

I
Work frequently abroad in Asia and the Middle East and am often found scouring the back street markets and souq's hunting out rare and bizarre items that have been hastily and crafilty put together to exploit unsuspecting tourists.

I have in a previous collection a Twin towers lighter that erupts a flame when you press Bin Laden's head. ( bad taste,yes but so very B3ta!!)
(Fri 5th Nov 2004, 14:23, More)