b3ta.com user Harpago
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» Messing With Their Head

I always tell Labour party people who knock on my door to fuck off aggressively.
I have voted Labour all my life, and will again in May
(Fri 17th Apr 2015, 11:51, More)

» Misheard and Misunderstood

I worked with some guy who went to the barbers up the road from the office and asked for an 'OAP' cut.
He genuinely had no idea
(Sat 30th Aug 2014, 16:48, More)

» Housemates From Hell III

Not housemates as such, but the Australian couple who lived in the flat above us in some converted shit hole on the Archway Road
Who had loud arguments and fights what seemed like all the time. We would lie in bed on Sunday mornings listening to them loudly calling each other cunts and stuff.

One morning after this fired up we could here things being smashed, basically the obvious sound of cups, mugs, and plates being thrown around the kitchen. I remember hearing the guy shouting "Stop smashing my things," at one point as the sounds of their fighting moved around above us. The weirdest thing is they were Mr and Mrs Normal by appearances, when we met on the stairs, in the street, etc. No indication they went for each other's throats with venom.

Anyway, that time they were smashing their flat up and obviously kicking the shit out of each other was a bit beyond what we were used to, and my girlfriend was rattled enough to want to call the cops. Their daughter who lived there as well must have been about eight or nine I guess, and more with her in mind I was more up for walking up the staircase and banging on their door and 'seeing if everything was alright.' We did neither, and moved out shortly afterwards. All a bit much for the cloudy judgments of a hangover.
(Fri 13th Mar 2015, 13:58, More)

» Celebrations, anniversaries and milestones

Took me twenty years to realise I was bored of drinking every night, so hit it on the head last year
I didn't have a drop for about eight months at which point I thought I was bored livid of being sober, so went to the pub and really enjoyed a couple of pints, then went home. Did this a few times and realised I could drink without guzzling. Great!

What I didn't realise was what I had inadvertently done by having a long break was loose 'the thirst' where you can't stop once you've started. So now I can go to a pub, have a pint or two and leave, with no desire/thirst for any more. I now actually find the prospect of going for a session a turn off.
(Wed 1st Oct 2014, 15:30, More)

» Things you can't unsee...

I used to be a courier in London
and surprise surprise saw shit loads of unpleasant stuff you don't really want to have to see just going to work.

The bodies in traffic accidents sort of added up; I would hardly say you ever get used to seeing them, you just sort of get less shellshocked passing them by. The 'best' was a a scooter who went right under a truck; bike mangled to bits, early in riding days that left me so phased I got into a fight almost immediately with some cunt giving some dude on a bicycle grief, directly opposite Holborn nick. Fortunately, given I punched the bloke once or twice in the face, the cop who emerged from the cop shop was sympathetic why I might have been hot headed given the carnage I described just up the road. He defused the situation by stating the guy under the truck actually emerged from the truck relatively unscathed. Which sort of made me feel happy but a bit of a twat at the same time.

Then there was genuine fucking carnage. Off Hatten Garden some guy on a bicycle was flattened by a truck doing a left off Farringdon Road and his head went under the wheels. As everything came to a halt even on a bike you slow down and look at what's going down. It wasn't pleasant. Took a while to realise what exactly had happened at which point I turned off the bike and radioed in someone needed to take the packages off me. I was in no mental state to carry on working after that. Curiously, as the cops, ambulances, and fire crews turned up, I remember seeing one bike cop puking up to the side of his bike. I was still sat on mine the otherside of the road. I remember that vividly.

I was lounging on my bike another time waiting (you always do lots of waiting as a courier) on Great Titchfield Street and some guy got stabbed to death in the doorway of a Chemist. Directly in front of me the other side of the road. That was a bit mental. At the time I didn't know he was stabbed to death, because I was bored shitless and half paying attention to reality; there was just this commotion, a scuffle and the guy was lying in the doorway. And like by magic my controller radioed in and was giving me details as a crowd of people gathered. I found out he was killed when I pulled up there the other end of the day. The whole episode ended up on Crimewatch, without me the other side of the road I might add.
(Wed 25th Feb 2015, 1:31, More)
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