Stay on Target


The blatant rip-off always annoyed me.

edit: too subtle
wikipeida for de-ris
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 12:50, More)

This seemed acceptable in my mind.

Now that I've seen it, I'd like to upgrade to first class please
/Hull

edit: Cheers for the support
(Tue 16th Sep 2008, 11:10, More)

» Bullies

I've been waiting to tell this story
When I as at School, long ago.

There was a boy who I shouldn't name called Paul Bentley

He was bullied lots.

One day before the teacher had arrived in classroom, a naughty child had drawn this on the whiteboard



All very entertaining I'm sure you'll agree.
The naughty child then shouted out

'Bentley, Bentley! Draw the pubes! Draw the pubes!'

Bentley was reluctant, he thought the teacher would walk in just as he started to draw.

Eventually he was cajoled into stepping up to the whiteboard, marker in hand.

'Draw the pubes! Draw the pubes!' chanted the class.

What Bentley drew relegated him to the world of the bullied forever. When he stepped away from the board this is what we saw.


(Wed 13th May 2009, 13:24, More)

» Siblings

I once heard my brother screaming.
This was the screaming of an animal in pain, a dying brother... I rushed to the scene.

The cries led me upstairs to the bathroom, behind which I could hear my brother's plaintive wails.

'Charles! What's wrong' I called through the door

'GET MUM!' came the reply

I rushed downstairs and found our Mum, I dragged her upstairs, we were both worried about what could have happened.

My Mum entered the bathroom and I hid round the corner listening to a conversation that would haunt my brother forever.

'What's wrong Charles?'

'THE POO WON'T COME OUT! THE POO WON'T COME OUT!' Came the reply.

I enjoy telling all his mates that one.
(Mon 29th Dec 2008, 13:45, More)

» Trolls

Confessions of a troll
Hello QoTW, I've a confession to make. I am a troll.

I've been trolling on and off for about 4 years on b3ta and over that time I've learnt a few tricks, which I'd like to share with you so that you can either troll people yourself or avoid being trolled.

1. Be economical.
As a troll you need to get maximum impact from the fewest number of posts. Every post that you make dilutes your impact and allows greater opportunities for white-knights and other trolls to pick away at your trolling.
Think Commando rather than siege. People will become aware of being trolled or tire of an existing troll more quickly if you post a lot.
Keep it brief, keep it to the point. Maximise your impact.

2. Pick your battles.
Similarly, there's no point trolling everyone, all the time. Good targets are isolated people who aren't particularly well-liked or intelligent. There is no point locking horns with an attractive, intelligent person (not that any exist on the internet) unless you've got a really good angle. Unless you've got some killer material or there are no white-knights around, avoid targeting all but the most chunky girls.

3. Be polite.
Never, ever throw the first stone. The most infuriating way to troll someone is to make them look unreasonable, whilst being totally unreasonable yourself. A good strategy is to feign moral outrage at something they've posted, ensuring that they insult you back and then criticise them for being rude. This is entry level fare but is remarkably effective. This depends on your patter. Spelling mistakes are an absolute no-no for this type of trolling.

4. If you can't be polite, be funny.
Once you've engaged your target(s) in a pointless argument where you look to be in a better position than them and you can't keep it clean, switch to insults which are genuinely interesting. Its all well and good to call someone a cunt but to really get up their nose, pick something which will make other people laugh, this is devastating. The absolute ideal scenario for a troll is to have people bitching at you and everyone else laughing at your replies. Going completely over the top is perfectly acceptable. A classic strategy is to find a photograph of your target and draw a massive cock on their face. Works like a charm.

5. Never apologise.
Never, ever, ever. at least not sincerely. This totally undermines the troll. Similarly, you should have no regrets about trolling someone. Troller's remorse is not something which should ever be entertained.

6. Don't look like a troll.
If you can do all of the above without other people calling you out as a bare-faced troll, the world is yours.

Some Recommended Trolling Strategies (see how many you can spot)
* find a story on QOTW which is obvious a lie. Point out in laborious detail all the problems you have with the story in such a way that the OP thinks you might be able to be convinced. String them along for a few posts before ridiculing them as a bullshitter. Tears will be shed.
* Pretend to hold an extremely contrary view to someone else, continue to post straw-man arguments at them until they bite before ridiculing their view using much stronger well reasoned arguments. a bit laborious, but very effective on a certain type of poster.
* Draw a crap cartoon of someone.
* Pretend to be outraged at something. Pretend to be deeply upset when people accuse you of being uppity. This works as a good opener to getting an OP to agree with you before mocking them. Hard to pull off effectively.
*Create new threads which indirectly imply a point of view contrary to that held by most people without actually stating that. Point out that everyone jumped to that conclusion without any evidence of it. Useful if playing a race or gender card.
*Create an annoying meme.
*Create multiple user accounts.
*Pretend to be a girl.
*Link back to stupid things people have said in the past. Requires Dedication (see Amorous Badger).
(Fri 20th May 2011, 14:01, More)

» Mugged

Outside Halifax Bus Station
I was surrounded at the age of 14 by and I quote:
'The Gibbet Street Massive'
who asked, and again I quote:
'Can we see your wallet?'

I took out my Jurassic Park wallet and instead of stealing it they just laughed at me, so I punched one of them in the face and ran away.

I've still got that wallet, it has a raptor on it.
(Fri 16th Jun 2006, 10:07, More)

» Drugs

This one time at university
Quentin and Rupert got some drugs from a drugdealer to take in the toilets at the Hilda's bop.
We all took the drugs, it was really mental! I got totally high!

I got so high, right that I thought that instead of being at the bop, dancing I was at the centre of the earth fighting a giant badger! How mad is that right! Then the drug dealer came becuase we hadn't given him the correct change and he started to chase me but I thought he was a bong and tried to smoke him lol!

Then I was sick everywhere but I was so high that I thought the sick was money and tried to use it to pay the bong, it was like my mind was melting.

The police came but they let me off becuase my uncle is Kavanagh QC and my Dad is Judge John Deed and it wasn't drugs just sherbert and it made my nose hurt.
(Fri 17th Sep 2010, 11:51, More)