Confessions of a troll
Hello QoTW, I've a confession to make. I am a troll.

I've been trolling on and off for about 4 years on b3ta and over that time I've learnt a few tricks, which I'd like to share with you so that you can either troll people yourself or avoid being trolled.

1. Be economical.
As a troll you need to get maximum impact from the fewest number of posts. Every post that you make dilutes your impact and allows greater opportunities for white-knights and other trolls to pick away at your trolling.
Think Commando rather than siege. People will become aware of being trolled or tire of an existing troll more quickly if you post a lot.
Keep it brief, keep it to the point. Maximise your impact.

2. Pick your battles.
Similarly, there's no point trolling everyone, all the time. Good targets are isolated people who aren't particularly well-liked or intelligent. There is no point locking horns with an attractive, intelligent person (not that any exist on the internet) unless you've got a really good angle. Unless you've got some killer material or there are no white-knights around, avoid targeting all but the most chunky girls.

3. Be polite.
Never, ever throw the first stone. The most infuriating way to troll someone is to make them look unreasonable, whilst being totally unreasonable yourself. A good strategy is to feign moral outrage at something they've posted, ensuring that they insult you back and then criticise them for being rude. This is entry level fare but is remarkably effective. This depends on your patter. Spelling mistakes are an absolute no-no for this type of trolling.

4. If you can't be polite, be funny.
Once you've engaged your target(s) in a pointless argument where you look to be in a better position than them and you can't keep it clean, switch to insults which are genuinely interesting. Its all well and good to call someone a cunt but to really get up their nose, pick something which will make other people laugh, this is devastating. The absolute ideal scenario for a troll is to have people bitching at you and everyone else laughing at your replies. Going completely over the top is perfectly acceptable. A classic strategy is to find a photograph of your target and draw a massive cock on their face. Works like a charm.

5. Never apologise.
Never, ever, ever. at least not sincerely. This totally undermines the troll. Similarly, you should have no regrets about trolling someone. Troller's remorse is not something which should ever be entertained.

6. Don't look like a troll.
If you can do all of the above without other people calling you out as a bare-faced troll, the world is yours.

Some Recommended Trolling Strategies (see how many you can spot)
* find a story on QOTW which is obvious a lie. Point out in laborious detail all the problems you have with the story in such a way that the OP thinks you might be able to be convinced. String them along for a few posts before ridiculing them as a bullshitter. Tears will be shed.
* Pretend to hold an extremely contrary view to someone else, continue to post straw-man arguments at them until they bite before ridiculing their view using much stronger well reasoned arguments. a bit laborious, but very effective on a certain type of poster.
* Draw a crap cartoon of someone.
* Pretend to be outraged at something. Pretend to be deeply upset when people accuse you of being uppity. This works as a good opener to getting an OP to agree with you before mocking them. Hard to pull off effectively.
*Create new threads which indirectly imply a point of view contrary to that held by most people without actually stating that. Point out that everyone jumped to that conclusion without any evidence of it. Useful if playing a race or gender card.
*Create an annoying meme.
*Create multiple user accounts.
*Pretend to be a girl.
*Link back to stupid things people have said in the past. Requires Dedication (see Amorous Badger).
( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:01, 59 replies)

Clickin dis.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:06, closed)

I've actually revealed my MO
Hopefully this will make QOTW/OT harder to troll in future.
( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:07, closed)

The easiest victims are not very self-aware, let alone aware of anyone else.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:08, closed)

I'm up for a challenge.
Maybe you should come clean on how you operate?
( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:09, closed)

You've basically covered it.
Make some kind of outrageous 'maybe if you weren't a nonce' type post at someone.
Then link to a post which makes them look a bit creepy.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:14, closed)

You do have an advantage though
keeping an archive and that.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:25, closed)

Oh and carefully targeted deliberate stupidity/misunderstanding on your part can work a treat.
I once wound up some bloke to the point where he was making Internet Death Threats. He stated that he's love to punch me.
Eventually.
He was so upset he forgot to check what he was keymashing in and wrote 'id love punch you at you'rr house ne day of the week'.

I told him I was flattered but didn't enjoy fisting. And then had to tell him what fisting was.
By this point he'd copped on to his mistake and edited his post. Which I'd screencapped.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:58, closed)

A bit like this?

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:12, closed)

Hahahahahahaha

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:15, closed)

I want this on a t-shirt
The picture, not your reply
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:25, closed)

hahahahaha
that's an argument winner :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:18, closed)

Hard to improve on this.

( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:20, closed)

Fucking...
Brilliant....lols all round at this ^
(don5nake, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:22, closed)

I think we just completed The Internet Game.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:20, closed)

I don't see why you enjoy making other people's lives a missory, or why you consisder the holy-grail of your 'work' making an actual human being commit suicide.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M DOING HERE? DO YOU ? OH MAN.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:28, closed)

You know what Gonzo, if you put your mind to it, I reckon you could be the greatest troll that ever lived.

( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:31, closed)

Why thank you.... wait a minute, hold up a second here, I see what you've done.... why would I want to go around the internet making people feel as low as I could possibly make them feel? What would I gain by creating bad blood between me and someone I've
not even meet before?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:49, closed)

You've pre-supposed that the aim of trolling is to upset people.
It needn't be that.
( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:50, closed)

I think it's fair to say that is a major objective, or at least "winding up people" if not 'upset'.
Granted, in this case, this subthread, it's more of some sort of interlectual tug of war, so that's not always the case... but maybe the lines have been merged to much between 'debate' and 'trolling' ?

Incidently, I'm reminded of a website idea I had when I first left school called "NetFued", I didn't have the technical capacity to fill it out at the time, but the idea was someone could set up a "debate" with rules (# replies, yes/no personal insults, links to sources for information, # time to reply...etc). And then, once the 'debate' of some kind happened, the public get to vote on 'who won'.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:56, closed)

No no no no no no no.
Picking a fight with somebody on the internet is about as hard as picking your own nose. Trolling is (or at least was) a far more subtle art of manipulating people's responses. It's better judged by smallest input for maximum output, rather than how FURIOUS you can make somebody. Thick people become FURIOUS at the drop of a hat. Real trolling is sowing a tiny seed that turns into a giant tree of chain-reactions.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:32, closed)

Although I think you're all right, it sounds a bit to poncy "I AM THE BLOKE FROM INCEPTION" to me.
Think more matrix than inception, should come effortlessly.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:41, closed)

Anybody who thinks there is anything deep or complex in either of those films is an utter moron.
A statement that is both true and would make a crude but effective troll.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:04, closed)

Missory?
OMFG!! You r such a retard!! Get back to school and learn English!!!!!!
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:32, closed)

Rule 3. Be polite.

( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:35, closed)

I was going for
The YouTube commentator method.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:47, closed)

U SUK GAYFAG

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:38, closed)

Not bad
but you still have much to learn
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:41, closed)

Rank Amateurs, the lot of you

( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:45, closed)

I'm here to learn.
I'd appreciate any tips you have.
( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:49, closed)

You forgot:
Have sex with your sister, get onto the sex offender's register, and go mental
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:48, closed)

I don't think the tragedy of Bert can really be properly described as an exercise in trolling.

( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:49, closed)

I dunno.
He created multiple accounts and posted streams of abusive, angry stuff. If that's not trolling I don't know what is.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:54, closed)

If THAT fails, send people pictures of your bumhole and pay their mortgage.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:55, closed)

If I send someone pictures of my bumhole
would I get my mortgage paid?







Jokes on them though...I don't have a mortgage.
(Bababoon, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:58, closed)

Classic B3ta!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:36, closed)

I just don't know whats real and whats troll anymore
(Bababoon, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:47, closed)

Welcome to b3ta

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:03, closed)

True, that.
Fortunately I have yet to reach the levels of bumhole-picture-sending and mortgage-paying. I hopefully never will...

Well, I'm paying my own mortgage, actually. But no-one else's. And definitely no bumhole pictures.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:03, closed)

That isn't trolling.
So presumably when you say "I don't know what is" what you actually mean is "I don't know what trolling is".
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:29, closed)

Oh well
I stand corrected.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:46, closed)

Wow you must be the best troll ever.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:55, closed)

That's sweet of you to say so.
I think JMG is the best troll on b3ta.
( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:11, closed)

^

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:23, closed)

I think my proudest moment in trolling came in the 'Creepy' QOTW with Albert 'NIGHT STALKER' Marshmallow
I linked this and he responded by doing this, which is in no way stalky and creepy.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:45, closed)

Holy shit.
Yeah B3ta can be a bit of a scary place - I had someone trawl my Flickr a/c to do mash-ups to insult me. Very weird, and a little disturbing.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:48, closed)

I just love the first two replies
by you and Devil in Tights (to his post in the screenshot, I mean), which just sum up the entire debacle perfectly.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:57, closed)

What I really don't get is that there's genuinely silly/embarrassing pictures of me out there.
So I don't really get why he used THAT, when he could have used my 'cthulu porn' image, say.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:59, closed)

Because whilst he's adept at being creepy
he's pretty much lacking in all other departments (to hazard a guess).

Also: Cthulu porn? What the...? Why?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:06, closed)

When you're blessed with seven long but flaccid penises, that's the only kind of porn you can make.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:10, closed)

hahaha

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:18, closed)

I'll regret linking this.
b3ta.com/board/6902345
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:10, closed)

Not as much
as I regret clicking on it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:16, closed)

I might wait until I'm not at work
to click on that...
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:18, closed)

HAWT

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:23, closed)

Hahahahaha!!!
*saves for later*
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 20 May 2011, 17:02, closed)

Hahaha
some classic trolling there
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:07, closed)

That was a good one.
I was particularly proud of
'THE COCK OF IGNORANCE'
That Richard Earl of Cambridge day was brilliant.
( WormuIus, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:54, closed)

haha oh fuck I'd forgotten about some of these


Click for bigger (8 kb)



(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:59, closed)

Get a photo of them and draw a massive cock on their face..
Totally childish, yet completely brilliant!..
*click*
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Fri 20 May 2011, 19:40, closed)