» Rubbish Towns

Possibly Edmonton
There was a pub called the Golden Fleece in the 80's where I overheard this conversation:
"Seen John lately?"
"He's down Wandsworth."
"Working?"
"Nah, Doing bird."
"How about Freddy?"
"Parkhuurst."
"Working?"
"Nah, doing bird."
A short silence.
"What about Harry?"
"Brixton."
"Doing bird?"
"Nah, he's got a job down there".
(Sun 1st Nov 2009, 19:59, More)

» Bodge Jobs

A number spring to mind...
A Honda 125 with a holed piston? Drill it out, fit a nut & bolt with a bit of loctite, file the bolt head round, and voila!

Exhaust on a Marina fell in half? Cut open a handy beer can and fix it in place with some spare electrical wire (from the reversing lights, I think). The insulation melts on to the exhaust pipe for added security.

Trying to fit a Honda 50 engine in a Honda 90 Sport frame? (Only 1 mounting bolt fits, at the back) An old windscreen rubber stretched from one foot peg, over the tank to the other foot peg work a treat!

Hole in your Marina petrol tank (after running over some random scrap from the back of a pikeymobile)? While your mate puts his finger in the hole, get a small branch from a tree, whittle it into a point and bang it in with half a brick!

Fuse in your rover keeps blowing? Cut an inch long piece of 6" nail and bung that in! (Don't try this at home; it melted the wiring loom and started a fire in the engine bay)

Not got a light for your rolly? Dip a torn off bit of shirt into the petrol tank, remove a plug cap and using an insulated screwdriver, make the spark go to earth through the rag and, voila! Fire!!

I've got loads of them: Gaffer tape makes good butterfly stiches, a few cheap plumbing fitting can replace a £40 Saab hose (£40!!), Cornflakes boxes make excellent gaskets..
(Fri 11th Mar 2011, 17:18, More)

» I Quit!

And another thing...
Another job (I stopped counting at 30 jobs, and that was 20 years ago), was delivering [censored] for a company in [censored]. They treated the drivers like shit; expecting them to break Driver's Hours Regs every day. We were all told it was "Job and Finish", but were given so many drops that a 12 hour day was normal. With no overtime.
I once delivered a box of [censored] to a hospital at 07:00. Due to the workload and the fact that the stores bods didn't start until 08:00, I had to leave it on the doorstep without a signature. They denied recieving it and the cost was deducted from my meagre wages.

At the time, my sister was going out with a career criminal, burglary a speciality, and I may have mentioned that we collected lots of cash from customers. I may also have mentioned the exact location of the safe, and how it could be accessed.
But I was still convincingly surprised when I arrived back at the depot to find that they had been robbed during the night. The safe had been carried out by four people (I imagine) and opened in someone's backyard with a petrol-engined disk cutter (probably).
I hope that someone got a substantial bonus for their 'help' in the subsequent investigations into this dastardly crime.
(Thu 22nd May 2008, 21:26, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

Constant Annual Disappointment
Along with about 2% of you, my birthday is very near christmas.

The 2%ers know what's coming next...
"Instead of two presents, we just got you one BIG present"

No, you didn't, you tight bastard. You just got one average present and conned me out of my rightful inheritance, or whatever.

If I'd been born in June, I'd have had at least 200 more presents than I have had.

To all potential parents: don't shag at easter, unless all your relatives are loaded. It will lead to a lifetime of disappointment and early-onset scepticism.

And all you "One BIG present" arseholes; go fuck yourself, you're not fooling anyone.
(Fri 27th Jun 2008, 22:42, More)

» I Quit!

That'll teach him.
Many years ago, I worked for a company delivering bales of hay by HGV. An average load was maybe 150 bales stacked upto 10ft high on a flatbed truck.
Obviously they needed securing, so we had rope, lots of rope, to tie the load down.
It was a lot of work for very little money, so after a couple of months I decided to jack it in.
I went to the owner (we called him 'Boss Hog'; an odious little fat man who plonked himself down in a big leather chair at the start of the day and stayed there until he went home).
I told him of my intention to leave and apologised, and he said "That's OK, I was going to sack you at the end of the month".

A month or so later, a friend bought his own truck to do general haulage and needed some rope.
"Don't worry", I told him, "I know where I can get some".
I sneaked into Boss Hog's yard late one night and took all the ropes from all six trucks, uproping any loaded trucks where necessary.
It took three trips to get it all back to my car.
My friend only needed 100ft of rope, but ended up with more than he ever dreamed of.
Unfortunately, I have no idea what chaos ensued at Boss Hog's Hay and Straw the next day, but I like to think it moved him from his chair, if only for a short while.

Length? Probably about a mile.
(Thu 22nd May 2008, 20:33, More)