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» School Trips

Quantum leap stylee
We went to some lame ass leasure centre, an they offered everyone a choice for the afternoon, either play squash, or play pool (!). I went squash, while all of my then mates played pool and called me a gay. We later heard a massive riot took place in the pool room, cues broke over backs, lights and windows smashed, pool tables danced on and felt torn off to make makeshift whips. All the main offenders (my little scrote friends) went into a spiral of punishment/retaliation, which resulted in them being drug dealing smack heads. I feel squash saved my life, as I would have undoubtably been the ring leader if I was there. Thank you ziggy.

It's long, but I'll love it regardless.
(Sun 10th Dec 2006, 14:13, More)

» Accidental innuendo

I was railroaded I tells ya!
About 10 years back, first month of college, me, an old friend and our new college pal were discussing women. Rachel Leigh Cook cropped up, and a mate said 'She's one of my favourite girls at the moment.' Agreement all round, shortly followed by the statement 'She's very little though.' Me, being a gormless ass with a penchant for the shorter lady instantly fire off the now classic 'Well I quite like little girls.'

Ten years, and it still gets brought up. Bastards.
(Mon 16th Jun 2008, 13:21, More)

» Evil Pranks

Where to begin?
Not limited to me, but some choice memories are...

•Filled a cider bottle with pond water and gave it to a smart-arse girl that hung around with us. She thought it was 'piss weak, I can take this shit all day', then acted pissed after finishing the whole litre bottle. Greedy cow.

•Lived in a flat with shitty pipes, and a mate of mine filled my drinking-water bottle with vodka. Fucker.

•Encouraged this right donkey to crack onto one of my mates one night. And this chick had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. We called her 'old-man-face'. She proceeded to hound him like stink on shit for the rest of the night. He still shudders when we mention her.

•Put a girls name on my number in a workmates phone and sent him filthy texts while he was out with the missus. She was a right nutcase too, and monitored all his messages and stuff.

•After a big booze night, we started tidying the flat up and a mate decided to throw an apple in the air an smash it with a broken bit of broom shank. Sprayed apple all over an entire wall. Then he went home.

And coming soon...
•I just bought a lifesize skeleton off eBay, and I'm gonna stick it in bed for when the missus gets back from Germany. I'll still be up north then, but I reckon I'll hear her scream.

And all the usual shaving foam, stuff left in beds, sleeping mates hands put in water, dead things thrown through windows, room trashing, work stuff glued to desks, pants pulled down in public shit most dick-headed friends do to each other.
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 21:34, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

Fish shop shenanigans
I worked in a fish shop/kebab shop/pizza shop as a delivery guy a few years back, to fund my uni drinking habit. The guy who owned it, and did all the fish and chip frying was a right tight arse. At the end of the night, if there was any battered stuff left in the lightbox heater thing, he would peel the batter off, and keep the thing inside to re-batter an fry the next night! Saw the mucky beggar batter and fry the same jumbo sausage for 4 nights running at one point! Was as black as pitch inside.
Also, when one of the local gangsters put his trooper through the side of the shop while full of coke, ripping the pizza oven off the wall, while talking to the cops the owner made his wife keep serving fish shop stuff. Money grabbing get that he was.
I know it's long. You can afford the time though, you are here after all.
(Wed 26th Jul 2006, 8:47, More)

» Blood

Not mine...
I worked in a factory that prepared microwave meals before becoming the hunched, pixel obsessed designer that hobbles before you today. One terrible shift I had to 'prep the cook bags'.

Fair enough, never heard of it before, but I'll do it.

Turns out I had to shovel sliced liver out of a wheelie bin sized container into bags to heat-seal them ready for the ovens. Lots of liver. In a bathtub full of blood. Sometimes my shoveling hand got sucked in due to the vacuum and I had to slide it out without losing my glove. This involved twisting my arm round and letting blood run down into the glove. And if blood got onto the heat-sealing heads it burnt, adding to the heady stench of death already around me.

Come the end of the day I was covered in blood, from my tits to my testes. And let me tell you, blood fucking stinks. Left the next day, but I'll never forget the smell.
(Thu 7th Aug 2008, 18:44, More)
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