b3ta.com user ralphseviltwin
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I'm Ralph, I can't be doing with photoshop and being clever, but you lot seem to be pretty good at it, so I'll just enjoy your skills from afar. Keep up the good work.

I like reaping maximum benefits for minimum effort, giggling aimlessly, talking rubbish, fancy dress parties, looking pleased with myself and insulting people that can't hear me.

feel free to send me random mails. [email protected]

Love and hugs


Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Presents

I like being a rubbish uncle
My niece told me she wanted a Wii for christmas.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when she realises I've given her a jam jar full of piss.
(Thu 26th Nov 2009, 16:49, More)

» Secret Santa

OOoh... Aaaahhh....
My Gran is hard of hearing.

Last christmas my uncle bought her a pair of "Sexy Slippers" that made sex noises when you walk. They looked normal, so my Gran was slightly confused why people kept laughing whenever she walked around or entered a room.

"Isn't everyone having a jolly christmas!?"
"Er... yeah Gran it's pfffffft... great."
(Fri 15th Dec 2006, 12:32, More)

» Secret Santa

My ex flatmate...
Someone decided my flatmate would receive a fake vagina as his present, but due to the secret santa price limit they had diffuculty finding a suitable one.

They improvised.

He received a melon (with a hole cut in it, above which a picture of a lady from a porn mag with her legs akimbo had been glued). It had a big ribbon and bow round it and ooh la la Melony painted on the back in tippex.

Melony died a tragic, lonely death in the upstairs toilet sink. By the time we decided to give her a proper burial she was nothing more than a mouldy melonskin full of rotting mush and fruit flies. She smelt so bad it made flatmate puke even though he was wearing a teatowel covered in vicks over his face.

She's reputed to have died a virgin, but I question my flatmates honesty on this matter.

RIP Melony
(Fri 15th Dec 2006, 13:33, More)

» Guilty Laughs

babies in party hats
It's the bit when they pull the elastic out from under their chin to see what it is. Then let go. The look of shock followed by the crying gets me every time.
(Sun 25th Jul 2010, 16:32, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

I used to want to be a DJ (sorry).
I went through a phase of leaving a box of records in the boot of my car on the chance of a party.

Some mates and I went out clubbing as usual and got wind of a massive house party. When we turned up it was manic, the old turn of the century house was packed full of everyone from town that wanted to party past 2am. You could hardly move in the place it was so busy.

I mananged to get a slot, had quite good fun playing records and afterwards retired to the kitchen where the intoxicants of the previous couple of hours really began to kick in. I pulled a major whitey and knew puking was iminent. Due to the density of people, the toilet was out of the question. So I started to puke out of the window.

Which was directly above the front door to the house.

Needless to say I wasn't popular.

I carried on being very pale, sweating, feeling sick and generally not to well for a couple of hours when a guy came up to me:
"you were Djing earlier"
"Uhh... yeah"
"you've got to do some more"
"No chance mate, look at me, I'm on a big fat whitey, I even puked on some people out the window"
"You think that's bad, I've got to go to work in an hour, I'm a postman"

So back I went to the decks, covered in vom, shaking, white as a sheet, sweating like a rapist and played some more records.

I knew it was time to leave when I saw a girl with a big puke stain running from her shoulder to her waist point at me and say something to her big bastard boyfriend. He started making his way towards me with an "I'm going to sort you out" look in his eye. I made as if I was going to get a record out my box, but instead packed up (leaving a record playing) and cralwed out of the room pushing my record box in front of me. I legged it from the house in such haste I slipped on my puke and banged my coccyx on the way out.

The pain made me puke some more.

I run away from confrontation
I can't handle my drugs
Pain makes me puke

Very rock and roll, me.
(Fri 30th Jun 2006, 13:41, More)
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