b3ta.com user CantSleepClownsWillGetMe
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» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Telephones and cable ties..
Its *incredibly* childish, but imense fun can be had from using a small piece of wire, cable tie, twisty, whatever.. to tie the cable at the very base of a telephone handset to the other end of the cable where it joins the base unit.

Then, you sit at the other side of the room and call the victim. And then piss yourself as they smack themselves on the head with the telephone.

Its even funnier if you do this to the same person, on the same day of every month.
(Mon 21st Sep 2009, 20:15, More)

» Greed

Grave digging
In High Wycombe. With a mad Polish dope fiend. Spending hours down a fucking big hole, flint and chalk and soil slowly filling your arse crack, and hearing the gentle sobs of grieving relatives on and off during the day.

Worst experience: Digging part two of a "double"..ie, MrBloke had cashed in his chips, and a few years later, Mrs Bloke does the same...both to be buried in the same grave. Only the lazy fuckers that did the first one didnt go deep enough. So when we were digging the hole again for the Mrs, my foot went through rotting wood......

I levitated out of said 7ft deep hole and never went back.
(Fri 15th Apr 2011, 17:56, More)

» Mistaken Identity

I am (apparently) the spitting image of a notorius local car thief. I only realised this after being pulled for like the 30th time, and once identity confirmed, being waved on my jolly way with nary a producer...

Mentioned this to my sister who happens to be a local legal secretary, and she says "Oh, thats coz you look like Bumface McFuckwank", who apparently steals upwards of ten motors a week.

(Mon 4th Jun 2007, 16:54, More)

» Pet Stories

Things my dog has done...
We have a 10 month old Cocker Spaniel called max. He is incredibly sweet of nature, but has some serious wiring issues in the brain department..

OK, so here goes:

1) He got his nuts chopped off in order to stop him shagging everything in sight. I dropped him off at the vet, and Mrs Cantsleep picked him up the next day, looking very sorry for himself. First thing he does when I come home from work? Jump up and bite me in the crutch. Never done before, or since.

2)He has an OCD complaint when it comes to telephones.. Whenever a mobile phone rings (no matter what the ringtone) he goes mental and tries to dig his way through the hall carpet, to the place that all phones live, under the floor.This applies to the landline, as well as anything else that goes beep, like the oven timer. They all live under there.

3)He is a cleptomaniac. Shoes, telephones, remote controls (his fave)... all will be stealthily stolen and removed to the garden. If he wants to play, he will repeatedly return to where you are, and let you know he has said item getting wet in his mouth. Then he does a runner. If youre unlucky, he will just fuck off and bury it. I have retreived phones on several ocassions by calling them and walking round the garden until I can hear them ringing under the ground. This has the potential to get expensive.

4) His passion to destroy all ringing things extends to chewing through all the cables for the telpephones throughout the house. But *only* the telephone cable. How the hell he manages to distinguish it amongst the rats nest of cables under the desk and behind the TV is anyones guess, but he does. Its not even coinicdence. Hes done this 6 times now.

5) He sits on your head a lot. This was cute when he was a little puppy. He now weighs about 15 Kilos, and now it just makes it difficult to breathe.

6) He thinks he is a cat of an evening. He will grab his latest fluffy toy, the lie on his back with said toy between his front paws, and make like a kitten with a ball of string.

7) he has frog legs. He regularly lays with both rear legs spread completely flat on the floor, and looks like a squashed frog.

But I love him dearly...and so do the mobile phone campany, as I keep having to buy new handsets.

As for length, its passed a couple of minutes when you should be working, so be grateful.
(Mon 11th Jun 2007, 12:52, More)

» Asking people out

Im shit with women...until I discovered the secret formula:

1: Get them a *little* bit pissed.

2: Take them to a comedy evening. A good one.

As long as shes been laughing like a drain at said evening, youre in. simple as that.

Has worked *every* time
(Sun 13th Dec 2009, 17:17, More)
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