» Fire!

Why do all dressing gowns say "keep away from fire".............?
Let me set the scene.......It was your typical sunday morning sitting round the family breakfast table eating coco pops. I was about 14 and my friend katie had stayed the night. My younger brother aged about nine decided to light some candles on the table that where remnents of the romantic night my dad had had with his girlfriend the night before.

Anyway.....Dad leant over the candle whilst reaching for some milk and WHOOOOOOSH! All of a sudden his whole dressing gown was on fire, like a stuntman from a die hard movie. He was screaming like a girl interspersed with shouts of Jesus Fucking Christ. He tore his flame ridden gown off threw it on the floor and began stamping on it with great vigour. He was naked. Totally naked.

I watched this - doing nothing - with my mouth wide open. My friend katie was oblivious and was just munching her cereal until i exclaim "Oh my god dad you are SOOOOOOOOO embarassing". Katie looks up just before my dad manages to cup his privates. Needless to say by monday morning Katie had managed to tell the whole school she had seen my dad naked. mortifying.

Oh how we laugh about it now......
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 23:09, More)

» Toilets

"perks" of the job.......
I used to work as bouncer in some of Scotlands "finest" establishments. I have a million stories of finding girls lying in their own piss, shit and vomit at the bottom of toilet cubicles. But one story that occured in the ladies toilets of Edinburgh University Potterow student union springs to mind.........

I walked into the ladies and crouched on the floor to see who was taking a piss and who was "powdering their nose". I see a set of legs that are in the kneeling position. Poor girl i naively thought, she's hugging the bowl being sick. So i go into the next cubicle and stand on the toilet and peer over. Imagine my surprise to see a girl sucking on some guys dick as if her life depended on it. I cleared my throat, loudly, and was like "scuse me you cannae be daein that here". The girl looks up at me with surprise and fear in her eyes as the guy sprays baby gravy, man jam or whatever else you want to call it, all over her face........

As you can imagine i told the guys at work - it was hilarious. Six months later I met a guy who also worked for the same company. "What's your name he asked?", "white_castle" i replied. He then said "oh yeah you're the girl that got cum sprayed in her face....."

So there you go not only a hilarious story but also a warning to the consequences of chinese whispers.
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 20:41, More)