b3ta.com user scuttlefish
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Profile for scuttlefish:
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Has a cat on each mouse pad.
Thinks it's beer o'clock (because it is).

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Best answers to questions:

» Too much information

Scaring the neighbours
My father once said to my mother and sister, looking distinctly nervous, "There's Something sitting on top of the toilet cistern."

"Umm. Yes. It is a packet of tampax."

"Well, could you move it please?"

"OK, but why...?"

"It's next to the window. Someone outside could see it."

So the offending item was removed before the neighbours twigged to the shocking news that there were people in the house capable of menstruation.
(Tue 11th Sep 2007, 9:55, More)

» Sleepwalking

Fish fetishism
I once had a sleep conversation which went...

Scuttlefish (asleep): I want to inflate a puffer fish.

Ex: What?

Scuttlefish: (affronted): Yes there are. There are such things as puffer fish. They have spikes and they inflate when you scare them...

About halfway through this sentence I woke up with no idea why I was strenuously asserting the existence of puffer fish to a puzzled bedmate.
(Sat 25th Aug 2007, 9:56, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Corpse-building 101
I once decided to stage my own symbolic death and created a quite effective dead effigy of myself in the senior common-room complete with an arrow sticking out of the chest.
I had just finished my work when I realised that the nun who came round to check all the school windows and doors in the evening might be alarmed by finding a corpse in the semi-darkness. Not wanting to be responsible for causing stress to a nun, I made a blood-spattered sign for the door covered with smeared red handprints proclaiming "There is NO dead body in here."
Apart from me and the Window Nun, no one ever used the common room...it was a disused dining hall in a gloomy basement that even the school goths didn't much fancy. So this was Art in its truest, most pointless form.
(Sun 22nd Jul 2007, 1:10, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

Pretentious bollocks
I live on an island whose main product seems to be artists. Our local gallery ran an exhibition featuring a local artist whose paintings were mostly...well, just black. Though there were a couple of white ones. And a red one. The local paper's arts column had things to say about how very profound this was and how the viewer is drawn in by the reflectiveness of the surface and thus invited to reflect upon themselves (ie. "they're just plain black, but it's nice shiny gloss paint."). A friend made repeated visits to the gallery just to mock them. On his final visit he found a woman taking photos. "Gee, won't THAT be an interesting picture." he said and expounded at length. Of course, she turned out to be the artist.
(Thu 29th Sep 2005, 6:01, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Fashion accessories
I took to wearing a safety pin in my ear. There was nothing too exciting in that, though it amused me to keep count of how many times people would say "You have a safety pin in your ear".

One day in class or some similiarly quiet occasion the person sitting next to me leaned over and said in a stage whisper "Is that a pubic hair stuck in your safety pin?"

It was.

I was mildly embarrassed for at least 2.7 minutes.
(Sun 22nd Jul 2007, 9:31, More)
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