b3ta.com user Mr Eraserhead
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Recent front page messages:

om nom nom

(Fri 8th Oct 2010, 10:49, More)

stephen hendry's fridge

(Thu 5th Jun 2008, 9:47, More)

Student traffic cones

(Fri 15th Feb 2008, 13:54, More)

Good afternoon.

(Mon 22nd Oct 2007, 15:38, More)

Spiderman: defeated.

(Mon 21st May 2007, 10:14, More)

Henry VIII's "Wife-O-Matic"

(Wed 4th Apr 2007, 15:35, More)

Best answers to questions:

» "Needless to say, I had the last laugh"

Many years ago a friend and I were discussing the source of a foul odour that had permeated the classroom.
My friend sniffed and furrowed his brow... "Have you farted?"

"Whoever smelt it, dealt it." I answered, accusingly.

"Whoever did the rhyme did the crime." Said he, until I pointed out that that too rhymed and he had therefore unwittingly incriminated himself.

Needless to say, I had the last laugh because I had in fact shat my pants.
(Thu 3rd Feb 2011, 15:14, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Thanks to auto-complete...
...my Dad now knows that I like girls to wee on me.
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 11:22, More)

» Best Films Ever

If it bleeds, we can kill it.
I'm thankful to this particular QOTW for allowing me to express my unashamedly enthusiastic love for a film that I've been completely obsessed with since I saw it 15 years ago. Here's 8 reasons why I love Predator.

1) The alien.

Pretty obvious this but you just look at it! It's got dreadlocks for Christ's sake. Like some sort of future ragga overlord.

It also has stealth camoflague, huge retractable blades, in built first aid kid, infrared vision, a shoulder mounted plasma cannon and a mini nuclear self destruct system as standard. It even has an audio sampler!!! Most importantly though it has mandibles. Proper realistic looking, non-CGI mandibles that spread out when he does his shit-scary war-cry type thing. It is a beast, the sortof being you have proper nightmares about.

2) Arnie.

Looking at the Predator's impressive stats they could easily have built a decent film around the alien itself with the other actors being pretty much superflous. But instead we have Arnold Schwarzenegger. The very fact that a proper mentalist like Arnie only barely survives and ends up looking like dog-chewed rag doll just goes to show how double-hard the Predator is. Pure genius.

3) Old painless.

Best gun ever. There's a scene in the film which is basically this gun leveling an entire section of forest. This is both awesome and an environmentalist's nightmare.

4) The gore.

I was 6 when I first watched the telly-friendly cut version of Predator. I recorded it off the television and watched it so much that the tape wore out. For my 7th birthday my Mum bought me Predator 1 and 2 on video not realising they were uncut. When I first saw the skinned soldiers I pretty much shat myself and by the time Dillons arm had been blown off I was in pre-teen gore heaven. Obviously this looks abit tame these days but back then it was the coolest, sickest thing ever and way better than any proper horror films.

5) The one liners.

Every line in this whole film makes me grin. It is perfect. No wasted dialog, no pointless drama. Every word is uttered at first to make the commandos seem like the most incredible bunch of double-hard bastards and then to make the Predator seem twice as hard as them. Almost every sentence in the script could be used as a tagline and that's the way action cinema should work.

6) The gunfight.

Near the start of the film the commandos pretty much start (and finish) what could only be described as a small war. Buildings blow up, a helicopter blows up, men run around on fire, Arnie impales some guy against a wall, bad guys go flying over cliffs. It's basically the best thing ever.

7) The wide angle shot firework display.

If I was told I could only ever watch another minute of film before I had to die, this would be it. The most beautiful, awe-inspiring piece of cinema ever made. Mid way through Predator and Arnie's showdown, the Predator goes apeshit and stands on a log-bridge firing his plasma cannon all over the place inadvertently putting on the best firework display on earth. Everytime I watch this my jaw hits the floor even after all these years.

8) Everything else... the arm wrestle, the pussy jokes, the scorpion, Mac's psychological breakdown, Arnie's war-cry, the music... just everything.

So that's my well balanced critique of Predator. It's a shame that they ruined the franchise by combining it with the Alien in the modern shit-fests but the original film will always be untouchable as the ultimate action/scifi/horror film of all time ever.
(Thu 17th Jul 2008, 16:52, More)

» Worst Band Ever

Twee for Twats
I vote for Fredrika Stahl for somehow managing to epitomise the currently fashionable brand of advert-friendly twee bullshit folk with her stomach-churningly pathetic rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little fucking Star (as heard in the recent Nissan commercial), a song choice so embarrassingly precious that not even a decent singer could pull it off without sounding like a cringingly sentimental bell-end.

But a decent singer she is not. The “care free” style of singing that she is so self-consciously trying to pull off combines with the pained flailing of single syllables until she just sounds like a drunken 11 year old boy whose balls haven’t quite dropped. The result is nauseating in the extreme. Like gorging on an enormous My Little Pony birthday cake and 3 litres of Calpol.

Who buys this absolute guff? Presumably the same menstruating dullards that buy chunky faux mother of pearl jewelery from Dorothy Perkins, litter their IKEA coffee table with copies of Vogue and use a “deliciously quirky” cupcake fridge magnet to attach their yoga schedule to their Activia containing fridge. Safe, pseudo-emotive music for boring, emotionless cunts. I find it more irritating than the most manufactured of Cowell tripe simply for having ideas so far above its station.
(Tue 4th Jan 2011, 16:26, More)

» B3ta Person of the Year 2010

I vote for Elvis Weathercock.
He's one of the few b3tans still churning out the kind of silly, meaningless yet well done frame by frame photoshop gifs that I started coming to b3ta to look at 5 years ago.
(Thu 16th Dec 2010, 14:28, More)
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