b3ta.com user zenzeypher
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A self loathing moron, still have enough brain activitie to survive everyday life!

Are ferrets supposed to wear swasticas and steal your shoe laces?

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» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Getting it stuck!
Back in the days of discovering masturbation and wanking in the bath (Not done anymore due to the pube mess it seems to leave) I discovered my mum had bought some pound land shampoo and whilst washing I notived it had a wider than average neck.

When your younger you get the fascination of holding the bottle underwater so it glugs and fills up with water, then you squeeze it out.

You can see where this was going, I pushed all the water and stuck it on me ol' chappy and let go.

It got stuck, then boner hit it got wedged.

I couldnt get that fucker off for love nor money, after 30 minutes of prunie panic I decided I better ask mum for assistance.

I legged it into the front room in tears with a shampoo bottle wedged on my cock. It took what felt like hours to get off. What makes it worse is my cousin had stopped by for tea.

16 years on, Im still not allowed to forget it.
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 10:55, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

I think im pretty much condemned to hell.....!
Im attempting to think of the worse!

Probably the worst was a few years ago I became homeless and a good friend by the name of 'John' took me in, he was supposed to be a good christian fellow raised by good christian people, I never saw any evidence of this but the occassional preaching as are many christians (Not all) complete hypocrites.

Now when I say he took me in we shared a small room in a small shared house, we became good mates discussing things such as The Goonies, back to the future and drums as many a thing and growing 2 week old milk into some wierd half cream half water mix until it eventually popped.

So after a few months or so (Im more the punk variety and he's more the heavy metal) He announced we should go to a Rock festival by the name of "Soul Survivor" with his accurate description it was a religious rock festival, but rock none the less with a few christian bands (their are some gooduns about) so i thought fuck it! why not, a few weeks away surrounded in heavy drink, a few spliffs and good music, I trusted him all too arrange it.

So the big day comes, we pack our shit up and get going. The first suspicious thing I notice is everyone seems to be prepubescent which felt wrong in itself (Im 24 BTW) so we set up and decided to get some kip.

I was awoken a few hours later with "Adam were going to worship" your coming with!! They built a big fucking tent were people group together to talk about god.

"Nay" says I, I wanna wank and go back to sleep, so off i drifted. This happened again non stop for 3 days,

They musta loved Mass and worship more than I love Chocolate cake smeared on a hookers ass because it was atleast 8 times a day.

this along with with other monstrosities such as;

9 Oclock bed time,

Stay in your allocated zones for the duration of the evening.

No alcohol....Ever.

and no smoking!!! ANYWHERE!

And too top it off, theirs was only 2 fucking bands.

So this led to a sort of School yard rebeling, After 3 days I went abit insane.

Started breaking into the refreshment tent to steal cakes and pies....
(Always food first, sin second)

Scaled the bathrooms whilst hopped on Disco biscuits and gave an anti-semetic speech.

Stole various Gazebos from other camps to construct a giant super Gazebo.

Filled a strangers tent with various stray cats wondering around the site.

go chased 4 times by christian festival security.. (Who all looked like sex offenders)

Detained by being put in a fake Police Cell (Made of crates and road barriers) for two hours for staying up past 12am.

walked around all the time in nothing but white Y-FRONTS.

knocked off and stole securities bicycles..

and smuggled in absynth and accidently set fire to my arm.

Now it may sound like I was being a prick, but this is what happens when you are surrounded by 9 - 12 years olds 24/7 with a 9 oclock bedtime and fanatical christians WHO LIED TOO YOU, JUST SO THEY CAN "SAVE YOUR SOUL".

Ive probably inadvenrtantly mentally scarred a whole generation of christian children.

luckily I was removed before setting fire the the whole vicinity.

thats why I believe im set for hell.
(Thu 11th Dec 2008, 14:11, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

My wife...
I'm 25 and shes 20, we met when she was 17! I forget how old that makes me!

it didn't seam to bother anybody..not even her parents, not saying its a huge gap or anything, nor was I seeing her for the kicks of seeing a 17 year old gives (Lots of fuzzy felt, stacks of lego and crazily balanced hormones women have at this age)..

But someone could of said something! not even an angry mob...gutted.

strange thing is I met her in the middle of a field.
(Tue 9th Dec 2008, 19:48, More)