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Mean.
Spiteful.
Old.
Cunt.

With a big cock.

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» Wanking Disasters Part II

Big Brother? Big Aunty more like...
I stayed at my Aunties flat in London many years ago , back I was an 18-year-old wankaholic.

During my first day sight-seeing I wandered alone around Soho, trying like hell to hide my perma-erection whilst practically drooling at the ACTUAL hardcore XXX VHS videos - with real erections, real penetration, real cum-shots, real anal and real everything. Back home, there wasn't even a sex shop, so it was like heaven.

I repeated this for three days trying to pluck up the courage to actually buy something. I'd not wanked since I arrived and I felt like I could explode in my pants at any moment. Anyway, by now 'the lust' had taken over my mind - I walked in to a place, picked a video from the list and made off with my first porno. Woo!

Now, most guys will tell you what happens when you get infected with 'the lust'... it distracts you, it makes you complacent, it makes you not care about consequences... and all you can think about is getting off. Simples.

I had 'the lust' bad. That night, when my aunt and her bf went to bed, I waited about 30 seconds for them to fall asleep, stuck the video in the machine, turned down the sound and started watching. Within a couple of minutes I was wanking for all I was worth, a minute later I was spent.

The thing with 'the lust' is how quickly it dissipates after orgasm. Suddenly the whole house was silent except for my heavy breathing and the fake gasping from a slut being butt-fucked. I sheepishly wiped myself down with the world's loudest kleenex and went to sleep.

The next day, my aunt came downstiars, looked at me with disgust and just said "You better not have got spunk on my new couch..." Then turned and left for work. I stood there open-mouthed and speechless.

Her BF came down a bit later "Short film was it?" He said with a wink, nodding at the TV. Turns out they had some device that routed the VCR picture to their bedroom TV and they had seen exactly what I had been watching. She had been furious but didn't dare come downstairs and risk catching her favourite nephew wanking.
(Fri 18th Feb 2011, 14:46, More)

» Turning into your parents

*sigh*
I've finally hit that age where I have more cups of tea than I have wanks.
(Thu 30th Apr 2009, 14:10, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Y-front Kerplunk...
Years back when my kid bro was 3 or 4, he had the great idea of seeing just how many marbles he could fit in his pants. Dunno what the world record is but he easy got 20-30 in his duds.

Full of childish pride he decides to go and show our Mum, giggling like crazy as he waddles out the bedroom in just his pants, across the landing and down the first few stairs.

Now child law clearly states that the bottom four steps should never be used, so he does the kid thing and jumps them.

As he gracefully flies through the air, every single marble separates in his pants... only to be brought back together at great speed on landing.

Poor little buggers face went from joy to sheer agony as balls, scrote, dick and foreskin were nipped simultaneosly between the colorful glass orbs.

...looked like he'd been attacked by chicken according to me Mum.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 15:17, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

Airhole A-hole...
Barney was a decent, nice-but-dim sort of guy - but also stupidly gullible and stupidly... well... stupid.

One afternoon were talking about whales (as you do) and he seemed quite suspicious when I told him they weren't fish and they breathed air.

- "Ok then, so how to they breath underwater water?" He asked bluntly.
- "You know when they come up to the surface and squirt water in the air? Well that's them breathing out." I said, as uncondescending as I could.

He looked at me like I was an idiot, then started laughing in my face.
- "That's not breathing!" He laughed. "That's them FARTING. Their bums are on the top and they come up to fart! Didn't you even know that!?"
- "Um... I'm pretty sure they're breathing." I replied, slightly stunned by this new information.
- "Think about it..." He added slowly, so I'd understand, "... if they didn't come to the top when they farted, their arseholes would fill up with water and they'd sink."
(Mon 7th Mar 2011, 13:36, More)

» It's Not What It Looks Like!

Blacklisted by Jehovah's Witnesses
Several years ago I was 'working' from home as my car was in the garage. It's pretty rare that I get the house to myself so decided to screw work and spend the day sat at my PC in just my pants surfing the net and writing music with the volume set to 11 - I left msn on so my boss knew I was at home and was there if they needed anything.

A bit later I had a bath and was mid-way through a thorough 'cock-washing' session when I heard the chime of msn. Thinking it was work, I jumped out the bath, my erection slapping against my belly as I ran wet and naked down the hall to my 'office'.

It was one of those 'gotta see this' links from a mate. I was annoyed that he had interrupted my wank as I was still very much aroused, but clicked it anyway, and waited for it to buffer.

Suddenly, the doorbell went and my puppy, Ten, started barking like a bastard, going crazy and pissing all over the floor. There were no clothes in my office so I quickly grabbed a small hand towel that was on the radiator, wrapped it around as much of me as I could and opened the door enough to stick my head through whilst not revealing my semi-naked/erect state.

The second I opened the door, Ten started trying to get to the two prim and proper Jehovah's witness women on the other side, whilst biting fuck out of the leg and foot I was trying to 'restrain' him with. A well timed bite to the toes and he was free.

The two old birds stared open-mouthed as the horror unfolded in slow-motion in front of them: As I lunged out the door trying to grab the savage puppy intent on eating them, the tiny towel slid off me and fell to the floor unveiling my rapidly-deflating but still obviously semi-erect penis. At that exact moment the buffering video started playing, at volume 11, and my stammering apologies were promptly drowned out by the sound of an enthusiastic woman being double-fisted by German sadists.

They looked at me with utter disgust, as though I was the most godless creature on earth and promptly left whilst I covered my now-shrivelled genitals with a three month old whippet, almost in tears.

It certainly wasn't what it looked like, but on the plus-side I have never had another visit from them since then.

Apologies not just for length but also the glistening trail of pre-cum I left on your hand-bag.
(Wed 15th Dec 2010, 16:40, More)
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