b3ta.com user Redbull_(UK)
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I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

Hot tub hirer. Bringing joy in ways other than stupid online images

Recent front page messages:

Like A Virgil

(Wed 24th Jul 2019, 21:53, More)

Ronnie Barko

(Thu 12th Oct 2017, 13:08, More)

Need a cello and a motorbike ?
Try a Moto-Cello.

Click for full size.

Thanks for the FP !
(Fri 26th Mar 2004, 12:54, More)

The coins come up much better than notes

Click for bigger.
(Fri 5th Mar 2004, 18:32, More)

The Colossus of Pop

(Thu 1st Aug 2002, 9:10, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Best Graffiti Ever

On a poster in a maternity ward featuring a picture
of a newborn child was the advice "The first 2 minutes of life can be the most dangerous".

Some wag had added "the last 2 can be pretty dodgy too"
(Fri 4th May 2007, 14:38, More)

» Sleepwalking

not sure if this counts.
I was 13 at the time and desperately horny (of course). My very first girlfriend, who was a game girl, had suggested going skinny dipping in the canal at night. I duly set my alarm for 3am, crept out and walked down the lane to her house. Of course, she didn't wake up and I spent a fruitless 10 minutes throwing pebbles at her bedroom window, hoping not to wake her parents.

Disheartened, I started to walk home. Suddenly I saw car headlights approaching so I hid, and was shocked to see my Dad drive past. It suddenly occurred to me that I'd only hit snooze on my alarm. "SHIATTT!".

I started running, knowing he had to get to the end of the lane to turn around. It was hopeless. I'd never make it. Only one option.
Limp hands outstretched in front of me, I started the cartoon-zombie type walk of the sleep walker.

He fell for it. He pulled up and gently ushered me into the car, drove me home and gave me sweet tea til my ears bled.
I fessed up a few years ago.
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 12:33, More)

» School Days

We were standing in the playground in a group
just chatting and discussing who we'd like to finger. A quietish lad in our year (who'd always seemed a bit odd in retrospect) pipes up 'hey lads', and we look around.
'hey lads, you know when your mum comes in to your room in the morning...'
there's a couple of quizzical looks and a few nods.
'you know when she comes in, and checks your balls...'
no nods this time, more quizzical looks.
'yeah, you know, she checks your balls to see how they're developing'
quizzical looks turn to blank, staring looks.
Again, 'yeah, you know, she checks your balls to see how they're developing ?' but this time with hand-cupping/weighing action accompanying the question.
He stares back at the now horrified faces and you could almost see the split second where he realises that actually, this isn't very normal behaviour.
Ever-caring to our school friend's obviously abnormal upbringing, we spontaneously burst into laughter, prompting him to run crying from the group.

Good days.
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 13:33, More)

» Call Centres

When I started up my business from home, my colleague and I played a game
when call centres asked who to speak with, we'd tell them that the person they needed to speak to was Dom Fellini - my cat Domino (who sat curled on a chair with 'Operations Director' pinned to it). We would award points for ;
a) subsequent phone calls for Dom
b) letters addressed to Dom
c) callers insisting they've spoken with Dom previously.
(Fri 4th Sep 2009, 15:31, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

At school, we had a
new Maths teacher one day, and I'm attempting to point out to my friends at the back of the class what saggy tits she has. I've mouthed this a few times with the internationally recognised hand gesture for saggy tits. They don't have a clue what I'm going on about so I raise my voice above the general noise of the classroom a tad. At that instant, for a reason I shall never know the class goes silent, leaving me shouting "She's got saggy tits!" with her staring at me. Bugger.

This other one wasn't me. A friend took her daughter to the dentist, and was sitting in the silent waiting room. After a few minutes a black guy walks in and sits down. Daughter nudges mother and asks in a loud voice "Mummy, what's that monkey doing in here ?". Apparently, she swept her into her arms and rushed out.
(Wed 21st Apr 2004, 9:21, More)
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