» Teenage Parties

. . .
. . .there was the time when it was my mates 19th. . .we were all skiving college and on the dole. . .which is my excuse for drinking 'diamond white' (a cheep rip of of white lightning!) all day, loads of it.

(his parents were away as well) by about 4 people were leaving etc. . .we ran out of dirnks. Drunkenly thought the 24 hour tesco would sell us alcohol and so we set off after a warning from birthday boy not to do anythign stupid as he always gets the blame.

we walked down the lane in this quiet suburb. . .got tothe petrol station. . .

the one whos birthday it was, 'Tom' stopped to get some cash. He was the least drunk, but still on the wobbly walk. I was absolutely mashed, but in giggle mode and sat next to the cash point.

the station was closed and no lights/streetlights were on for quite a way. The two others we were with, 'firth' and 'bowers' were absolute fucking states. it was only a matter of time.

it started by ripping the pump nozzles out and knotting them to the next one and so on. . then the bins were kicked over and shit went all over the forecourt. laughing and joking all the way through like excited children. 'tom' wasstill getting cash and ordered them to stop and they did. . .for about 5 seconds. . . . out of the silence, 'firth' shouts 'i need charcoal' and booted the paddlock off the massive thick plastic crate (the type they keep cans of gas in at petrol stations) the door fell off and we were greeted by tumbling bags of charcoal.

walking back down the lane next to the field, things were forgotten and everyone was happily mashed again. . . (we forgot to go to tesco). ..

i woke up about 30 minutes later, i was lying on 'tom's front drive along with everyone else. 'firth' and 'bowers' were asleep, tom was sitting up at the end of the drive next to the hedge smoking a fag. he says 'Shit! cops are comming!' i sat up lightning quick and he said 'only joking' and i called him a nob and led back down thinking that the floor was actually supringly comfortable - the second my head was on the ground 'tom' said again 'Fucking cops are coming!' i went to sit up again and was met face to face with a police german sheppard growling and drooling.

the cop with him was alone and he suggested i stayed flat and my back and not to move whilst he got on his radio for backup - he was whispering because 'firth' and 'bowers' were asleep still. . . another dog cop with dog turned up.

now 'toms' shitting it. the front door of the house was wide open. all sorts of incriminating evidence from the party was scattered all over the place and we jsut remembered. within about 2 minutes there were 2 meat wagons and a 2 cars. about 7 coppers were on toms street, lights flashing etc and they took our details.

firth and bowers are still asleep. cue angry middle aged bald copper sgt. walks up to firth and kicks him in his side. . .firth doesnt budge. . .he kicks him a bit harder. . he starts to come round and the copper is like 'get up you drunken idiot' firth was still pissed as a fart and was half asleep. . . he didnt know who it was and started mouthing off 'who the fuck are you', 'your mums . . .' etc whislt curling up slowly on the floor like a dying slothe. . .the copper starts repeatedly kicking, (gently on to wake him up and get his attention - but that made it really comedey to watch) firth in his head. . .the copper was getting more and more wound up and firth jsut kept on winding him up - this copper was now brimming and picked up firth by his shirt of the ground and practically launched him into the wagon :p. bowers was already in there. . .and then tom and then me.

backs of meatwagons are funny :p all in this little cage with no escape - the destination? somewhere where your going to sleep on concrete in a shitty cell with a rubber pillow and then wake up and get a bollocking for such a stupid crime. it wouldnt of been funny if i had been sober. heh i remember the feelign of complete despair at the forced surrender.

firths the first to the custody desk. wpc takes his items, and then promptly passes out - cops in the room didnt see what happened, heard her hit the ground and rugby takled firth :p. . .now firth pipes up again and im sitting there wondering how the fuck we got to this point

the cell was cold, shit stains on the floor etc, predictable rubber pillow. i could here firth and bowers shouting all night.

in the morning we are given our shit and let go. . .tom was the most sober and the sgt said if he admitted doing the damage everyone would be let off. he got a caution. firth pissed in his cell and refused to clean it up - 60 quid fine.

it was sunday, no busses. police station about 6 miles away from home. the cops laughed in our faces when asked for a lift. hungover and feeling like i was going to die, the hot bright sun was awful. jsut as we were going down the stairs, a jubilant looking sgt (face kicker) opened the door of the station and shouted 'boys! do you know how we found you?'. . .'you know that bag of charcoal you nicked?. . . .it had a hole in it'

'dickheads'
(Sat 15th Apr 2006, 16:39, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Whats hot, black and sits at the top of the stairs smoking. . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . .
. . . .
. . .
. .
.

Stephen Hawkins in a house fire.
(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 18:08, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

people have no idea
used to do IT support for a large organisation meant to have the most intelligent people in the country working there. these are a small selection of the 'IT Problems' they would have.

* one particular office's cd roms were refusing to work at a rate of about 1 per week for about a month. went down early one day and noticed the entire office were using the open cd trays as cup holders for cantine coffee cups.

* 'my monitor isnt showing any picture' after making the users assure me the machines were powered on, i would visit and turn the machine on. funny a few times, after the millionth time, and having to walk 30 minutes across london carrying a backup machine - not so.

* someone was moaning about emails not getting through, had to explain that you couldnt jsut type peoples names in the 'To:' field, when they had nothing to do with the organisation and were 'friends from school' (decades previous) who they wondered were on email or not. . .

* loads more, falling asleep.
(Tue 26th Sep 2006, 0:21, More)