» Personal Ads

Fom a fat chick......
Well, thanks guys - you have just ruined my morning. I was unaware until now that as a bubbly/cuddly/curvacious etc lady I am apparently considered a pariah on b3ta. I can obviously never use personal ads or internet dating nor even leave the house without wearing a full hijab for fear of affending you poor delicate souls :(
Anyhow, I'm guessing you guys are not always telling the whole truth.......
Good looking (in a dark room, or in your head)
Average looking (bag of spanners)
Big car (small cock)
Own hair (nostrils, ears)
Fancy free (lives with parents)
Looking for fun (married)
Need I continue?
(Fri 14th Sep 2007, 9:02, More)

» DIY Techno-hacks

By the skin of my teeth
Many years ago I had a gig right round the west side of the M25, so I stayed with my folks who live on the east side of that thoroughfare.

Driving home late at night I had to stop for petrol. The petrol cap was one that you had to open with the ignition key, which on this occaision decided to snap off in the lock. I had no spare.

Managed to pull the broken bit out and am there at a petrol station in the the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere wondering how the hell I am going to get home. The guy behind the counter and passing customers all tried to think of something, but to no avail,

Finally, in desperation, I selotaped the two halves of the key together and turned it - it worked!
I got all the way home with my selotaped key.

God knows what would have happened if I'd stalled.
(Wed 26th Aug 2009, 10:03, More)

» Stalked

Blind stalking
My friend Catwoman & I were sitting in a curry house in Sheffield one Saturday when who should we see standing just outside the window but a certain well-known blind labour MP. Next Saturday we were at the greyhound races when who should we espy standing next to us? The very same (rhymes with junket).
We do wonder why we only get stalked by men who can't actually see us.
(Fri 1st Feb 2008, 9:33, More)

» Pet Stories

Clever kitties
Many moons ago I lived in a huge, unheatable flat. It got so cold I put my tent up in the living room to sleep in. I had recently got two ickle kitties so had to keep the door shut, know what havoc claws could wreak with said tent. The kitties (Blott & Biggles) were in the habit of sleeping curled up together in an upturned hat on the kitchen table, so I wasn't being cruel shutting them out.

They, however, had other ideas and each morning I would wake up with two furry purr-monsters inside my sleeping bag. Somehow they had managed to open the door and get inside the zipped-up tent and into my sleeping bag.
This happened three times, so I just stopped trying to keep them out.

This flat was on a very busy road above a shop which had an iron fire escape to get to it.
Somehow Blott & Biggles, when a little older, kept bringing in frogs. I would find them all over, including a big fat one just sitting happily in the cats' water bowl. One evening I noticed a brown shiny lump on the living room carpet and thought a cat had crapped there - until it jumped!
The frogs weren't all so lucky, though. When I moved out I found a selection of flattened & mummified frogs under the rug.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 12:48, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

At the age of eighteen.....
...I was determined to lose my virginity to a particular man (a morris dancer, ohmigod!) and embarked on a long journey into deepest Kent where he was having a party. The journey involved at least two trains and was too far away to consider going home.

Trouble was, I had just been run over by a bus and had my leg in a plaster cast. It didn't get in the way though - I got my evil way!

Was it worth it?
It was rubbish. Got better with practice though.
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 15:18, More)