» Evil Pranks

Both Parents pranked by child
Last Sunday I lay on the sofa after a particularly fine Roast Dinner. My beautiful, blonde, butter wouldn't melt, academic genius, 9 year old daughter lay with me as we watched a 'family' film before the American Football started. Narnia or something.....
My wife was on the other sofa.
I was in that very pleasant dozy state between waking and sleep, feeling all 'family' and bonded and all that stuff.
I then notice the child started to wriggle about a bit. I thought she was just trying to get comfortable. I half opened one eye, a split second too late, as it turned out. The next thing I feel is her hand wiping across my mouth. Almost instantaneously, I notice the smell of bum.
The little sod had 'Dirty Sanchezed' me!!!
As I screamed out what she had done and shot off the sofa, hearing her maniacal laugh, I look to my wife for support, just in time to see twin jets of PG Tips shooting out of her nose, as she realised what the little bugger had done to me.
Cue a race up the stairs to the bathroom to clean up first, the sound of raucous evil laughter chasing behind us.
As I used wire wool and Dettol to clean my face I was torn between a sense of abject horror and immense pride at her two-parent prank.
I then spent the next ten minutes chasing her round the living room as she chanted 'Daddy got poo-fingered!!!'
Needless to say, she has been told never to do that to Daddy again or next time the hamster will ride the U-bend without the appropriate diving equipment.

Length? The same as a 9 year old's index finger.
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 9:19, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Bunch of Mentalists!!
Aah, the benefits of a Grammar School education!

1) The Latin Teacher 'PopEye', on the first day of secondary school, in the first Latin lesson, screamed at a girl for talking while he was. She wet herself, literally.....before we had even sat down. Then he totally ignored the fact she was sopping wet and snivelling, and conducted the lesson with all 30 of us fearing for our lives.

2) The Geography teacher who would sit on her desk in front of us providing us with constant 'Basic Instinct' leg crossing-uncrossing action, even down to not having underwear on. Would have been better if her front bottom hadn't looked like she had half a bear hanging out of it.

3) Metalwork / Woodwork teacher. 'Now don't mix the blue powder with the white powder, it will ruin them, and they are expensive.............RIGHT!!!! WHICH ONE OF YOU LITTLE W**KERS MIXED THE F***KING POWDERS???? YOU USELESS, BRAINLESS, C**TS!!!!'
This man also oversaw my Maths 'O' Level. It is his fault I failed. I couldn't concentrate through laughing, having had him scream from the front of the hall 'IF I HEAR ONE MORE F**CKING FART, I WILL FAIL YOU ALL!!!' five minutes into the exam. Well, we didn't all fail, probably half.

4) Ahhh, the PE teacher. Ex Irish National Rugby player. Slightly tapped, phenomenally sadistic, but then, aren't they all? 'You don't wash it like that...give it here....'
Also taught Biology. Asked which is the only part of the human body that has no pain receptors....a small lad volunteered the answer of 'Earlobes'. This was proved incorrect by him walking up to the small lad and gouging his earlobe with his thumbnail until he drew blood.

Apologies for the state of our education system.....
(Fri 11th Nov 2005, 10:03, More)

» Why I was late

Pigeons + Japanese Bosses
The number of times I've had my good suit shat on by pigeons as I leave the house is soul destroying, as well as expensive. But the time I got pigeon guano in my eye was worth a couple of days of due to swelling, watering etc. Still didn't stop me playing on my Xbox though!!

Years ago, I worked for a Japanese bank in the fair city of London. Chalk-stripe suit, the whole sexy shebang. On ONE day I arrived 20 minutes late as opposed to the HOUR early I usually arrived every day. I was called to the head of the desk (We sat in two rows of three, facing each other,with a Japanese Manager at the head of each desk)to explain why I was late.

'I'm sorry, but my train was cancelled this morning and the next one was full'

'Which train? From which station? At what time?'

'The 7.09 from xxxxx to Charing Cross'

'You may be seated'

An hour later, I was 'exonerated' as the bugger had called British Rail (Pre-Internet) to check to see if my train had indeed been cancelled!!!

What a total, shorter than average Twunt!!!

It was only made up by the fact that when I enter the Gentleman's urinal later on, I was faced withe the same twunt standing at the urinal relieving himself with his trousers AND PANTS round his ankles!!!!

Laugh??? I nearly shit a kidney!!

And then I resigned the following morning!

Bunch of mentarists!!!
(Thu 28th Jun 2007, 14:21, More)

» Misunderstood

That'll teach me to be a smartarse!
I walked in half way through a conversation between my old boss and my team, and heard him say...'And then he made this groaning noise', to which, thinking he was telling a joke, I loudly volunteered 'Norm! Did he go 'Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgghhhhhhhhh!!!!!''.
Not a titter. So, ever the persistent smartarse, I volunteered in an even louder voice 'Norm! Norm! Did he go 'Aaaaaaaaeeeeeerrrrrruuuugggggghhh' ?'
It was at this point that I was made victim of a 'running crutch hold' by a colleague, and escorted from the room.
Having protested at the misuse of my scrotal area, I was informed by my colleague that my boss, Norm, was recounting the story of how, the night before, his best friend had had a heart attack and died in his living room.

There is never a hole in the ground when you need one.......

Length in proportion to my Superman physique.
(Wed 12th Oct 2005, 19:34, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

It's a wonder I'm still alive
I used to eat cigarettes for beer. Yep, eat them, including the filters. And I wasn't even a smoker.

Constantly told my brother he was adopted, which was why he doesn't look like me.

I also used to attach big Bulldog clips to my nipples through my shirt in an attempt to attract girls. Most of the time it didn't work, but when I found the odd one who wanted me to do it to them too, it generally ended up as a top pervy session.
(Thu 19th Jul 2007, 13:23, More)