b3ta.com user theneuroticpanda
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» My first love

Ah.. young love
It was when I was six and he was called Simon. Blond hair, blue eyes, a little freckly. I wanted to marry him and cook him plastic bacon and eggs on my a la carte kitchen. I even made him a valentine's card out of macaroni and glue.

How did the aryan arsebuckle thank me? By doodling on my coat during assembly. It's a surprise I didn't become a lesbian :(

Next crush was Captain Darling out of Blackadder. I think it was the moustache.
(Thu 20th Oct 2005, 14:46, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Not sick but...
... At least it's not another fucking dead baby joke.

A teacher at school is trying to emphasise to her pupils the point of having a good breakfast, and how it makes you cleverer than those who don't eat it. To make a point, she asks John, the cleverest boy in the class what he had for breakfast: "Muesli and a slice of wholemeal toast with jam miss" and she asks him how many states there are in America "50 miss".

She then asks Jenny, the cleverest girl in the class what she had for breakfast: "A big bowl of frosties and a big glass of orange juice miss" and she asks her what the longest river in the world is "the Nile miss"

She then turns around and asks Billy, the stupidest kid in the class what he ate: "I had a stale crust for breakfast miss". The class giggled, the teacher tutted and told him he should have something more substantial. "Okay Billy, can you tell me where the Indian border is?"

"Oh that's easy!" Exclaimed Billy "He's in bed with me mam. That's why I only had a stale crust for my breakfast!"

Rum tarrah pom-pom!
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 9:21, More)

» Join us... come join the cult

His noodly addendages!

Nuff said really.
(Fri 27th Jan 2006, 9:51, More)

» Fancy Dress

An edited history of fancy dress

1993ish: Dress as a red indian maiden for a party. First foray into fancy dress and I actually liked it. Came second to a girl dressed up as a bunch of grapes (purple leotard, with purple balloons attached) The bitter stench of defeat has been following me around ever since.

2001: Halloween, and go out to a fancy dress party as the girls from the craft (vampy make up, mussed up hair, short skirts, fishnets etc etc) Would have been great but we were the only fuckers in fancy dress and as a result looked like prostitutes. And I slipped over in the toilets and got a wet skirt so I looked like an incontinent prostitute.. grr

2001: New Years fancy dress party, went as a Bunny Girl. Unfortunately my arch nemesis decided to go too, quite aply dressed as a witch. So I got drunk, stole her witches hat and flushed it down the toilet. Only to find out that it wasn't her hat and she'd lent it off her six year old cousin.... Best New Year ever!!

2004: Halloween, went out as a Cheerleader, avec pom poms and everything. Dropped my cheeseburger in the queue for the club and cried. Didn't get my arse pinched once. Not happy.

2005: Went to see the Rocky Horror Show and dressed as Magenta. Maids outfit (100% acrylic), brazen wig (100% acrylic) and fishnet tights (100% nylon) Took about 50 minutes to get to the toilet and back during the interval as I desperately tried to avoid all the smokers and various other naked flames.

Looking back, my outfits consist of a hell of a lot of fishnets. I might buy some shares in Pretty Polly. Or go for something more original next year :-(
(Sun 15th Jan 2006, 9:55, More)

» The passive-aggressive guilt trip

My mum..
Lovely woman, but Queen of the Guilt trip. For example, last year we went out for her Birthday for a biiig posh meal (the kind of place where they expect you to eat your pizza with a knife and fork!) If it was a member of your table's birthday, you could ask for the waiters to come up and sing happy birthday and wave sparklers about.

When my mum found out about this she got all panicky and said "Oh no, please don't get them to come over, I'll get all embarrassed, I just want to eat my food, have some drinks then go home!" Fair enough, thought I, and we didn't bother.

When we were leaving, it was obvious my mum was in a bit of a huff. I asked what the matter was and she hissed: "I can't believe you didn't get them to sing happy birthday to me... you don't love me at all!"

Erm..... Yeah. Woo anyway, first post!

Apologies for length, but if you say it's too short or too narrow, I'm going to slit my wrists RIGHT NOW!!!
(Thu 13th Oct 2005, 10:47, More)
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