» Child Labour

Oh the shame...
In year 10 our school sent us out on 'work experience'. A mate of mine was sent to work in HMV in Reading.

During the same period of time a girl in our year was involved in a dismal pop act, they were plugged on all the top sattelite programmes such as Trouble and Nickelodeon. Their single was the biggest piece of crap I have ever heard, however it somehow managed to scrape the Top 100 in the charts which, if you know anything, means that they might aswell have filmed a short of them sitting in their own filth to become famous.

Returning to my mate, who also happened to be friends with the above 'celeb'. One day in HMV, she was asked to destroy the remaining copies of a incredibly poor selling single as it was deemed useless to anyone alive.

Can you see where this going?

My mate sat in a dark room and sat and cried while smashing up her friends face into teeny tiny little pieces.

I almost soiled myself when I heard this.
(Fri 17th Feb 2006, 13:48, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

GCSE in fictional P0RN.
Taking my seat in the exam hall, it was June 2001. I suddenly realised that I had done no revision for my English Literature exam. "F*cksocks" I said, "How can I possibly get a good grade now?"

Well, listen up kids, I presumed that it was more than likely to be a male marking my paper and what do males like more than anything else in the whole entire world? P0rn.

I felt that I had nothing to lose. So I wrote a lovely spine tingling erotica story on the off chance that my judgement was correct.

I got an A, so I presume I judged right.

*This is 100% fact*

(I am aware that this is not strictly cheating, but I'm guessing that my examiner cheated on his wife with Handy McHand and in my world that constitutes as a form cheating therefore this story is not only brilliant but also relevant)
(Tue 22nd Nov 2005, 14:31, More)

» Misunderstood

My boy, that jolly well is NOT Guinness.
My family and my best mates family had just been seated in a famous hight street fish restaurant. Now, as the banter flowed the waitress of Eastern European origin waddled up to our table to ask for our drinks order.

We decided that at the same time we'd order some snack type things to tide us over. We go round the table ordering and finally get to my best mates father. He asks for a Guinness, as you do, and also he'd like some shallots in vinegar. Fair enough say we all, the waitress repeats his order looking mighty confused but we presume thats cause she cannot speak a word of English except for whats on the menu.

After much time our drinks arrive.

As BM's father takes a much anticipated sip from his pint he immediately sprays it over the whole table, which is nice. It is then that we notice that there are ACTUAL white balls floating in his 'pint'.

The stupid cow had topped up the pint with ACTUAL vinegar and shallots.

The worst thing was that the barman was English and had not questioned the order at all.

Now if that's not a misunderstanding then I don't what is.

(This is 100% true. Fact)
(Tue 11th Oct 2005, 16:52, More)

» Fancy Dress

Contreversial.
A friend of mine recently went to a fancy dress party at uni.

What did him and his three friends go as?

A terrorist, two towers and plane.

Their arab friend was the pilot.

The show piece was when just as the party was quieting down the chap dressed as the plane ran towards the two towers and on collision lots of little toy men fell, attached to strings, out of the 'windows' of their costumes.

Awful but genius.
(Fri 13th Jan 2006, 10:15, More)

» Birthdays

Terrorists ruined my birthday.
I live in London. And this year for my birthday I had planned a cracking night for my friends and I... Guest lists, oodles of champagne etc etc. I put a whole lot of effort into making sure that everyone had a good time, even booking a hotel for them all to stay in (when I say hotel I mean crappy hostel with fleas).

I was SO excited about it, I've never had a bad birthday EVER. For my 18th I was in Paris, my 11th in Singapore, my 10th Bankok, and many other very memorable times.

My 20th birthday was on Friday 8th July 2005.

On the 7th July, four WANKERS decided that they thought it would be a CRACKING idea to BLOW UP MY BLOODY CITY KILLING TEN'S OF PEOPLE.

Needless to say, not many people were all that keen to come up to sunny London after that.

So thank you very much OSAMA. Among the HUNDRED THOUSAND other reasons that I HATE you, you also RUINED my birthday. You complete COCK.
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 11:27, More)