b3ta.com user Charlie-M
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» Awesome teachers

There are two teachers that spring to mind for me
First off was my 5th Year English teacher. Not only could she recite an entire 40 minute story from start to finish as if reading it from a book, or slightly change one of my essays to get a pass mark, but she also had a rather inquisitive mind into what constitutes for "slang" nowadays. (Not that she was particularly old or "out of it", mind you.)

The incident to which I refer, was mid way through a typical class, at which she stopped us and said;

"Actually, I just remembered something, do any of you know what a "Strawberry Cheesecake" is?"

A few boys burst out laughing, others tried their very best not to make direct eye-contact whilst biting our lips and chuckling, and some of the girls just looked perplexed.

"I'm just asking because another teacher was saying in the staffroom that they had overheard some 3rd years saying that a boy had given a girl a strawberry cheesecake, but none of us knew what it was." (For reference to the folks down-south, a 3rd year is 14-15 years old)

One of the more confident boys in the class piped up;

"Well, I don't think you really want to know what it is miss.."

"Oh no...It's not like a "hot lunch", is it?" She replied.

A few more facial expressions turned to perplexed.

"What's that?", the same boy asked.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly say, I could loose my job if I told you."

"Well, how about a deal then? We'll tell you what a strawberry cheesecake is, if you tell us what a hot lunch is."

She pondered on this for a short time, before agreeing to the deal. And then came an explanation, the likes of which I doubt I will ever hear from a person in an educational position again.

Her explanation came in the form of a story about one of her friends, who, in the late 80s or early 90s, had been at a party somewhere, and had hooked up with an actress, who at the time was in Coronation Street. (Though I can't for the life of me remember who)

So, needless to say, things were done, and the subsequent morning, her friend was asked by the actress if he "Would like a hot lunch?" He assumed this meant elevenses, and, like any gentleman would, took up the offer with a smile. At which point, she climbed on top of him and took a shit on his chest.

This story was met with howls of laughter from the class, and a general sense of disbelief, but a deal was a deal.

"Ok, well basically, a Strawberry Cheesecake is when a guy cums on a girl's face, then punches her in the nose, so that blood comes out and it mixes like a strawberry cheesecake"

Our teacher raised one eyebrow and screwed up her face a bit.

"Ugh.. My story was better"

That it was.


Secondly, (A shorter tale you will be glad to hear) was one of my computing teachers.

This story is more about one of my friends involved, but it still made me chuckle at the time.

Our teacher was attempting to teach us about RAM, specifically, how it looses all it's data when the power is cut. (Which I shall assume you all know a little about)

He gave us an example:

"So, say I was playing a game, (What's the last game I played... Half life 2) Say I was playing Half Life 2, and I was on the last level, and I had a powercut. What would happen?"

To which my friend raised his hand and said:

"Well, you'd have to go back into the citadel, get the gravity gun, use the elevators to get to the office..."

Put a smile on my face :)
(Sat 19th Mar 2011, 23:35, More)

» School Projects

It all started with a crude drawing...
Advanced Higher biology. Painfully boring for me, which was odd, as normally I really enjoyed that subject.

What did keep the lesson exciting, though, were the shenanigans that myself, my classmates and the teacher got up to. Nothing particularly violent or extreme, just a series of funny remarks or interesting occurrences, such as one lesson, just after mother's day, one boy announced (In complete honesty) that he had given his mum a pearl necklace, much to our amusement.

But I digress..

I sat next to a boy called Tony, who was incredibly quick witted. Because of this, we regularly spent our entire lessons attempting to put each other off in whatever way we could. Insults, physical abuse, all that lark. One day, I decided to draw a crude little spider on his paper. He commented that it looked like a potato with a face.

And so the journey began...

In secret, I asked another one of my friends to bring in some glue, a marker pen, a woman's magazine, and other arts and crafts things. Over the course of an hour, we crafted a Potato Spider.

I presented it to Tony in biology, at which point out teacher got a look at it. Tony was happily bewildered, but my teacher decided it was such a brilliant piece of work, that it should be hung from the ceiling! (Or at least the overhead projector)

And there he stayed, watching over the classroom, providing the younger pupils with a source of intrigue, and slowly rotting into a shrivelled potato.

I ended up getting a C in that subject. Probably because of things like this.

And here, my fellows, is a picture of the finished article!
(Fri 14th Aug 2009, 17:05, More)

» Call Centres

Not quite a call centre, but I assume they work in similar environments.

Anyway, my granny has an interesting method of dealing with them, and for the most part, it seems to work.

*Phone rings*
"Hello, is that Mrs Grant?"
"Oh no... We buried her months ago.."
(Sat 5th Sep 2009, 23:56, More)

» Buses

This one happened to a kid in the year below me at school.

So, it is a day like any other. The half three bell has rung and the kiddies are running out of school, eager to get home.
Now, my school was dead in the centre of town, as as such, the majority of kids who got the bus headed to the main shopping street, so at this time, it would be fairly busy.

The bus shows up, and 30 or so schoolkids of varying age pile on, as well as a few (unfortunate) members of the public. Once the majority are on, a group of around four neds (or chavs for you English type folk) attempt to get on.

"No," says the bus driver. "Its full up." And he was right, it was a particularly crammed bus. So, the neds, looking quite the trifle upset retreat from the bus, swearing and trying to look hard, and begin to walk up the street, in the direction of the back of the bus.

Now, at this point, one of the second years (13-14 years old) got a bit too big for his boots, and as the bus pulled away, he stuck his fingers up at the neds, and did that "wanker" gesture with his hands.

Needless to say, this somewhat enraged the delinquent, and not to be beaten, a plan formulated in his head, almost instantly, which I think is quite a feat considering his "circumstances". You see, Mr Ned here knew where the bus stopped next.

He sprinted up the street, through some back alleys, probably vaulted a wall or two to beat the bus to the next stop, and surprisingly, he made it!

I should probably point out at this point that this guy was in his early twenties.

So, once it arrived, he waited for a few people to get off, jumped on, ran down the middle of the bus, and smacked the kid right in the face! Almost as quickly as he had arrived, he departed. The kid's face was covered in blood.

The police arrived, took statements from people and such, and they caught him eventually. And that, is the most exciting thing that has happened to me on a bus.
(Fri 26th Jun 2009, 16:16, More)

» Procrastination

I've got a really good story about Procrastination..
But I've just got to put the tea on first...

(Fri 14th Nov 2008, 16:44, More)
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