» We have to talk

Insecure Father
Those dreaded words have nearly always come out of my rather neurotic father's mouth.

I remember one time when he entered my room with a particularly grim look on his face, his moustache positively bristling with disappointment. When he said 'We have to talk...' as he shut my door and thus my exit, my mind began racing as to what he may have found out.

Had he found my stash of weed?
Had he heard my boyfriend and I having sex in my room?
Had he somehow managed to hack into my computer and thus divulge some unsavoury information about myself which I could not remember?

No, it was none of those. In fact, what he said wasn't even on my list of possibilities, let alone on the bottom of it.

'You don't love me any more *sniff*...etc'

WTF

'Er, yeah I do Dad *uncomfortable*' I said with what I hoped was an encouraging smile. He then moped off and sulked for the rest of the day.

He still does this from time to time. Maybe someone's been poisoning his food with oestrogen or something.
(Sat 21st Apr 2007, 11:30, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Crazy Iranian Relatives
I have a load of eccentric relatives on my dad's side, the the kind who kiss you and hug you whether you know them or not, just assuming you are part of the family. In particular the grandma is weird, as in a bit wrong weird. Frequently when I visited, she would grope my breasts and arse to check how I was 'developing', and not gently usually either, I had bruises. Now, this was particularly disconcerting when I returned to Iran on holiday after about a 7 year gap a now formed female. I spent the entire time avoiding her (very difficult as we were staying in her flat) but she got me in the end, she always got me and my sister in the end. I had evaded her gropes for weeks when she had a 'fainting spell' which lead me to kneel dutifully by her to see if she was all right. As I did so I felt a gentle squeeze of my left breast. She won, that crazy bitch, to this day I swear she just faked that fall to cop a feel. Needless to say she is my least favourite grandma and one of the weirdest of my relatives. Some of the others just smoke opium or frollick around in their wife's clothes at parties but those gentle souls never accost anyone.

Click 'I like this' if you think I was abused
(Fri 6th Jul 2007, 19:37, More)

» My most gullible moment

Oh God where to start
I am notoriously gullible so here are just a few of my more shameful moments

- I believed Mr T died of aids for years till I saw him in an advert and was overjoyed

- I believed Zack from Saved By The Bell died of aids. I don't know where all these aids rumours came from.

- I believed that Cat and Dog were actually short for Catapod and Dogoplex, coming from the towns they were originally discovered in. I assumed it was latin?

- When I was 8 I asked my dad for a glass of water, which when I received it, contained a newt. My dad just told me it must have come out of the tap, then going to a corner to giggle to himself for his genius being the cheeky Iranian sort. I believed this until I was 17 when I retold my story to a friend who responded with a blank look saying 'Sir_Psycho, that just isn't true'

- My dad, in an effort to stop me playing by the pond, told me touching frogs would paralyse me. However, when I sat really still in the living room to see how he'd react to my fatal paralysis I got no reaction. He just thought I was being good.

- My friend told me there was an obscure and archaic law which allowed immigrants to be legally entered into the country if they were carried on your back

- This is perhaps the most painful, but I was victim to a cruel ruse when I was 5 thinking I completed the first sonic on the megadrive when really I just had the dud controller and was watching my sister play. Sure sonic never jumped when I told him to, but I just thought it was really good A.I

- I thought Pink Floyd were originally named after a Jazz artist Floyd Pinkerton.(I now know the truth)

- When I was little I was told trees had feelings, so I spent time dancing round the old ones, petting them to comfort them.

And that's all for now, but I'm sure there's some particularly painful ones I've blocked.
(Fri 22nd Aug 2008, 20:31, More)

» My most gullible moment

And one more...
Lightguy told me in school that Steven Hawking was cockney rhyming slang for walking.

The irony doesn't escape me....
now.
(Fri 22nd Aug 2008, 20:46, More)

» Housemates from hell

noisy neighbours
Chewbacca’s fur was moist with passion. He growled as he saw Princess Leia approaching; apple of his eye, mandarin of his heart. She ran towards him, chains rattling, her more than ample bosom bouncing with each step she took. Chewy took her roughly into his arms, and ran his paws through her long, dark, and now tangled hair.
“Oh Chewy, Luke was hitting on me again, but it turns out he’s my brother. How fucked up is that?!”
Chewbacca howled an affirmative at the bikini clad beauty before him.
“Oh Chewy, I knew you’d understand. You’re the only one who truly understands me. You can be my walking carpet any day, if you know what I mean.” She added suggestively.
Chewbacca stalked up to her with that animal magnetism she always found so alluring, snapping her bikini off with a deft snip of his claws. Leia’s opulent orbs of love bounced unapologetically forth, and she cooed like a blushing pigeon. Slowly and sensually, Chewbacca unbuckled his ammo belt, and let it gently coil onto the floor, revealing his hard furry abs to Leia’s delight.
Unsheathing his formidable wookie bow-caster, Chewy let out a bray a passion as he swept up the barely clad princess in his huge animal arms. With a final snip of his experienced wookie-paw, he rendered the succulent princess bare as freshly plucked poultry ready for a roasting. With his wookie bow-caster now fully charged, he took aim for her quivering crumpet. Slowly he slid his beastly truffle into her pre-heated love oven, hot for the baking. Dominating her, Chewy’s paws explored very peak and trough of her undulating form. Tugging furiously at her chains, Chewy grunted and thrust into her liquid delight; his wookie bow-caster making the Princess squirm like a freshly caught haddock with pleasure. He furiously docked into her harbour repeatedly, readying the ships to set sail. Together, Leia’s polished triangle and Chewy’s gargantuan organ made beautiful music long into the night.

...noisy buggers, always kept me and C3PO up
(Sun 8th Apr 2007, 17:40, More)