» Why I was late

Long, but true story of self defenstration
I woke up one Friday morning and knew that I had plenty of flexi-time saved up so I just had to get to work by 9am so I could leave early and go to the pub. I was tired but had plenty of time in hand.

I discovered that whilst I could turn the handle of my bedroom door, it would not open. I was alone in the house and the door did not have a lock. I sat on the bed to wait for the fug of sleep to clear and then had another try.

Still would not open. I really needed the loo by this time so I had to formulate a plan. I had no phone, no visitors expected and nothing of much use - I had my house keys, a tie clip and my dressing gown. A MacGuyver like plan crystallised in my sleep fuddled, wee-needing brain...

I would use the serated edge of my backdoor key to saw through the wood around the lock. I should be out of my prison by Saturday afternoon! It set to with vigour, trying to ignore the pain in my bladder.

Stupid bloody idea. After 2 minutes I'd hardly made a dent in the door and bent my key. By this time, my head was starting to clear and a real plan formed.

I would jump out of the window! So, I wrapped my dressing gown tightly around my self, opened the 2nd storey window as wide as it would go and (clutching my house keys) jumped down onto the front lawn.

Of course, my dressing gown flew upwards and I exposed myself to the whole street, left two deep footprints in the lawn - but I was free and had not yet wet myself!

I went round to the backdoor to let myself in the house and discovered that my key was still bent. I had to get a brick from the garden to flatten it out before gaining entry. Once inside, the toilet was my first port of call, then I examined the bedroom door from the other side.

It would open fine from outside, but inside the handle turned without moving the catch. Should be easy to fix with the right tools, but I'd better get to work, I thought.

I left the door open and went to close the window. As I stepped into the centre of the room, a gust of wind blew through the open window and slammed the door shut. Gah! Trapped again.

With a weary sigh, I jumped out of the window for the second time that morning.

I got to work two hours late and emailed the story to my boss, who forwarded it around the company.
(Thu 28th Jun 2007, 11:30, More)

» Airport Stories

Hilarious German Customs Agents
I was flying back from Frankfurt to the UK after a business trip. For some reason, German customs check your passport when you leave country, unlike the UK where check-in staff do that. Anyway, used to this procedure, I handed over my passport and answered the big customs chappie's questions in my piss-poor German:

Customs Chappie, looking at my passport, notices my surname and asked "Is this pronounced Murdock or Murdotch?" (my name is actually Murdoch).

I answered "Murdock".

He called over several of his colleagues to look at it and I thought "Oh crap, someone with my name is an international terrorist".

I was quite relieved when they all burst out laughing heartily saying "Ha Ha! Like the A-Team! Ha Ha Ha!".
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 15:46, More)

» Crap meals out

Great Description
I took my girlfriend to a newly opened Szechuan place that I'd heard good things about. She liked the look of the pork hotpot but the menu wasn't very descriptive so asked our waitress what was in it. The reply was just superb:

"It inside of pig!"
(Tue 2nd May 2006, 16:56, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

Extra protein
As a callow youth I worked in various pub kitchens as a combined kitchen porter/sous chef/waiter/dogsbody.

One particularly busy day it was all hands to the pump as we were short-staffed. An order for a salad came in so I set to washing the ingredients and preparing it. Got it plated up and delivered to the hippy sat at the table.

I was accosted by the same hippy a few moments later, who motioned me to move closer so he could whisper "There's a little problem with my food. I wouldn't mind but I'm a vegetarian."

He moved aside a lettuce leaf and there was a live worm wriggling around on his plate. He was a cool guy and could see we were very busy and he didn't mind getting the same salad again so long as I put the worm outside in one of the flowerbeds.
(Fri 21st Jul 2006, 13:17, More)

» Picky Eaters

Pineapple
I have only tried pineapple once, when I was about five years old we were served pineapple and custard one school dinner - a strange combination I know, but it was the 70s.

Unsure of what this delicacy was, I asked my neighbour. "Jellyfish", he replied.

"Ha ha", I thought, "that's unlikely".

Then I put a spoonful of the stuff into my mouth and it was prickly! My scepticism evaporated and I would not eat the rest despite much cajoling from the dinner ladies.

Still can't eat pineapple to this day. I eat most other things, the most unusal thing I've ever tried was cock's comb (the wobbly bit on top of a chicken's head) - tastes like bacon.
(Fri 2nd Mar 2007, 15:22, More)