b3ta.com user mikewicked
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» Putting the Fun in Funeral

went out with a girl who worked for a funeral home, and fairly early into the whole dating thing, she told me that since i'm so tall, i should think about starting a fund to pay for my custom coffin, as i won't fit in a standard one.

the relationship didn't last.
(Fri 12th May 2006, 6:29, More)

» Road Rage

High Beams v. Rally Car.
i volunteer at the local round of the WRC in the service park, and a few years ago this was held somewhat out of town. one night i'd finished my shift, though the vehicles were still servicing and heading back out to drive around the Super Special stage before parking in Park Ferme overnight.

i was behind one competitor on the main roads on my way home when a car coming the opposite direction failed to dim his high beams.

the competitor flicked his once to let the oncomer know. nothing.
twice. three times.

then flicked on all eight of the brightest motherfucking spotlights you've ever seen, the road lit up like it was daytime, causing Mr. Inconsiderate to lock up his wheels and drive into the drainage ditch alongside the highway.

i wish i knew which car it was that did this as i could've shaken his hand the next day.
(Tue 17th Oct 2006, 5:00, More)

» School Sports Day

a few tales
i'm a big bloke, not fat, but i've always been tall and built like a brick-shithouse. people assume i like sport, i don't.

first year of highschool, sports days are compulsory, so i had to compete in about 4 different running events, starting with the 800m in order not to tire ourselves by sprinting first.

we were told it wouldn't matter where we came, or how long, it was getting into the spirit of the sports that mattered.

i walked. and since i chose to complete the whole 800m rather than stop after half a lap when everyone else did, no one else was able to run an event. i was then told i didn't have to compete in the other events. this ingenuity rubbed off onto some of the other lazy bums, and forced a rethink of the compulsory nature of the games.

sometime later, we had a hurdles event, but rather than the usual hurdles you see on proper hurdling, these ones were designed to swing open like a gate if hit, so as not to maim children while they did this for "fun". after being told that it was time that mattered, not how few hurdles you hit, i just ran full pelt (for me) through all the hurdles. teachers were not impressed.

the next year the school had an Events day, which had all the usual running and jumping, but also had 3-legged-races and so on for those of us who didn't feel like running (ie: me). so i devised a plan and paired up with a much smaller girl, and despite everyone laughing at the fact that she was a good 2 foot shorter than me, we won. i picked her up and jogged over the line myself, rather than stumble like you're supposed to.

the next year, the rules we changed that 2 feet had to be on the ground at all times. so i picked her up and skidded my way to first place, never once picking up my feet.

then there was the semester we played some form of Rugby. like i said, brick-shithouse me used to get the ball and saunter to the endzone, regardless of how many people were hanging off me. that was fun. i also broke a guys collarbone when he got the ball, turned around and ran full pelt into me and bounced off.
(Fri 31st Mar 2006, 6:05, More)

» When were you last really scared?

My Parents.
27 years ago, when my mother was 6 months pregnant with little ol' me, my father took my mother to the drive-in to see a film he loved.

"what film?" i hear you ask.


i'm surprised they're still together, much less happily.
(Tue 27th Feb 2007, 6:28, More)

» My Collection

Cutlery of Unusual Size.
my grandmother collects giant cutlery.
her walls are covered with giant forks, or spoons, knives, ladles and god-knows what the names of some of the various shaped things are.

we have no idea where she gets them.

when she keels over, we're going to have a dinner party and set the table with them all.

my cock is generous, but it's dwarfed by the 4m chopsticks on the living room wall :(
(Fri 12th Jan 2007, 0:58, More)
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